Does your child talk to you like shit?

[Hagnumber4]

God I'm so fed up and demoralised.

I don't tend to shout. I assert boundaries. I listen to my children, I'm kind to them, I'm not a push over. I don't have excessive rules.

But my god my 9 year old talks to me like shit. It's like he hates me. He just screams at me and is so horrible.

I'm not really asking for tips. Just whether your child is like this

No I don’t allow anyone to speak to me like shit.

Theres clearly more going on here than normal 9yo behaviour though if he’s self harming.

No. 13yo dd can be a bit flouncy, dramatic and answers back a lot but mostly apologises as soon as she sees the look on my face. Occasionally she digs in. I would say she can be rude e.g. "Well I bet you used to do it" or "I didn't ask you be born" but never horrible or personal to me.

Some of you have incredibly low standards.
My kids would try this ONCE. Believe me, there would not be a second time. Their lives would not be worth living.

They have sometimes and got a ‘would you talk to your friends like that’ etc back. He’s so young op, you need to rally up your energy and figure it out, meant in a nice way because it’s really not easy and I am sorry

Before you said this I was going to say yes DS (now 13) did around the age of 9/10 for around 3-4 months when he was having a burnout mental health crises and could not control his anger/emotions etc and it did lead to some very rocky times and early help CAMHS involvement

We were fortunate we have worked through it and he is now completely in control again but I think yes it is something to look into particularly alongside self harm and room trashing

Oh Christ. I'm going to be queen of the drip feeds aren't I. I promise it isn't intentional. I kind of just am not really at the stage of fully processing it.

He is diagnosed autistic and on the wait list for ADHD. He's under camhs but they aren't actually doing anything apart from sending me on a managing your child's anxiety course. He also goes to a specialist school focusing on mental health (SEMH school).

I didn't really think any of it was about that. I've spoken to my husband in great detail this evening about it. We are half wondering if it's learned behaviour from a family member who was staying with us. But we don't truly know that as they were with him alone quite a lot for a short period of time

🤣 Sorry but that sounds the least threatening bollocking ever.

No OP. My kids do not speak to me, or anyone else, like shit.

Nope mine never did. Absolutely zero tolerance for it

Mine pushed a few boundaries with eye rolls and tone but no I wouldn’t have put up with shouting and screaming and they knew it. Shouting at each other wasn’t tolerated in our house, a look was all that was needed, it was the same with an unacceptable tone of voice.

Yes that is a massive drip feed. It’s not behaviour I’d expect from a NT child, but definitely common in ASD children.

Also why was he alone with someone that behaves in a way that you’d think he’d learn this behaviour from them?

They were living with us for a while and it's only behaviour that really emerged then. Thankfully they are gone now

No, 6 dc, various needs amongst the younger dc.
Oldest dc is 36, he doesn't so much as swear in front of me.
None of my dc have ever shouted at me.

In your situation I would seek some outside support, sounds like your both struggling.

I found 9-10 a horrible age and with hindsight it was very much stemmed from early puberty in my daughter. She was dreadful to me and such awful rages. Because she was young I didn't really think much about it being puberty but she then started to show all the physical signs and actually started her periods when she was 10. She's a lovely kid now, and I realised she was really struggling and very hormonal. It's no picnic but hopefully will pass for you too.

Never.

The home is meant to be a warm, safe place for everyone. From an early age the dc have been shown that we talk to the people we love with respect and kindness. They were never left to bicker between themselves as children either. Learning to deal with negative emotions properly, communicating and not taking it out on others is very important from a very young age. DH and I tried to model that even in times of distress/conflict.

They have a lovely relationship now as teenagers, lots of friends and a pleasure to be around.

Dd has autism. Ds has autism and adhd. SEN is a barrier, not an excuse for poor behaviour.

He still legged it to his room 🤣

Sometimes children shout. Sometimes they say horrible things (I hate you, I like dad more etc). They’re learning how to express emotions, how to deal with feeling frustrated, disappointed, sad, angry etc. In one way it’s better that they are trying to express how they feel rather than bottling it up and secretly seething.
People with perfect children (and I know none in real life, only on MN) might tell you with horror to come down on them like the wrath of the Lord and their children would never dare etc. Take that with a huge pinch of salt.
We don’t shout at dd or try to scare her with threats of violence, locking her up, throwing her out etc. That doesn’t mean dp and I don’t try to set boundaries for behaviour but we are focused on communicating feelings openly and honestly (and preferably calmly). Children will clam up if they feel they’ll be criticised for opening up. And that can create huge problems if they don’t feel they’ll can turn to anyone.

I’d recommend the Young Minds website - aimed at teens and their parents but some really good advice on there from professionals.

Parents are the safe space for their children to make mistakes and learn from them, let out their feelings etc. This becomes so important as they get older and are influenced by friends.

Depends on the child OP ... DD1 hated us being cross/angry with her so never behaved like this ... DD2 had a very different personality, gave less of a shit about what people thought and pushed the boundaries a lot more. We very firm about consequences when she spoke to us badly though.

Have you heard of PDA? My dc is AuDHD with pda and yeah, they talk to me like shit sometimes and have screaming meltdowns at the age of 9. I also think hormones and puberty are playing a part. Mine was worse when they were at school, they're now home educated as they found school traumatising and the stress of masking all day meant they were melting down ALL THE TIME.

Things are much, much better now. We have learnt a low demand approach, use declarative language and we are actively teaching them about emotional regulation and they're learning about appropriate behaviour when not in meltdown. But ultimately when they're in meltdown, they're not in their right mind. They are really sorry after they come out of it. It's really, really hard. You basically have to do the exact opposite of what society says is good parenting - taking stuff away, shouting, punishing etc does. Not. Work. It doesn't mean have no boundaries - you need to pick your battles and think creatively to get around issues. We talk A LOT and we've found play therapy useful for them. And therapy for us.

Something is going on with your son and from what you've said, id suggest it's worth taking a closer look at what's going on at school and whether his needs are being met.

Not all adhd and autism is the same.

That's vile. Well done to you for that

It must have been a hell of a battle to get your child into a SEMH school so there must be a history of challenging behaviour because they don't hand out places at schools like that for no reason. What was his earlier childhood like?

Some really interesting comments, thank you.

It was really hard to find an appropriate school. We were looking for a school which wasn't for "big behaviours" as he never misbehaves at school. We didn't want a restraint school for him. But we finally found one and they are amazing.

I think the thing that gets to me is he can be just awful when he isn't in meltdown. I can forgive a meltdown and the trashed room but it's the "shut up" stuff that really gets to me when he's just calm and chilled

No. It would never be tolerated in any household in my family. If you're putting up with it at 9 then at 19 you've got big trouble.

No, they don’t and I wouldn’t put it up with it. If there is any hint of it, I shut it down straight away. They would be punished, lose toys, not get treats etc. I am also kind but they know what I will not tolerate and talking to me like shit is one of those things.

Children who speak to their parents like shit generally do so because their parents allow themselves to be spoken to like shit.

My DC know if they raise their voice or speak disrespectfully to me the consequences will be dire. So they don’t.

I’ve read the most ridiculous threads on here where an OP has described their child screaming at them, calling them the most outrageous names such a c**t, physical abuse etc and the response has been “oh your poor DC, they are struggling with something” or “read xyz book on how to deal with an explosive child”

There seems to be a reluctance to accept some kids are badly behaved and just need to be brought under control.