Is it OK for DD to be friends with just one twin

[Sprogonthetyne]

DD's current best friend is one of a set of twins, his brother is in the other class at school, so they don't see him as often and aren't really friends. I don't know the mum well and we've not done proper playdates yet, but have done coordinated trips to the park/library after school, which obviously both twins attend.

The issue is that DD & her friend tend to get excited about playing together and the other twin tends to end up feeling left out. We've had words about not excluding anyone, and I don't think it's malicious on DD's part, just that one of them is her best friend, and the other is her friends brother who she doesn't really know.

because of this the outings together aren't going well, but it is a really nice friendship otherwise, which I'd like to encourage. How should I manage this? The children are 5/6, so not sure if the boys are at the unaccompanied playdate stage or not, and even if they are, is it considered OK to invite one over and not the other?

Might be relivent, so to avoid drip feeding. DD has some sen, not sure if the other kids do though wouldn't be surprised as the friend seems to be in same suported group at school. Doesn't really effect the situation other the DD maybe seeming young for her age.

Interested to see the replies. I have 5 year old twins and am struggling to navigate the parties/ playdates when only one is invited, partly for logistical reasons, and partly because the other twin asks why they can’t go. BUT I completely understand they are two separate people and should be treated as such. It might be worth chatting to the mum…

Great to hear from someone on the other side of this. Can I ask if you would prefer both your twins to be invited in this situation or not? I don't want to make the other twin feel rubbish about not being invited, but also don't want him to feel rubbish about being a third wheel if he comes.

DS is equally friends with both twins who were part of a larger friendship group from primary, and who still see all one another regularly. He would only have socialised with both or neither in the playdate days. However, the boys were deliberately put in different classes in secondary, and now also have separate friends. They're two very different characters.

We had a set of twins in primary school. My DC3 seemed to prefered only the one. I asked mum and she said it was ok to invite one of them.

I am a twin (opposite sex) and I couldn't have thought of anything worse than having to play with my twins friends just because we were twins. I didn't play with my other siblings friends so why would I have needed to play with my twins one?

So many people seem to view twins just as one mass identity rather than realising they are seperate individuals. My mum and dad were great at not bringing up as "twins" who had to do everything together but just has seperate individuals and siblings who happened to share the same birthday. We always had our own interests, own friends etc and I'm really glad things were that way.

I have primary age twins- can you maybe suggest a double play date so that the other twin can have a friend along? It can be awkward with 3, mine don't manage it without fighting.

They do get invited to separate things and that’s totally fine, it’s good for them to have their own friends and interests.

My DT are grown up now but back in the day they would sometimes do things together with the friend of one and sometimes separate. Think of it as the DT having a slightly older or younger sibling. Sometimes the logistics of twins and other siblings make it hard to have a clear cut policy. As they get older they will start to decide more for themselves anyway.

Yes! We twins are separate people!

I think it’s up to the mum to co-ordinate so that the other twin also has a friend to play. It’s not really much different to having a younger sibling when the older one has a friend over - I always tried to make sure that both had friends over at the same time. At least till they were old enough to be ok with it.

I can beat that. DD was friends with one triplet! Hated the other two. But it was much easier because the triplets didn’t get on. And the other two were horrible to their sister.

Birthday parties were weird.

I think it’s important for them to have their own lives, friends and interests. But very hard for the non-friend twin.

I am a twin and had my own friends at school and at home, I only played with my twin if there was no one else, we used to fall out a lot (and are currently not on good terms- yet again!).

When our youngest was at school he made friends with two of a set of triplets and not the third one, we didn't realise there was a third until her Mum turned up one day to collect the others from a party with her in tow; their Mum was very good about us not inviting the third and said she had no expectation we would have done (we did send an extra slice of cake home for her).

Twins are separate people, different personalities etc, if the other twin is upset they need to be encouraged to find their own friends too.

Presumably they had them put in different classes at school for this reason?

Doesn't the other twin have his own friends that he does things with without his brother, or does his brother go with him on all his playdates?

I have adult twin grandsons. They are very close but have had their own friends since primary school.

Presumably the mum has deliberately chosen a school which separates twins into different classes, which suggests that she does want them to have their own lives. I'd discuss with her tbh. Maybe invite the friend-twin over to yours (unaccompanied) so his brother can do something separately? But see what she says first.

I was friends with a twin in primary school, her sister was ok but we just didn’t click. She had her own friends, a completely separate group.

It must be hard if one twin struggles socially while the other doesn’t (not saying that’s what the case is here) but that’s not for your DD to solve.

I think generally they should be treated like any other siblings - you wouldn’t be worrying if they were a year apart in age.

It’s up to the parents of the twins to sort this out for themselves. Quite often I’d have a party invitation for one of mine. They are two very different children and need to be treated as such.

They are 2 seperate people. Its absolutely fine for them to have different friends.

Absolutely this! OP, if your child's friend had an older/younger sibling this wouldn't be an issue. It's no different with twins. And I'm a twin myself, there's nothing worse than people assuming you have to do everything together and not acknowledging you're seperate people.

Even today I saw someone who had dressed their twin toddlers in identical outfits. Why do people do this? It may look cute but to the outside world and to me as a twin, it just symbolises they aren't seen as individuals but as one combined identity.

As a mum of twins surpringly I’ve never had one invited but not the other (they are 10 now) I have had them both excluded on basis only had room for one. I suspect it’s maybe because they are same sex and both quite similar in friendship group do no one wants to choose a favourite. When they were younger if I was having a bff over I’d try and invite another friend so could be a four rather than an awkward trio. I think it’s fine to just invite one. I’d of accepted and would of gone for a treat with non invited twin an ice cream: hot chocolate and a bit of one on one time is quite nice when you always have to share.

This is a really interesting thread. As a teacher, what we think is best for the children is often very different to what the parents (mainly the mums) project onto them. The latter raise them as a unit, an indivisible pair, and yet there is actually nothing wrong with one or the other child forming their own friendships independent of their sibling. In fact this is very healthy.

As an adult I am friends with a girl who is an identical twin. She is very close to her sister and does a lot with her but she is into swimming and her sister running, so they have separate friendship groups as well as mutual friends. That is healthy. Your DD is doing noting wrong by being friends with this boy and his mother should not contest it. As long as the boy is happy too.

Definitely ok to invite just one twin. My young adult twins get on well but have separate friends and very different lives because we have always treated them as siblings rather than twins.
As pps have said because they are in different classes it’s likely their mum is fine with them being treated separately. If she’s happy for DD’s friend to come out with you, she can have 1:1 time with her other DS. I appreciated it when other parents raised the subject with me so I could explain how it worked for us.

I can’t stand people referring to mine as “the twins” and we have never called them that either.

DD was more friends with one Twin at school and still sees the same one although she does get along with her Twin Sister too.

I would just invite the Twin they are friends with. The Mum might enjoy some one to one time with the other Twin.

I’m a mum of multiples. Mine have always had separate friends and if it was a play date I wouldn’t expect all to be invited. If it’s our house, the two friends play together and then we all join for snacks / food. If it’s at someone else’s then when they were little we either all went (single mum) and I played with or set up stuff for my others, or I explained and dropped off. If it was a party at a place then I paid for the non invited ones, kept them well away ftom party food area and ran between everyone, if it was a party at a house I dropped the invited one snd asked a mum friend to keep an eye on mine. Mine are teens now, so if one is off with a friend for a bit, I try to use the time to do something 1 on 1 with another, but if it’s at ours, we still all join together for a drink and a snack! They all know each other anyway!