Is it OK for DD to be friends with just one twin

[Sprogonthetyne]

DD's current best friend is one of a set of twins, his brother is in the other class at school, so they don't see him as often and aren't really friends. I don't know the mum well and we've not done proper playdates yet, but have done coordinated trips to the park/library after school, which obviously both twins attend.

The issue is that DD & her friend tend to get excited about playing together and the other twin tends to end up feeling left out. We've had words about not excluding anyone, and I don't think it's malicious on DD's part, just that one of them is her best friend, and the other is her friends brother who she doesn't really know.

because of this the outings together aren't going well, but it is a really nice friendship otherwise, which I'd like to encourage. How should I manage this? The children are 5/6, so not sure if the boys are at the unaccompanied playdate stage or not, and even if they are, is it considered OK to invite one over and not the other?

Might be relivent, so to avoid drip feeding. DD has some sen, not sure if the other kids do though wouldn't be surprised as the friend seems to be in same suported group at school. Doesn't really effect the situation other the DD maybe seeming young for her age.

I’m a twin: they have to find their own identities and friends. It will work itself out

Me neither! Every twin or triplet mum I know hates this. I say “Milly, molly and Matty” (not their actual names!!) or at worst the children / kids. Over the years quite a few people have not even realised mine were related!!! (Not sure who these people thought I was then, but anyway!!) xx

You have to treat twins as individuals, they don't come as a pair. You can't tell your child who to be friends with, they have to make their own friendships.

There's no difference with one of them not being invited than if they had another sibling, who you almost certainly wouldn't expect to be invited.

Your DD shouldn't be forced to invite someone. We had identical twins in our year at school and they were so, so different personality wise. The one I wasn't friends with would have been bored stiff at a play date with me and her sister!

As parent of twins I found teachers often did not know what was best for the kids - I found them to be a bit clueless tbh. When I suggested that my twins were put on separate tables I was told that wasn’t possible because they were of the same ability. I wanted them separated. But that was apparently impossible. Parents evening at primary was full of comparisons - I would remind the teachers they were individuals who didn’’t need to be measured up against either other but the teachers would slip back into their lazy comparisons. At secondary school their Maths teacher didn’t realise they were twins till he got us twice at parent’s evening - then he suggested we set up a bit of exam competition between them - I had to firmly nip that one in the bud.
I wanted them treated like individual children - the schools my kids went to missed the mark several times - so please don’t bad mouth parents of twins, many teachers didn’t have a clue either!

Twins here as well, age 9. Boy/girl and chalk and cheese. I've had to reassure parents they aren't on a BOGOF display and can fly solo. Want to fly solo. I think they have had less playdate invites because of it being a perceived minefield and that's a shame. Less so now they are getting older and they have learned that they will eventually get their turn and learn to be pleased for each other. In theory.

I was friends with one twin when I was at school. It wasn’t easy as the other twin didn’t have such a robust friendship group. She ended up muscling her way in and now age 43 I’m very close with both twins.

Our two have different friends and different characters. They're very close at home but at school play in different groups at times.

Mine are b/g so it’s a bit easier as they have always had separate interests and friend groups. To me it’s not different to siblings with an age gap - if one had a play date you wouldn’t invite the other along so just because they are twins you still don’t have to. I also hate when people say “the twins”
as do they. They are same class as small primary but will be split from the off set for high school which i think will be good for them. I know a few multiple mums and they think the same
as me.

mine are completely different personalities and don’t look alike but are both at a similar level accademically and at parents evening i get annoyed sometimes if the teacher tries to give me a joint summary about how well “they” are doing and i’ll point out i would like to hear about one and then the other one - separately as they are not the same person & i have 2 appointment slots!

I had a set of twins in my class in primary. Each twin had their own set of friends. There was no issue with inviting just one to play, to parties, etc.

My DS is friends with one twin who is in his class but only passing acquaintance with the other, who is in a different class,
in a 5 form school. He’s been invited to their 9th birthday party and I guess I have no choice but to bring a present for each boy. DS is full of suggestions for his friend but has no idea what Twin 2 might like, but I feel that I can’t ge away with Twin 2’s present being obviously less thoughtful. Bit of a minefield…

I have 10 year old twins who both have their own friends. I'm a twin myself and me and my own twin had our own sets of friends

No you don’t have to get the other twin a present, your son hasn’t been invited by him, so just get the friend a present

Do you know if the parents asked for the twins to be in different classes? If so they're obviously keen to have them treated as individuals and have different friends. Speak to the mum though and hopefully she will arrange something to do with the non-friend if you organise a playdate. I actually think a group of 4 usually works better than a 3.

Yes, it’s okay to just be friends with one twin and to only invite one to things. My DD has a friend who is a twin, and it never occurred to me that the twins were a package deal. DD made friends with this girl on pretty much their first day of year 7, but other twin wasn’t in the same class, and they’d come from a different primary school so DD didn’t know her at all. DD has only ever been friends with one twin (still friends now five years later).

Obviously it’s a bit easier in secondary school because they arrange their own social lives more, rather than parents having to have any involvement. But I think even if we were still in primary I would have the same approach, which is assuming that the twins each have their own friends, and there is no need to play with both or invite both if not friends with both.

The only thing is that when DD has been invited to birthday parties, she has taken a gift for each. And actually now that they’re older she is a bit more friendly with the other twin, as they have mutual friends (not just the first twin) and they do some of the same clubs.

I'm a mum of twins. They're in separate classes, have separate bedrooms, clothes, friends etc. Let the friendship continue with one twin as it would with any child- the other twin will have their own friends. They're 2 separate people. (Plus, they won't be allowed to share a job, probably will want to do different A levels etc. I just let my twins choose their own path.)

If one of mine feels left out, I'd just say, 'It's your turn soon (suggest friend over on specific date). Now, what shall we do/ play/ have for lunch.'

Yes of course. I have twins. It’s nice when people treat them as no more than siblings, rather than a pair.

Agreed. I have 5 year old twins and have found the teachers absolutely did not know best.

For us it was the opposite problem, I have been repeatedly told by teachers the best thing was to split them for Y1, despite the fact they have some different friends (and many the same) and completely different interests/ abilities. Insisting on splitting them has been a pain for parties, other school logistics (parents evenings, trips, sports day etc) and caused them a lot of distress. I don’t want them to be referred to as ‘the twins’ but equally expect my opinion as their mum to be respected.

I had the difficulty of boy/girl twins - sitting at the same ability table (I requested that they were split but that request was refused) - ds only boy at the table, tends to make friends with girls rather than boys, thought he was friends with the girls on the table - played with them at lunch and break but was never invited to their house, it was always dd - it was heart-breaking to watch, the girls came to our house and they all played together really nicely. I never said a word to the parents but ds did used to ask me why he never got invited.

We moved the kids to a bigger school in Juniors, because we realised that ds needed a fresh start, he needed to be in his own class, away from more sociable dd.

You sound very sensible
Separate tables sounds like a good idea - separate classes would be ideal. The secondary thing is ridiculous.

We had a set of identical twin girls and they were so inseparable they had their own language. The mother encouraged it and thought it was cute. It wasn't.