Would you have a 2nd if...

[shardlakem]

• Need fertility treatment and have had miscarriages
• Nearly 40
• No help from grandparents
• DH works away a lot

How are things in your life at the moment? Did you have your first under the same circumstances? If the answers are good and yes, then I'd definitely try for a second.

I had such a miserable 4 years trying and failing at getting a pregnancy to stick that I couldn't face it again and I just wanted to enjoy dd. I couldn't face being sucked into the abyss again and if it failed I might have missed the loveliest moments as I'd be grieving. I wanted to enjoy her stages and be as present as I could be.

Yes had the first under the same circumstances - the first 12-18 months was really hard but we have got into a good rhythm now and I can manage well by myself. So not sure if it's worth trying again knowing it might just be a difficult first year or so. My head says no but my heart is wondering if I will regret not trying!

I agree.
I know the usual posters will pipe up with 'siblings don't always get along' etc. But the majority do. My siblings are the closest people I have in my life, aside from my husband, my son and my mother. We've been through losing our dad together. There's no one else that could ever understand that grief and walk that exact path with me. And no, this isn't the only reason we want a second child, we also just want to have another child, and we can afford to etc.
Yes, not everyone can havea second child. But these are the reasons I have tried so hard, after having 3 losses. I'm now 12 weeks pregnant with our 2nd.

No. After what you have been through I would count my blessings. Your DH working away would likely become an issue as the children get older and you are juggling the needs of two.

If it’s a yearning, rather than a musing I would at least give it a go.

make sure fertility treatment is targeted (ie pgt tested embryos) to give a higher success rate and to try avoid more miscarriages.

my DH works away a lot and I have 2 under 2 (similar age as you and needed ivf) and I knew I would regret at least not trying for a second. He’s here now and the bond between my 2 is amazing. But it can be tough doing a lot of solo parenting and I feel under valued a LOT!

Yes, so that child one has a companion through life and help to support you as you get older.
Not that it always works out like that, but it does more often than not.

Your 2nd, 3rd and 4th points would not even make me question, that’s just life for some and you make it work in whatever way works for you.
The needing fertility treatment would make me question. I went through fertility treatment, unsuccessfully in my case. It destroyed me physically, mentally and spiritually. You say you conceived your first this way though so only you know how you handled that process. If you got through it ok then yes I would try again.

No, I wouldn’t. I had the same circumstances apart from DH working away (tbh I would struggle with even one DC if DH worked away!) and we decided to stay at one and have never regretted it.

I am exactly in this position and have decided not to.