Would you have a 2nd if...

[shardlakem]

• Need fertility treatment and have had miscarriages
• Nearly 40
• No help from grandparents
• DH works away a lot

Personally, no. I have friends and family members with one child and they have it so much easier than those with two or more. Plus more time, more money, more focus, etc on the one you have.

Following with interest...a similar debate goes on in my head.

If I wanted to parent 2 children and Dh was on board, yes.

Nope.

Yes because my (unpopular) belief is a sibling is valuable and worth the sacrifice.

No.

I had two out of your four things and have always regretted having a second child. They are teens now and things are actually harder (emotionally) than they were when they were younger. Back then it was physically exhausting. Now its mentally exhausting.

Yes, I would for a second. Not for a third though personally.

I am currently pregnant and had multiple miscarriages. I said this is the last time ever regardless of the outcome. I’ve just reached my limit of pregnancy/ my head going round in circles / brain power.

For me the age, no GP help wasn’t part of the deciding factor. Husband being away might be but only for the pregnancy and first year.

It depends OP if you feel you have one more go at the situation in you. I always think in 10-20 years would it be a regret or something you can say we really thought about and didn’t for x reason or we really tried and it didn’t work out.

No, I would put yourself through ivf again especially with a small child to manage at the same time.

Yes if it is what you really want.

When we were trying for our second I went through hell, late loss after late loss but I wanted another baby more than I wanted to not go through it if that makes sense. Also late 30s, DH working away, no help at all. Only you know if it’s something you want. if it is what you want then go for it.

No. We have 2 and get no help from grandparents but DH wfh. There’s no way I would cope if he worked away, although I have ASD and ADHD so I do rely a lot on DH for support so may be different for others.

Personally, yes but I'd put a time limit on it.

No

No, not under those circumstances. I had dc2 aged 42 (conceived naturally) but I looked into fertility treatment when ttc and ruled it out as it seemed like such low chances at my age it felt like a waste of money. And there's an opportunity cost for that money when you have a dc already. I just figured we wouldn't get our hopes up or put too much effort into ttc, but also not do anything to prevent it, and if it wasn't meant to be then it wouldn't happen.

I also only decided that I was willing to have dc2 because I knew DH was hands on and present with dc1, and never works away. We don't have any help from gps but I feel supported because DH shares the parenting load equally every single day. I wouldn't be a good solo parent to 2 dcs.

I personally wouldn't. If you have little help from DH and potentially difficult pregnancy/recovery, that would be really hard on the whole family.

Slightly different but we have stayed with only one child because DH developed a chronic health issue that means he is often exhausted and unable to help out. DD is a happy 6yo with lots of friends, and I know we made the right decision although I do often feel guilty about siblings.

…. bad idea to but I still would

No but only due to the 4th point. I wouldn’t even have one child with a partner who worked away a lot unless my job was very relaxed or I was a SAHM. I know single parents manage but I wouldn’t deliberately set out to be one.

I have recently had a 2nd child in similar circumstances except DH never works away and the initial bit is hard work.

I did. Took 8 rounds of ivf. I just needed to have another baby. I am not saying it was necessarily the best way to decide, but I just was consumed with the need for another.

No the broodiness may not stop just because you have another LO.

No. We tried DH working away with 2 DC and no grandparent support and it was so bad that DH had to change jobs.

For me, the biggest factor here would be a husband who works away a lot. I would never have had a first let alone a second child had this been the case- my husband works from from home and is an extremely hands on parent, and I know I would not have coped well with parenting without this.

However, plenty of women do cope and so it’s entirely down to your own personality and your coping mechanisms.

I would also be inclined to think about what happens if you had a second child with health concerns or high needs relating to SEN. Clearly, it’s impossible to know what life would be like but it’s always a risk, especially when the parent is older, and I would again need good support around me to manage.

Yes I did. 37 multiple miscarriages - required fertility treatment (didn’t have the DH working away issue though)

to me having another child and giving my eldest a sibling (s) was hugely important

definitely not

Agree

This.

My dh is hybrid and pulls its weight.
We now have zero/ almost zero support. (We had some support until youngest was 12m).

It is HARD.

You may develop health problems in 2nd pregnancy (i did) you might have a disabled child. Mine arent as far as we know but youngest was in NICU for a month.