I hate having the second child

[Lalinka279]

So I nearly 40 years old with 8 years old and I decided to have another child…I mean why and how I forgot about all the horrible stages of babies development I don’t know. My other one was born premature 2 months, I spent one month in hospital…one week he was ok now a nightmare!!! Sleeps
only on me, screams, when getting changed, when having a bath, in a car seat, when laid down….screams….i can’t do anything in house. Cause I’m carrying him…I don’t go out, weather is miserable and cold and also he would scream…I loved my life before! I did my exercises, had sleep etc. now I hate everything! I also dreading when I’m bk at work cause I cannot imagine going bk full time and him being full time in nursery, also the cost of it probably better if I stay home. I wish I could turn back time and never had the second child!!!

Poor kid!!!....

Have you spoken to a doctor about how you feel? This sounds very much like it could be post partum depression

How old is your baby, Lalinka270? Your post really struck me. Firstly, whilst you understandably can't see it right now, this time will pass. You will at some point, be able to resume exercise and carve out some time for yourself - it won't always be this hard.

What support do you have around you? Family? Friends? A partner? Is there anyone who can step up to give you a break, who you love and trust? I would get in touch with your health visitor tomorrow - request a home visit asap. Don't worry about the state of the house, and when you see the HV, don't hold back - be brutally honest about how diffixult you are finding it.

How is your eldest child baring up?

I think it's really common to find 1-2 harder than 0-1 but I do think you should go to a Dr, he could have tongue tie or reflux or something.

Speak to your GP or Health Visitor. You need to be assessed for PND, which is more common when a child has been in NICU, but you should also ask about the possibility that your child has GERD. 'Hidden' reflux can make a baby unable to lie flat even long enough to change a nappy without pain, and they can't sleep flat either. And it's also more common in babies born premature.

I heard it described as “you think having two children is twice as hard. It’s actually 100x harder”. It’s tough. It’s divide and conquer. The kids are into entirely different things. Naps are frustrating at times. The lack of sleep is exhausting. And being 8 years older means you are just more tired in general. To those saying it should be easy or you may have PND, you might also just be tired and having a rant, which is totally ok. Congrats on your new baby, and you’ll get through it, but yes, it absolutely is hard.

I have to say it does get easier It sounds like you may have post natal depression though. I’d very much recommend you seeing your GP about this. I hope baby settles soon

I would also investigate silent reflux as it sounds like baby needs to be upright. Doctors will gas light you and pretend it isn't a problem because baby is gaining weight.

It's not unreasonable to find what you're experiencing very difficult. You have a hard baby by the sounds of it. Doesn't mean you have pnd necessarily.

No. Having a baby that only sleeps on you is absolute hell.

Agree with others OP, i would take baby to the GP to investigate the possibility of silent reflux. Both mine had it. Demand the omeprazole, don’t bother with the gaviscon they will try and offer you first.

Sounds like reflux or colic. Check with baby's doctor. One of mine was similar gestation and also had a really unsettled stage which none of my other children went through, it was heartbreaking seeing him so upset. It was just a stage though, he's delightful now, things will get better for you.

Also to add that my kid's silent reflux just disappeared at 5 months old. So there is light at the end of the tunnel of screaming if it's caused by reflux.

I empathise too Op. we had a nearly 7 year gap and a similar experience with our second, we don’t regret having them but boy was it hard, they also struggled lying flat and we had a long while of very very poor sleep. We only got through really by sharing the load between the two of us. It gradually got better.

Thank you for your messages. I just need to know when it’s guna be better. I put him on a different milk anti reflux we will see…yes poor baby. After what I v have put him through higher blood pressure, severe preeclampsia, 2 months early, tubes all over his body. All I want him to sleep in his own bed or at least sleep on his own so I can do stuff.. my biggest achievement is if I take bins out…I wait for my husband to come home so I can put washing out, yea I v got another hand but I don’t want to hurt my baby if I tries to lift his head up…it’s just the sleep nothing else. I really had it easy, 30 days in scabu he did extremely well not on any medication, I can consider myself lucky.still I’m whining, overthinking, overstimulated, useless cow…

You need to see a doctor for baby, just to see if there's reflux or anything causing discomfort, and it sounds like you should speak to someone about your mental health as well. It's incredibly common to struggle after having a baby that has needed special care, it's a stressful situation to be in and it's okay to need time to recover from it. What happened to your baby was not your fault and it sounds like you are blaming yourself a bit there. Also, I really had to let go of getting everything done at times,and just know that sitting and holding your lovely baby is the most important task at times. If you have to wait for your husband to be home to do the washing, that's okay. This stage will pass and you will have your hands free again.

I have the same age gap - 8 year old and under 1 (soon approaching first birthday so probably a little older than yours by the sound of it). Absolutely shite sleeper at night and can only get 30 mins naps in the day if he's not alseep with me. My first was the same. The difference between the two is that this time, I know it passes! You know it gets better as you've described all that free time and sleep you had before your second has come along. It's just a waiting game before you get all that back again.

@Petitchati don’t know why you would comment this, it seems very unhealthy!

@worriedsickson19

Unhealthy to show empathy for the baby?
What in earth are you talking about?

OP said I wish I could turn back time and never had the second child!!!

Therefore yes, poor kid.......

Reported your comment for your cold response to a clearly struggling new mother. For shame on you.

@Lalinka279 second baby is sooooo hard. Going from 1 to 2 is like a bomb has been thrown into your routine and home. Please PM me if you’d like to discuss difficulties and how things do get easier (and they really DO) xx

Op, my ds was like that for weeks. It.was a real struggle. He finally settled when I put him in a sling. I had both hands free and could get things done, and he settled and was quieter, often asleep tucked in against me.

Have you tried that?

I really feel for you @Lalinka279. My first would only sleep one and it was relentless.

Some things that might help:

Have a read of the symptoms of Tongue Tie and if they sound familiar, see a Tongue Tie Practitioner.

Try a t-shirt DH/DP has work as the sheet on the crib. This will give ot a nice, reassuring smell and might help hin to settle.

Try a stretchy sling. There may be a sling library in your area where you can try different ones out. My DC2 liked to be held constantly and the sling made it easier for me to do things.

And do talk to your GP and HV. It’s not your fault that you had pre-eclampsia or that your LO needed to be in Scubu. It sounds as though you do need some Counselling and your HV may know of a local group where Mums who are struggling a bit can meet.

If they’re on anti-reflux milk, I’d also have a read of this on CMPA

@Thatsnotevenmyusername

No, shame on YOU for trying to stop someone showing empathy for the baby.
I've had three positive "reactions" so I'm not alone in this.

Sleeps only on me, screams, when getting changed, when having a bath, in a car seat, when laid down....screams....I can't do anything in the house
Cause I'm carrying him I don't go out, weather is miserable and cold and also he would scream...I loved my life before! I did my exercises, had sleep etc. now I hate everything

I wish I could turn back time and never had the second child

Do you think the baby doesn't feel any of that?
OP may well be struggling but the baby will be struggling more.

Therefore yes, for the third time now, poor kid...

Furthermore, I've been on mumsnet for fifteen years and never seen anyone report what you deem "a cold response"

PS: did you know you are allowed to post your feelings (as long as not personally insulting or threatening)

I can well understand why many of the old mumsnetters have disappeared.
This wokeness of not being able to post a short empathetic comment without being reported, is a joke!!

I wrote I hate having..not that I hate my child! I bought a carrier, changed milk and I can see a change in him. I wrote this post at 3 am after 0 sleep. So yeah maybe in couple
months I will be disgusted by this post myself. But it is hard I v got family here to help, I just thought it would be easier..he is very very clingy that’s all. Thank you for your reaction though.

He is nearly 3 months old, my 8 year old loved the idea of having a brother but then he got worried cause we stayed in hospital, now he’s a bit jealous. I know things will get changed and probably better. But this how I feel atm.

I purchased a sling and a carrier hopefully it will get better. Thank you for your advice ! X