My child doesn’t know how to play.

[TennerTuesday]

I never expected to have this challenge in parenting. I thought that at the very least, kids will play. My son is 9, (autistic, low support needs) and can’t/won’t play. I have never ever known him to pick up a toy and play with it. To use any imagination. It’s like he has no thoughts inside his mind. If left, he simply lays on the floor, staring up at the ceiling and singing tunelessly. He requires and expects ‘being entertained’ either by parents or his little brother. Even if we wait and wait, hoping he will get bored and creativity will kick in (like it does with kids usually) it just doesn’t. Inevitably he ends up angry with us for not giving in to his demands for external stimulation.

If he has someone alongside him then of course he’ll play- we did a lot of train track building etc when he was younger. There was never anything imaginative- all very functional. And he’s keen on board games, card games etc now. But absolutely nothing on his own. I see other families with kids who will sit with a box of Lego for ages or whatever and just think how amazing that must be. He builds Lego sets from instructions once and then never again.

Just a rant really. It’s extremely challenging. We can’t really spend time at home as it’s pretty unbearable having him just rattling around, laying on the floor or following other family members around and disrupting his brothers play. We’re trying to strike the balance between involving him in things, but also teaching independence. I just feel like we’re failing at both.

I don’t think I want advice but would be comforting to know if other families have this challenge too?

Does he like to read - maybe comics or books with a lot of pictures. My (then undiagnosed) Ds loved reading at this age. Especially graphic novels.

Don’t know why some people are sticking the boot in OP. Your son sounds like hard bloody work. I’ve worked with autistic children for years and, yes, they play differently, but all have been able to absorb themselves in something independently at age 9- Lego, video games, model making, sensory toys, model trains etc. Quite honestly, in my experience it’s usually the autistic kids who are better at entertaining themselves than neurotypical kids as they have such a strong sense of what they are interested in and get so absorbed in what they like.

You’re at your wits end not because you expect him to play typically, but because you just want him to have the independent drive to be interested and absorbed in something on his own- something he can gain satisfaction from without your input. As usual on Mumsnet, those with dreadful comprehension skills are jumping straight on this post to “feel sorry” for your son. I feel sorry for you OP, it must be exhausting!

I think you need to keep plugging away at it. Try to hone in on what he does like to do and find ways to expand on that. If he likes Lego but only with instructions, there are books with Lego build suggestions. There is also an app that can scan a pile of Lego and create instructions for a build. If he likes trains, do you have room to create a Hornby train set up. That’s something that is built over many years and he can learn about model making as well as maintaining the engines.

As with neurotypical kids, you’re going to have to stick to your guns and set boundaries around the time you’re willing to play with him. Don’t give in to it and lose your time to yourself. If he wants to lie down and sing to himself, let him and step over him. Have consequences for him disrupting his brother and expecting him to be his dancing monkey whenever he decides. He has to learn that people play when they want to, not when he demands it and forces them.

How much access does he have to arts and crafts materials?

Rebrickable is a good Lego site where you can input what sets you have and it will come up with other instructions. I also find it quite fun to look through things like the lists of what parts we have.

Both DS1 and DS2 can be a bit like this. They are both diagnosed with ADHD and I think DS2 is autistic as well but he will get involved in special interest related projects if left to his own devices.

DS1 just ended up having way too much screen time which wasn't my best ever solution. For him it got much better when he got to secondary school because he had more freedom to direct some of that yearning for attention onto his friends instead of it only ever being directed at me which was stifling. DS2 wasn't born until he was 10 so he didn't have a sibling to ask to play. I also got him a lot of paper project/puzzle/etc books which I find throughout the house years later with bits filled in so he must have done some of them!

DS2 probably also has more screen time than is ideal but it's not as much as DS1 used to have. I have found with DS2 that the more I do stuff with him, the more he is likely to try things out on his own, but DS1 didn't really do this. I can't say whether it's personality differences or whether I was more burnt out with DS1 and didn't know how to manage it and so gave in on the screen time more easily.

The other thing which does help me with both of them is having a time limit on things. So I do stuff like a few rounds of Uno because it has an end point. Or I'll set a timer and play Minecraft for an hour.

Personally I don't like Roblox and don't let them play it, (well, DS1 can but he's a teenager now) but I am happy for them to play Minecraft, console games like Mario, and more "traditional" computer games - DS2 is really into the bus/train/tram driving simulation games. Sometimes if games are free, the cost is that they are designed to be more addictive/brain-rot type thing either to force you to watch loads of ads or buy in-app content etc, so it can be better conversely to pay for games as you get better quality (sometimes anyway). Yes I do think there can be positives from Roblox but IMO you have to monitor them pretty closely on it, and if you're already feeling that you need to spend so much time on entertainment/monitoring, then that is not very helpful. Roblox is like the "youtube" of games so all the content on there is user-generated.

Because she can't do that all day! People have to cook, work, clean etc and also it's incredibly boring and draining playing all the time for an adult

Seems like a strange one for no one to have talked about but what about reading? I basically only read books and did very little play for my entire childhood but they kept me pretty busy. Also, for Yoto between discounts, bundles, subscription options, Make Your Own Cards, etc the cost of the average card is probably £7-8 per card and Make Your Own Cards are only £2 if you are tech savvy enough to fill them up yourself.

Totally get it. Also, sometimes you just need to vent and other people solutionising for you isn’t always helpful! But there are some great suggestions here and I might try some myself.

Our DC has diagnosed ASD but we strongly suspect he is AuDHD, so he can be, let’s say variable, when it comes to his ability to focus on anything. I am assuming you’d rather not encourage screens - I’m afraid this is the one thing our DC will do alone (albeit in a room with us) but we have to tread carefully or his solution is simply to move from one screen or device to another, which isn’t ideal. He does enjoy Roblox but that needs very careful monitoring.

Would he be into model
making? My DS is 9 and lived building Lego by himself with an audio book on and now builds and paints models. It’s hard to get him out of his room!

I think that’s the issue - it sounds like he’s not ready for more independence yet.

@Aimtodobetter he’s a very strong reader and also a very reluctant one. Have tried all sorts- choosing books together at the library, using timers, rewards, and we read together every night at bedtime. But again, he won’t choose to pick up a book, or even spend time reading if I suggest it.

over the summer holidays the local library did a reading challenge and he nailed it- powered his way through the books one after the other. He was certainly motivated by the reward element, and the challenge he set himself of how fast he could complete it, but I don’t think he took any enjoyment from the books themselves so he wouldn’t choose to spend time doing this day to day.

@Yourethebeerthief thank you for your thoughtful reply. You pick up on a good point there- many autistic children I know do get absorbed in their special interests (it’s a defining trait of autism after all) so it’s quite challenging and confusing to see that he doesn’t have this trait.

We’re plugging away with the boundaries as you say. I feel like I’ve been saying the same things to him for years eg ‘your brother doesn’t have to play with you’ etc but it doesn’t sink in. It’s like Groundhog Day sometimes. Of course when they do play together it has to be by his rigid rules or he will shout at him, which isn’t super fun for little brother, and requires a lot of refereeing and intervention by us. So he wants others to play with him but finds it very difficult when the play takes a different direction to what he planned. Talk about rock and a hard place!

He will sometimes sit and play cards on his own so I’m going to Google single player games as I don’t know many myself. Does anyone have any suggestions?

My 10 year old is also autistic. He was a very high needs baby and wouldn't be put down. As soon as he could sit we would place him toys and leave him to play. We felt this was an important precedent to set.
He has never played imaginatively. No role play or figures. No superheroes or pretend adventures. He loves to build, engineer and adapt. He loves electronics such as building circuits, woodwork and coding. He thrives in outdoor physical play (never sports) Made dens everyday for 5 years but never once played in them! We made sure to structure his play so there was an understanding that certain times were time to play alone. This could still be done by building up time slowly.
Over the years he has enjoyed jigsaws and crafts usually accompanied by an audiobook. What we've found is that if there is the option of TV or computer games he would always choose that. We have to be clear when these are off the table. He 'plays' the most when he should be in bed. We send him to bed really early to facilitate this. He must be the only 10 year old who goes to bed at 7.30! Last night he made a pair of shoes 🤣
It is difficult when your child is different and their play looks different (and more difficult) than everyone else's but let his interests lead him and set an expectation of a set time to engage in independent play each day.

My DD is incredibly stubborn when it comes to reading. She is a great reader but WILL NOT read books we suggest.

The only way to get her into a book is either for them to become popular at school or for us to buy the first on on audible. Then she gets hooked and will read an entire series.

We have Calico and "Dungeon Dice and Danger" - both of which can be single player.

Fair warning though - DS much prefers it if someone plays with him so the solo game thing hasn't worked for us!

That’s disappointing, not sure how he will learn to entertain himself throughout life. Hopefully he enjoys reading.