My child doesn’t know how to play.

[TennerTuesday]

I never expected to have this challenge in parenting. I thought that at the very least, kids will play. My son is 9, (autistic, low support needs) and can’t/won’t play. I have never ever known him to pick up a toy and play with it. To use any imagination. It’s like he has no thoughts inside his mind. If left, he simply lays on the floor, staring up at the ceiling and singing tunelessly. He requires and expects ‘being entertained’ either by parents or his little brother. Even if we wait and wait, hoping he will get bored and creativity will kick in (like it does with kids usually) it just doesn’t. Inevitably he ends up angry with us for not giving in to his demands for external stimulation.

If he has someone alongside him then of course he’ll play- we did a lot of train track building etc when he was younger. There was never anything imaginative- all very functional. And he’s keen on board games, card games etc now. But absolutely nothing on his own. I see other families with kids who will sit with a box of Lego for ages or whatever and just think how amazing that must be. He builds Lego sets from instructions once and then never again.

Just a rant really. It’s extremely challenging. We can’t really spend time at home as it’s pretty unbearable having him just rattling around, laying on the floor or following other family members around and disrupting his brothers play. We’re trying to strike the balance between involving him in things, but also teaching independence. I just feel like we’re failing at both.

I don’t think I want advice but would be comforting to know if other families have this challenge too?

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My 11yo is very very similar. (Not autistic).

He does not, and has never played imaginative games. Even as a toddler with Duplo he'd discard all the characters and just sort the "single bits" (squares) by colour.

He seems much better at entertaining himself revently, I think age 9 was a bit of a "peak" of not being able to entertain himself, and I empathise with your frustration - the constant need for input is exhausting for the person who has to do it!

He's really into Pokémon so organising his cards is an activity he can get into by himself. (He does like sorting things out! I might use him to do my filing!!). I think the extra independence from a term at secondary school has helped actually - I realise it's some way off for you, but it does seem to have made something change as hes had to learn to do more independent home work etc.

He has always done very well with a repeatable timetable in the holidays/lockdown (!!) (i.e. he's allowed on his switch after he's completed a series of the same activities like reading, homework, puzzles)

He still likes to have someone "beside him" even when doing solo activities (he'll only colour in if I do it too). He's developed a good symbiotic Lego "way of working" with his brother [he builds the sets and DS2 plays with the results - then he "resets" them - it hardly ever even causes arguments any more!!]

My DS was like this. He is now 13 and is able to entertain himself, mostly by writing. At your son’s age he enjoyed Snap Circuits, which he could do by himself but would sit with me while he did it, often in the kitchen. He could show me when he had completed a circuit.
He also enjoyed hex bugs and gravitrax.

Does he play in different way? My autistic 9 year will spend time rearranging her resin animals and squashy balls. She can do craft sets if somebody is body doubling. But Iike a PP she needs a distraction to help her maintain her concentration like a podcast or audiobook.

Has he got any specialist interests? My ds who is autistic loves seeing how everything works so will spend hours playing with things like marble runs and those snap circuit toys. Also maze balls

Op, your ds is his own person. He doesn't do imaginative play but that is no reason to rant.

My ds was similar. Set him task - build a den, or a train track - and he'd be fully absorbed. Expect him to play "free form" and he'd just look puzzled and then a bit bored.

He's 17 now, and a born engineer
He likes solving puzzles and problems.

Just think of your ds as a Brunel rather than a Picasso and stop ranting. 😀

Unless his room is spotless, clothes washed and ironed, homework and exercise for the day done, I’m pretty sure you can find something for him to do if he’s at a loose end.

Play happens in between life, it isn’t the focus.

my DS1 is similar. I was just trying to think what we did at 9: it was the pandemic lockdowns and we bought him a Rubik’s cube, downloaded some instructions to get him started, and that’s what he did for the next several years. He’s now very adept and can solve a range of cube types very fast.

His other love was (is) Lego: he is happy following the instructions and building complicated things.

Later, a friend got him into playing D&D and from this he learned how to be imaginative. I highly recommend this.

My ds can spend a very long time with a notebook and a pencil -drawing up things that evolve into stories/ play in his head. I think watching programmes like art ninja on cbbc has helped him develop that.
Also motion animation - a tablet, aardman’s animation app and a couple of Lego characters. May be write together a short script , to help with the imaginative side, and see how that goes.

I can tell you’re worried. I’m worried about my dc all the time too (other things). Being parent feels hard because it is hard.

I know it’s not quite the focus of your post, but how would he be if you taught him to cook alongside you? If shown how to do it safely, would he be ok to peel potatoes / chop vegetables etc? Might be nice as a shared activity that’s building independence in a different way, that could then have him quietly focused on chopping whilst you’re doing other bits. He also would hopefully feel a sense of pride at helping do something for the family? Maybe he would like reading recipe books and helping plan things to make / organise equipment?

apologies if totally off-track and unsuitable!

My on the waiting list for assessment 7 year old is like this. But she also hasn't developed any special interests and doesn't have a fascination with how things work or anything useful like that!

Lately I've set her to play on the Nintendo Switch. Different types of things like sports, or a game where you like after puppies etc. I felt bad initially but watching her actually engage in something and try at least to an extent to overcome game challenges without totally giving up has felt surprisingly positive and I think it's carrying over a bit into real life.

Op, you're trying your hardest and it's understandable to struggle sometimes. We all do. Even the posters suggesting it's as simple as just playing with them 24/7 or 'knowing their interests'. I hope some of the actual suggestions are helpful.

Even as a toddler with Duplo he'd discard all the characters and just sort the "single bits" (squares) by colour.

organising his cards is an activity he can get into by himself. (He does like sorting things out!

Are you sure that DS isn't autistic?

Could you get him doing something like cooking or some kind of job? my DN is like this - he is on the spectrum and of course being entirely absent of imaginary play is classic spectrum symptom. But he likes being busy with things and enjoys challenges. He also enjoys destroying things, but that also translates into quite enjoying slapping clay about. He enjoys crafts that use his hands.

This post made me sad and a little disturbed. You seem to want your son to be something he is not. Why on earth should he have to want to play by himself? Why are you so obsessed with creativity and imagination? Of course he has thoughts inside his mind and desires external stimulation. He sounds bored and needs much more stimulation than you seem willing or able to give him. Don't you enjoy spending time with him? Are you not able to take an interest and delight in what he finds interesting? Have you considered going to therapy yourself because you seem to have some distorted ideas and don't seem to realise that, but instead seem to be problematising your child with them.

I know many kids go overboard with them, but this sounds like an ideal scenario for measured use of computer games!

The him to knit, crochet or sew and he follow patterns and never be bored again.

Not really, and this is one of the things which upsets me a little, as I would love for him to simply be interested in something...anything! He doesnt seem to be able to get absorbed in anything. I do suspect he has more of an AuDHD profile and really struggles to 'still' his mind.

Crikey, bit harsh.

I think like most parents, I am really doing my best but when faced with a challenge every day, every week, month, year, I do have limits and find things frustrating. Of course I enjoy spending time with him! Our weekends are dedicated to the kids, we are always out and about and doing things together. At home, we spend time playing board games, doing puzzles, cooking together, trying to encourage crafts, lego, marble runs, gravitrax, reading.... etc. But I think I can't win as it may be that we have actually failed to foster independence in him and he has become reliant on us?

Why should he play by himself? Because I dont want him to think everyone else was put on this planet for his entertainment. I really dont think its cruel to expect him to learn some self sufficiency. I can't be 'on hand' for him all the time.

My OP was written in a frustrated moment, but I promise I'm trying to find the balance of accepting the disabling effect of his neurodivergence and supporting him with that, whilst also giving him the skills to function independently in life.

There are some really good suggestions here, thank you everyone. I think the suggestion about having podcasts and audiobooks on in the background is a really good one, I think that could help him focus.

I really don't have a problem with him not being imaginative/creative - its not his fault and not everyone has to be creative. I completely lack imagination too! But its the lack of focus which is difficult. Even things he enjoys, he only is able to do for a few minutes. Hopefully the audio input could help.

With things like cooking - he would be keen to help, but after peeling one or two carrots he's very much "job done" and will lose interest and expect to be provided with a new activity.

I've just seen the suggestion about D&D - I reckon this could be a winner (when he's older? I dont know much about it)

I understand how intense it can feel when your autistic child needs so much of your time and attention.
I think one of the most valuable skills I used was reframing things from a NT perspective to an autistic perspective. Easier said than done but honestly worth doing.
My first suggestion woukd be to try and stop the future projection and focus on the here and now.
You say
Why should he play by himself? Because I dont want him to think everyone else was put on this planet for his entertainment. I really dont think its cruel to expect him to learn some self sufficiency. I can't be 'on hand' for him all the time.
Reframing that to recognising his current need is for lots of coregulation may be helpful. His (less regulated) nervous system needs another (regulated) nervous system to engage in activities. He may need sensory regulation activities (trampoline, deep pressure, fine motor etc) before being able to focus on the activities that nd children can approach more easily.
He will learn independence in skills from a basis of security and dependence first. And being autistic that may take longer or look different from his peers. Trust me, he already knows the world doesn't revolve around him.

For many autistic children technology provides the dopamine hit that their nervous system needs. Other play activities don't have that inherent buzz for them. Toys plus secure adult engagement makes the activities doable and rewarding.

That doesn't make it less intense for you as a parent, but it helps make the demands purposeful and positive, rather than negative and feel (mistaken ly) that it's detrimental to provide what he needs at this point in his development.

His time at school will likely deplete his sensory and nervous systems, so it is highly likely he needs that extra security and support at home to refill his reserves.
Good luck

Would he be into music lessons? Then at a set time each day when you need to do things he could go off and practise? No imagination required just learning and mastering various techniques along the way, and it doesn't finish like a Lego set.

@KittyHigham thank you for this thoughtful reply. You are right about reframing it. I suppose I fall into the trap of seeing him as pretty 'high functioning' and assuming his needs should be the same as a neurotypical child.

He does love the time he spends on the games console, he genuinely seems really passionate about it and will talk at length about them...but its those mind numbing roblox games which as a parent just make me utterly cringe and instinctively want to discourage.

Does anyone have a suggestions for a device which would enable him to listen to music and audiobooks, but which isnt a phone/tablet/tonie/yoto?

Voxblock? An old fashioned MP3 player?