My child doesn’t know how to play.

[TennerTuesday]

I never expected to have this challenge in parenting. I thought that at the very least, kids will play. My son is 9, (autistic, low support needs) and can’t/won’t play. I have never ever known him to pick up a toy and play with it. To use any imagination. It’s like he has no thoughts inside his mind. If left, he simply lays on the floor, staring up at the ceiling and singing tunelessly. He requires and expects ‘being entertained’ either by parents or his little brother. Even if we wait and wait, hoping he will get bored and creativity will kick in (like it does with kids usually) it just doesn’t. Inevitably he ends up angry with us for not giving in to his demands for external stimulation.

If he has someone alongside him then of course he’ll play- we did a lot of train track building etc when he was younger. There was never anything imaginative- all very functional. And he’s keen on board games, card games etc now. But absolutely nothing on his own. I see other families with kids who will sit with a box of Lego for ages or whatever and just think how amazing that must be. He builds Lego sets from instructions once and then never again.

Just a rant really. It’s extremely challenging. We can’t really spend time at home as it’s pretty unbearable having him just rattling around, laying on the floor or following other family members around and disrupting his brothers play. We’re trying to strike the balance between involving him in things, but also teaching independence. I just feel like we’re failing at both.

I don’t think I want advice but would be comforting to know if other families have this challenge too?

My dd is nearly 30. I don’t remember her ever playing with toys. I have always thought she is ever so slightly on the spectrum. She now has a high powered job after exceptional exam results at secondary and uni. At primary, she was just average. No advice other than that’s the way some people are.

Maybe he needs something more structured. Try ‘Simply Piano’ app, or Duolingo,
or a martial art?

Will he do puzzles or one-player games, colour or draw, or indeed write (facts if not interested in fiction)?
My DS is very into board games, he has ADHD and is massively creative but he does also like puzzles like Cubissimo, that you don't need another player for. You have to keep trying to get puzzle pieces to fit, but there is a right answer, and you only need one player.

I really, REALLY am not intending to be an arese, but why are you not playing with your kid?

That's the need.

Your op clearly says you kid needs to be played with or alongside. So do that 🤷‍♀️
And so sorry, because this post seems lecturing, but I don't understand why you're not just playing with them

He’s 9 and autistic. His play skills and interests are different from his siblings. Not worse, not less valid, just different.

Stop expecting him to behave the same as a neurotypical child and think really carefully about his interest base. It sounds like he needs more structured, possibly instruction based activities eg models, music, chess rather than anything which requires him to be creative or imaginative.

the way you’ve talked about him here makes me feel quite sad. You make it sound like you don’t like him very much.

Err because he is 9! Because it’s not possible to give him exclusive attention 24/7. It’s not unreasonable to expect that he is able to entertain himself at least some of the time.

Maybe he needs some more single player, no imagination required, resources.

If you look online there are loads of card games where you're trying to beat the deck that can be played alone.

There are loads of one player, stem type games.

You could get a Rubik's Cube.

There is a company that runs a Lego library where you can build, dismantle and send back. If he likes following the instructions, but the sets are too expensive to buy this is a good alternative.

Jigsaws

Marble Run and Magnatiles - you can look up online tutorials so no imagination needed.

Crosswords/wordsearches/sudoku/escape room style games.

Does he read? If not maybe audiobooks.

It must be very difficult. Ignore the deliberately unhelpful responses from pp.

@NuffSaidSam has given some excellent possibilities. And to the pp having a go, nobody sits and plays with a 9 year old all day.

I have one like this and I’m sure OP does play with him but she probably also has to make dinner, listen to the younger DC read, clean the cat litter tray or whatever. Mine goes into “entertain me!” mode when he’s run out of inspiration and it is maddening, especially if you need to actually do things. We simply can’t facilitate permanent one to one time - often one of us is at home with both DCs.

OP, it doesn’t help at this time
of year but mine loves the trampoline - it seems to help regulate him.

Seconding the rubix cube. Also books, drawing, colouring, puzzles, print out worksheets or workbooks, playing a keyboard with headphones in. Or useful stuff like hanging laundry on the dryer or matching up the socks.

You could try having a regular time each day where he’s expected to keep himself amused, eg. for the 15 -30 mins after dinner so it becomes a normal and expected part of daily life. Then build up, or let it build up naturally when he has established what he likes to do.

There's also an app where you can scan a random selection of Lego bricks and it tells you what you can build using those bricks (with instructions) so that's another way to get more instruction based play out of existing Lego sets.

Seconding a pp suggesting audiobooks or podcasts - loads of kid friendly ones which are great. Bluetooth headphones if he wants to be in a shared space and we've found listening to something quells the urge to make repetitive noises a bit as well.

What about sorting? One of mine was happy for a good while sorting eg dried beans from rice, arranging beads by colour etc (often combined with an audiobook to really get a decent length of engagement). We have made good use of this when trying to find holiday euros in a big jar of multi-origin change or bagging up the household copper collection. I did also buy a massive bag of foreign coins which could be sorted into size, shape country of origin, insignias etc - massive hit!

He also loved those scratch off pictures for the challenge of scratching it completely clean!

Actually, it is unreasonable to expect a child with some autistic presentations to self-entertain. That's one of the reasons why autism is a disability.

I promise we do play with him a lot and have done for his whole life. But as he gets older we are trying to encourage more independence.

My DD is a bit like this. She had dolls but played with them about once a year.

She loves art though, colouring but will only do it with an audiobook on the go.

Jigsaw puzzles.

I wonder if he might like something like a Turin tumble?

This is a fair point. I know I need to adjust my expectations and I do try, every day! But sometimes the frustration boils over I read back over my post and I do feel bad for how it sounds.

the thing is he appears to just not be interested in anything. We make so many suggestions, and obviously have a house full of games and resources and options but 95% of them don’t seem to spark any interest.

Would a simple book nook be something he could have a go at making if he likes instructions?

What is he like at school?

Thank you there are some really good ideas here. I will look up the Lego library in particular.

He just doesn’t want to play single player games, he really needs the external input, and I think he’s starting to see them as a kind of punishment, like he’s being ‘sent away’ to be on his own. We don’t send him away, he can play in any part of the house, but on the rare occasions he does do something independently, he gets furious with younger brother for making noise. So we gently remind him he can play in his bedroom if he would like peace and quiet, and then it’s WW3 with storming and slamming of doors and shouts of how unfair it is, worst parents ever, worst brother ever.

Thank you for understanding.

The trampoline is a brilliant idea, we used to have one and he loved it. He wouldn’t go on it on his own though, would insist brother went on with him. This usually ends in tears.

I know it sounds like I’m coming up with problems rather than solutions. Just a little at my wits end at the moment!

My autistic dd 10 is the same. I was the same as a kid aswell tbh, I really enjoyed setting my toys up, but I never actively played with them using my imagination or making up plots ect

I've given up on buying DD toys tbh 😅 ( unless she asks but that's rare )

Christmas feels a little odd this year as DS9 has lots of fun toys he will really enjoy whereas DD's gifts are a photo printer, badges she collects and crafty sort of things, nothing I'd properly class as a toy

Edited posted too soon

DD enjoys crafts by herself, bead making ect, badge making, baking, decorating cookies ect..... she can do these either by herself or with another person but she prefers by herself most of the time. I've got her a pottery wheel for Christmas I'm hoping she will enjoy that. Would your child do crafts by themselves?

Unfortunately this is common, it’s not limited to those with autism either - younger toddlers are played with or given screens rather than being left to develop the skills to entertain themselves. We run a toddler group at work and I observe this is half of the kids at least, we’ve actually had to step in and stay that dc shouldn’t be given devices at our venue and parents should only use theirs in emergency (fine to take a short call from whoever but no general chatting on phones and no playing games, tic tok scrolling etc) it has helped a bit

I know it sounds terrible but I used youtube there are people on there who play with toys and my youngest autistic son would parallel play with them while I cooked cleaned etc

By the way, by 9 mine wanted crafts, computer related stuff, a phone (didn’t get) etc. my autistic dd had a telescope though

My ds is 10 and autistic he has never done any imaginative play. As a toddler he liked light up/noise toys where you press a button or lining up cars. Same with trampoline and climbing frame he loved it but wanted us (no siblings) to go on with him.
we went out a lot when he was little as he would do soft play or a park but he’s less interested now. He loves board games, reading, puzzles but wants it to be a shared activity. The only things he’s happy to do alone are devices/tv, solitaire card game and a game called kanoodle. But even then he will often want to talk while he’s doing it.
We tend to have structured device time at times when we are wanting to cook/do jobs as that’s when we get a bit of a break.

My dd will often do an activity if she also has the tv on or music on. She did play as a child but always preferred input from someone else. She’s waiting for assessment.