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Original poster

Pick me 7 year old

29 replies

FluentMintEagle · 14/12/2025 22:52

Hi everyone.

struggling with how to deal with my daughter and having trouble explaining what the problem is. Background she is 7 and she is very kind, lovely, sweet and very away with the fairies.

However when it comes to school I feel like recently she’s become a bit obsessed with being popular/cool and is the kind of girl who will seek validation from others. I’m having trouble actually putting it into words but I think this is the best way to explain it, I am 34 and she is my first oldest girl (I have a boy who’s a year older and another 8mo girl) but I personally don’t care too much what people think of me, I also seek no validation to be liked by anyone however I do get on with a lot of people. She seems somewhat the opposite. She’s becoming obsessed with what she looks like and what she wears etc. I love the fact she’s a girly girl as am I but I don’t want looks or having the ‘cool’ things to define her, she’s so much more than that.

When I was at school I was popular, I had a lot of friends and generally liked school. Now I watch her with her friends and hear stuff she tells me and I think she tries far too hard to be liked or to be funny etc. It kind of irritates me because I want her to be herself and make her own choices and not do things to please others or for them to think she is ‘cool’. I’m new to this mum stuff with girls and this is the first time I’ve felt really lost with how to deal with this stuff. I do want to try and address it before she loses herself more.

Is this just her age? Do all girls go through this part where they find themselves and their groups? She doesn’t have a specific friendship group she sort of floats between people and the rest of them seem to have settled into groups now.

if you’ve got through this and are a mum to a girl (or boy) and have any experiences similar or advice for me I would massively appreciate it. I don’t think I’ve done a great job on getting down what I’m trying to say but I’m 8 months post partum and my brain still isn’t working properly I hope you can understand what h mean. Thanks for reading.

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Littlebuddh · 15/12/2025 00:49

She`s just a child and to me coming out of the toddler years.
I think a lot of girls and boys go though this stage, till they find there little group.
Then on to the netx stage friend break ups, then to on to the netx stage,then in the teen years.
I mean we all goes through these stages, im not who i was when i was in my 20s im not even close to who i was in my early 30s if that makes any sence.
I really wouldnt take much notice of it right now, just nod and smile yes dear etc.

Im sure someone will pop on soon and and give you some better advice.
Your doing a great job as a mum,just take a step back a little step, and leave the play ground stuff to her, its the best way for her to learn and to grow.

BauhausOfEliott · 15/12/2025 01:36

You say you want her to ‘be herself’… but everything you’ve said suggests that you actually want her to be like you.

She isn’t you. She has her own personality. If she is someone who wants to be liked and to fit in, that’s just the person she is. Is she really ‘losing herself’ or is she just branching out and finding her own way?

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 15/12/2025 01:38

She's 7. Don't analyse her so much.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

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BustyNatalie · 15/12/2025 01:43

I wouldn't worry aboutit too much... it might be best to just let her figure it out. there's a lot of learning to be had by trying things out and seeing how it goes

Starocean · 15/12/2025 06:53

I agree that she's 7. You are expecting far too much of her. I don't think I became comfortable with myself until about 25. It's easier to be comfortable with yourself as an adult anyway because you usually have your life sorted anyway and have less to prove, noone to impress anymore.

roosian · 15/12/2025 07:32

I think if you want a confident child you will need to do all you can to build it in her. So don’t look at all the negatives, find stuff to praise and make sure you are validating her.

verycloakanddaggers · 15/12/2025 07:37

You're over analysing, and projecting, and comparing a 7yo to your older/adult self.

You don't really know what you were like at her age, childhood memories are unreliable snippets viewed from a distance.

Give her some space, focus on her positives, make her feel supported, enjoy watching her grow into her own personality.

Isadora2007 · 15/12/2025 07:39

Just build up her confidence and self worth at home. Start to let her make decisions and help you so she can believe in herself. Find some positive story books or look at doing some growth mindset stuff at home and then just chat to her on the walk home or drive to brownies etc and if stuff about friendship comes up perhaps try to help her to see that being herself is good enough and she doesn’t need to change to fit with others.
I say to my children that if a friend makes you feel like you should be a different person or do things you wouldn’t normally, then maybe they’re not the friend for you. We talk about choices and how we have our little inner voice that helps us remember good choices- and if that voice gets overridden by friends and they make bad choices then that isn’t a good friend because a good friend wants what’s best for you….

schoolfriend · 15/12/2025 07:43

If her behaviour is driven out of insecurity, all you can do is build her up every chance you get. Mainly though, I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s going to be different to you and she’ll have to find her way in life. All you can do is support her.

WeAreNotSure · 15/12/2025 07:47

Does she have any good hobbies? A sport she does, music or Brownies, scouts? time, it's the kids with a good amount of hobbies and a happy and supportive home life with a greta sense of belonging at home who walk their own path. Other than that girls are programmed to want to fit in at certain ages, they do grow out of it.

You sound negative and annoyed and describe yourself as popular / 'a girly girl' is she insecure because of you? If she feel judged by her mother, she WILL develop a deep lifelong complex.

Does she have access to smart phone? iPad with access to social media media or messaging? That also problematic.

Janefx40 · 15/12/2025 07:57

This is tricky. I also have a 7 year old girl who can be somewhat similar. I totally agree with the others about accepting who she is, building her confidence and not worrying. I do think this is normal for a lot of girls…they are definitely at an age where they are working out relationships and friends, best friends and groups are a bit of a focus.

I personally am a bit careful what my DD watches on TV. I avoid the American cartoons like monster high and (one of the) Barbie that (although they ultimately have positive messages) reinforce the concept of the popular girls. There is that American thing about the cool, mean group and although they always get their comeuppance, my DD just sees the pretty girls and thinks that’s cool. There is a lot of that messaging on TV so I try to avoid it and I do gently call it out if we do see it.

I also just gently reinforce the benefit of being friends with everyone, being kind to everyone etc.

hopefully that will go in a bit but otherwise there’s not much you can do and as others say, build her confidence and I’m sure she’ll be fine with such a caring, thoughtful Mum!!

EasternStandard · 15/12/2025 08:03

Are you sure she’s trying too hard as you’ve put it? It does sound a bit negative about her. Maybe it’s just how she is.

Depends on the extent of the cool thing stuff but some social stuff can be normal I think, in terms of wanting nice things and caring about that. Hard to know if it’s too much of this or not.

WeAreNotSure · 15/12/2025 08:44

Janefx40 · 15/12/2025 07:57

This is tricky. I also have a 7 year old girl who can be somewhat similar. I totally agree with the others about accepting who she is, building her confidence and not worrying. I do think this is normal for a lot of girls…they are definitely at an age where they are working out relationships and friends, best friends and groups are a bit of a focus.

I personally am a bit careful what my DD watches on TV. I avoid the American cartoons like monster high and (one of the) Barbie that (although they ultimately have positive messages) reinforce the concept of the popular girls. There is that American thing about the cool, mean group and although they always get their comeuppance, my DD just sees the pretty girls and thinks that’s cool. There is a lot of that messaging on TV so I try to avoid it and I do gently call it out if we do see it.

I also just gently reinforce the benefit of being friends with everyone, being kind to everyone etc.

hopefully that will go in a bit but otherwise there’s not much you can do and as others say, build her confidence and I’m sure she’ll be fine with such a caring, thoughtful Mum!!

I also just gently reinforce the benefit of being friends with everyone, being kind to everyone etc.
Really? Friends with everyone? Kind to everyone? Polite to everyone (yes 100%) but how can you be friends with everyone? Isn't friendship personal choice?

Editing to add
Calling your 7 year old a pick me is not very nice

YellowCherry · 15/12/2025 08:53

I totally get you OP. I am the kind of person who doesn't really care what other people think of me, I am just myself and don't need to try and be anything else. I have lots of friends and it doesn't bother me at all if someone doesn't seem to like me.

It has been surprising for me to parent a daughter who's not really like me. She's more into her looks and more worried about what people think of her. It's perhaps partly due to modern society (social media etc), but I think also partly just a personality thing.

My DD is 18 now, so I don't necessarily agree with the posters who say it's a phase (although it may be for some girls).

Try not to get frustrated about it. We're all different, and I think a really important part of being a parent is learning to parent the child we have, not the child we expected.

Original poster
FluentMintEagle · 15/12/2025 18:47

BauhausOfEliott · 15/12/2025 01:36

You say you want her to ‘be herself’… but everything you’ve said suggests that you actually want her to be like you.

She isn’t you. She has her own personality. If she is someone who wants to be liked and to fit in, that’s just the person she is. Is she really ‘losing herself’ or is she just branching out and finding her own way?

Hi, I really don’t want her to be like me, I want her to be happy and I feel like being happy you have a set level of self confidence in your own decisions and I don’t always think she has that. I think I’ve done a bad job explaining it but I really just wanted advice on how to boost her self esteem and re assurance from other mums that some of this is normal while she grows up. I do hope she is branching out and finding her own way.

OP posts:
Original poster
FluentMintEagle · 15/12/2025 18:51

WeAreNotSure · 15/12/2025 08:44

I also just gently reinforce the benefit of being friends with everyone, being kind to everyone etc.
Really? Friends with everyone? Kind to everyone? Polite to everyone (yes 100%) but how can you be friends with everyone? Isn't friendship personal choice?

Editing to add
Calling your 7 year old a pick me is not very nice

Edited
Show quote history

Yeah I did a really didn’t do a great job explaining it I was just trying to put into words something I needed advice about. Pick me is harsh I just don’t want her seeking others validation ever when she is such a lovely girl and I love her so much sometimes when girls are a bit mean to her I want to sort of say ‘in better words ‘stop caring about what others think’ does that make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
FluentMintEagle · 15/12/2025 18:56

YellowCherry · 15/12/2025 08:53

I totally get you OP. I am the kind of person who doesn't really care what other people think of me, I am just myself and don't need to try and be anything else. I have lots of friends and it doesn't bother me at all if someone doesn't seem to like me.

It has been surprising for me to parent a daughter who's not really like me. She's more into her looks and more worried about what people think of her. It's perhaps partly due to modern society (social media etc), but I think also partly just a personality thing.

My DD is 18 now, so I don't necessarily agree with the posters who say it's a phase (although it may be for some girls).

Try not to get frustrated about it. We're all different, and I think a really important part of being a parent is learning to parent the child we have, not the child we expected.

Thanks for the supportive message. I’m glad you get me because I think I’ve come across as a mean mum and I love my kids more than anything. When she was young she didn’t seem to care what anyone thought of her (as many kids don’t( and the older she’s getting it’s like a little bit sad that she worries about what others think, stuff that is obviously very important to her. So I don’t ever want to shut her down but I also want to work on making sure she knows she’s good enough, it’s a tough world out there for a girl. It’s just something I’ve been noticing and thought maybe some people would have some helpful opinions on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FluentMintEagle · 15/12/2025 19:10

WeAreNotSure · 15/12/2025 07:47

Does she have any good hobbies? A sport she does, music or Brownies, scouts? time, it's the kids with a good amount of hobbies and a happy and supportive home life with a greta sense of belonging at home who walk their own path. Other than that girls are programmed to want to fit in at certain ages, they do grow out of it.

You sound negative and annoyed and describe yourself as popular / 'a girly girl' is she insecure because of you? If she feel judged by her mother, she WILL develop a deep lifelong complex.

Does she have access to smart phone? iPad with access to social media media or messaging? That also problematic.

She has gymnastics outside of school and swimming lessons. I bloody hope not I would be beside myself if she felt like that because of me I really don’t see myself as that type of mum. I really just want her to feel happy and confident just as she is. She’s started juniors this year and I’ve just seen a bit of a change in her stuff she never used to care about she seems to bother her now. Girls can be a bit mean and it’s starting young, she’s definitely had a fair few incidents where girls have said some not so nice things to her and I was thinking maybe that had knocked her confidence. Obviously she’s getting older now and there will be changes in her, I just loved it when she was younger so full of confidence and didn’t care what people thought of her and now she seems very sensitive about a lot of things and I was kind of thinking I don’t want her to lose that. She has no access to phones, she does have an iPad but isn’t allowed on Roblox or YouTube or any socials.

OP posts:
Original poster
FluentMintEagle · 15/12/2025 19:13

Littlebuddh · 15/12/2025 00:49

She`s just a child and to me coming out of the toddler years.
I think a lot of girls and boys go though this stage, till they find there little group.
Then on to the netx stage friend break ups, then to on to the netx stage,then in the teen years.
I mean we all goes through these stages, im not who i was when i was in my 20s im not even close to who i was in my early 30s if that makes any sence.
I really wouldnt take much notice of it right now, just nod and smile yes dear etc.

Im sure someone will pop on soon and and give you some better advice.
Your doing a great job as a mum,just take a step back a little step, and leave the play ground stuff to her, its the best way for her to learn and to grow.

Thanks for this kind message. That’s true I do remember going through different friends especially in changing schools.

OP posts:
OneAmberPombear · 15/12/2025 19:16

What’s her relationship like with her dad? Is he in the scene, interested, supportive, available to her? Is she the apple of his eye? If any of that is missing it can have a huge effect on girls.

Original poster
FluentMintEagle · 15/12/2025 19:18

EasternStandard · 15/12/2025 08:03

Are you sure she’s trying too hard as you’ve put it? It does sound a bit negative about her. Maybe it’s just how she is.

Depends on the extent of the cool thing stuff but some social stuff can be normal I think, in terms of wanting nice things and caring about that. Hard to know if it’s too much of this or not.

No maybe she isn’t this is my first experience with a girl and I don’t have many people to ask so maybe it really is just normal behaviour and she’s just growing up a bit now.

OP posts:
Prelim · 15/12/2025 19:21

“I love the fact she’s a girly girl”

This stands out to me. Why do you want her to be a girly girl? Maybe it’s this underlying pressure for her to be like you and be praised for looks and how she dresses in a feminine way that’s shaping her behaviour now?

Original poster
FluentMintEagle · 15/12/2025 19:22

OneAmberPombear · 15/12/2025 19:16

What’s her relationship like with her dad? Is he in the scene, interested, supportive, available to her? Is she the apple of his eye? If any of that is missing it can have a huge effect on girls.

So me and her dad have been together for years and live together, she is a real daddies girl as she was the first girl after 3 boys (2 step brothers) and he massively dotes on her. Although 8 months ago we had another girl and I know that was a lot on her not because of the baby being a girl but the added stuff of having another baby is a lot sometimes.

OP posts:
OneAmberPombear · 15/12/2025 19:25

She so has there been a change in behaviour since the new baby? Does she get enough one to one time with you both? I think it’s worth considering what emotional needs she might be trying to get met by the behaviour and seeing what you can do to meet those needs better at home.

TessSaysYes · 15/12/2025 19:26

It sounds more like a you problem than a her problem, and probably isn't a problem in any case. You ve sort of decided who you are, pigeon holed yourself, and by extention you re pigeon holing your DD as a pick me. Honestly I wonder are you over thinking all this too much. It sounds like your girl is flourishing.