Older parents giving up driving

[iCod]

My mum is 88 and accepts that she needs to give up driving and certainly isn't going to carry on for much longer but we've just been round to her place and she had reversed her automatic car but couldn't get it to go forward and we think she's actually just forgotten how to drive. Very aware of potential danger et cetera et cetera. We don't want to just take the keys off her but she is talking a good game rather than doing it. Could easily exist on taxis et cetera

She doesn't drive at night she doesn't drive distances, but she is a risk. Interested in your stories about how it all pans out.

DH was lucky his mum's gear box went. Old car. It went to the garage who found lots expensive faults so it was a write off. She decided not to get another one. There were dinks the guy at the garage said.

He smashes his massive car up regularly- and cannot feel his feet due to diabetes- he also uses a walker and seems to be cementing. He has no peripheral vision.
we are all absolutely gutted he got it back. He is unsafe. I reported him so they would stop him (after his multiple strokes etc) I genuinely have zero idea how he passed.

An elderly woman in Edinburgh, 89, reversed instead of going forward. She killed a child in a pushchair.
So yes, take the keys away.

A family friend was killed by (coincidentally) an 88 year old driver some years back. She was unsafe to be driving. He was a fit and healthy 55 year old out running. Take those keys.

What's the size of the vehicle got to do with it? A car is a car. It's still a set of wheels connected to an engine. I'm much more wary of smaller cars as they're nippy and can zip round corners much faster than a larger car can. He does sound like a massive liability, though, but the state deemed him fit and safe to drive.

It's possible there was some sucking up involved, not quite bribery. The older generation can get rather feisty when their freedom is threatened.

What's the size of the vehicle got to do with it? @YorkshireGoldDrinker Quite a lot I'd say when it goes hammering into you. The big Audi that hit me whilst being driven by a very elderly person was a powerful car. It wrote my car off and deployed both air bags in my car whilst the Audi airbags did not go off. Imagine what it could have done to a pedestrian?

some people haven't got close relationships with their parents, some people can't imagine their parents at an older stage in life. Don't let them upset you.

its an incredibly hard thing to do to someone you love.

So either the impact wasn't strong enough for the airbags to deploy in the Audi, or there is a major safety recall in the pipeline for that particular Audi. I'm sorry that happened to you.

"Imagine what it could have done to a pedestrian?"

A lot, although that doesn't negate the size of the vehicle, big or small. My point is that any vehicle can cause death and having a smaller car doesn't automatically make it safer than a larger car.

I agree with all of this. For my DF driving was his last vestige of independence, his opportunity to get away for a little bit from bed bound DM who is losing her ability to speak and empathy so mostly just barks orders these days. I was also reluctant because as only DC guess who gets to add driving DF to all his errands to my already overflowing list of things to do every time I go up and so indeed it has worked out.

Plus and most importantly it’s effectively swapping the parent/child relationship round. I knew if I had broached it DF would have been very angry and as he has always been shouty I find it upsetting and like to avoid it. I know my discomfort and additional duties are nothing compared to welfare of hypothetical DCs, but sometimes when you’re effectively running two households and managing the physical welfare of elderly people it’s hard to do the right thing on all occasions.

As I have said many times it would be perfectly easy to have a computer based test at the opticians to check reflexes which would avoid all these issues.

Show her this 😭

https://www.google.com/search?q=elderly+driver+killed+toddler+edinburgh&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

Woman, 91, who killed toddler should not have been driving - inquiry https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx252v6l60lo

My mother convinced herself she was a good driver and went around telling people this. She wasn't. She had numerous prangs which my sister and I were never told about but it's a small town and people would tell us anyway. She scoffed at her friend for giving up at about 80 claiming that it made her a superior driver.

FiL was the same. He'd always said he'd know when it was time to stop driving but he didn't. Neighbours told us about him driving around the village 10mph and doing a 20 point turn to get out of a space. My SiL eventually hid the keys because he just wouldn't stop.

Slightly different but I sat a speed awareness course a while back. One of the scenarios was about how many people are affected by a crash. Not just you or the people you hit the ripples go far and wide from attending medical personnel to your grandkids losing their grandparent to prison etc. It was eye opening. At the moment I take sedative medication at night, I don't drive once taken it and not first thing in the morning. The above I learned from the course stays with me.

I think some elderly people are terrified of having their licences taken away as its the one thing they feel that they have control over. I see far too many in our doctors surgery who take 10+ attempts to reverse out of a space, can't physically look over the shoulder or put a steering wheel on full lock.

My dad is in (clearly) the early stages of dementia, with the GPs knowledge he is still driving short familiar journeys when my mum is in the car. and is awaiting a memory clinic assessment. Really hoping he comes to the conclusion himself to stop driving - this is made worse by the fact that for 30 years his job involved teaching driving skills to other

I think the effects of prescribed medications are underestimated which can happen at any age. GP gave me something once. The side effect I discovered was I couldn't judge distances as in parallel parking. Tapped a bin outside the newsagents. Scared me. I drove home, threw the pills after reading the leaflet.

I've recently had a new hip, got a lot of painkillers. Codeine has a very peculiar effect on me. I was on a cocktail for a couple of weeks. I wouldn't have driven.

Report her to the DVLA. The. At least you e done something. I couldn’t live with myself if my mother had killed someone.

That is such an awful position to be in but sadly if it is Dementia, your DF simply won’t remember that he is having trouble and is therefore unlikely to come to the conclusion himself. It’s a bit like when a Care Needs Assessment is done and the person wirh Dementia insists all is fine and they don’t need carers because in their mind all is fine. That doesn’t help you or your DM though

I actually came back to the thread as there was a story this week of a Woman being involved in a hit and run who died shortly after. An 86 year old man has been arrested. I can imagine this is rare but both families must be absolutely devastated.

Yes. We've decided to just say no.

As tough as it is, at least you’ll never regret doing so. I fully appreciate how tricky the situations is. You know you’ve done the right thing though, so don’t feel bad.

I would love it if everyone (definitely including myself) had a 5 or 10 year refresher driving lesson. Rules and cars change, as do driving habits of everyone.