Older parents giving up driving

[iCod]

My mum is 88 and accepts that she needs to give up driving and certainly isn't going to carry on for much longer but we've just been round to her place and she had reversed her automatic car but couldn't get it to go forward and we think she's actually just forgotten how to drive. Very aware of potential danger et cetera et cetera. We don't want to just take the keys off her but she is talking a good game rather than doing it. Could easily exist on taxis et cetera

She doesn't drive at night she doesn't drive distances, but she is a risk. Interested in your stories about how it all pans out.

Exactly @BlackusCattus!! Same

Gosh thanks everyone. You're really kind. X

My MIL is late 80s, only drives to a few select places, all journeys less than two miles, won’t drive in the dark.
Asked my DH to get satnav set up in the car so she could go to more places. He said no thought it would be distracting for her and perhaps given her very low miles swap to taxis. My SIL set it up on one of her rare visits MIL found it distracting
She has not used it to go anywhere new. Last week clipped a kerb then reversed into a car whilst trying to correct her angle. Police took her licence temporarily. She has already said she won’t repeat a test if they want her to. What a sad end to a long unblemished driving career.

I am blind and was hit by an 85 year old driver who shouldn’t have been driving. It broke my pelvis. Please just take the keys off her it’s not worth the risk.

I think I would just be taking her keys at this point, but it is hard. Or just take the batteries out “oh dear, the keys are not working, shall I take them to get them fixed for you?”

I feel for you, it's a very difficult situation. My mum is 88 and still drives almost everywhere. She has stopped driving long distance to unknown places but happily drives to see relatives a couple of hours away, drives at night etc.

She is incredibly independent, runs her own large home and garden and doesn't take kindly to anyone telling her to do anything. She scraped the corner of her car on a bollard recently while reversing and said anyone could do it, which is true.

I just hope that when the time comes she realises on her own, rather than having to be told. When you've been driving for over 70 years it must be extraordinarily difficult to give it up and lose your independence.

That’s horrific @Summerunlover. I’m so sorry that happened to you

My mum was 2 days shy of her 95th birthday when she finally stopped. I had previously tried to persuade her on numerous occasions to give up but the combination of a very bad back, no bus stop nearby and an absolute refusal to spend money on taxis meant she was having none of it.
Eventually she drove to church with a flat tyre and then managed to bump along the offside of 4 parked cars because her steering wasn’t working properly, thereby writing off her car. I lied through my teeth and said her insurance wouldn’t reinsure her and the police were going to report her to DVLA and that was that. She was miserable, she stopped going out unless I could take her and hated the loss of her freedom and independence but it was essential and I should have insisted at least 3 years earlier.
I’m crossing everything that driverless cars are going to save me from the same fate.

It’s one of those situations where we children become the parent, take the keys, but also make sure she has either taxi apps (if she uses a smartphone proficiently) or if there’s reliable local taxi firms, telephone numbers clearly written down and in any mobile phone plus if possible an account with the company (not all do this but my local one does for families in your situation). Also make sure her bus pass is in date and she has up to date timetables printed as required. It is a symbolic loss of independence but doesn’t have to be and can save money too, cars are expensive to run. Our local firm even has a “trips out” package for people where the driver collects them about 9.30am and drops them home by 2.30pm taking them wherever they want up to x miles (fits around the school contract the firm has) very popular to get to countryside places, garden centre etc, being semi rural being carless here needs planning!

@iCod good luck. It’s really difficult to have these conversations and the feeling of making someone give up their independence doesn’t feel great either.

Hopefully things will go well and your mother will be reasonable.

We reported my mum to an optician. The bangs on her car were getting bigger and I wasn't willing to wait until she killed a child. Optician wrote to the DVLA who revoked mums licence and we got the car moved immediately so that she couldn't try and drive it. She hated us for it but better that than causing a fatality. My dad then had a minor altercation with a skip lorry, so we flatly refused to facilitate repairs and had the car scrapped. He gave up his licence as he realised for himself it wasn't safe and used a mobility scooter instead. It's a difficult conversation but when it becomes evident they are putting others at risk then it has to be done.

A car getting stuck in reverse @iCod? Sounds dangerous. I think you should arrange for a garage to take it away and give it a lengthy service. It may be beyond economic repair (by the end of January) or your Mum may find the alternatives more convenient and less tiring by then.

Please, please stop her driving. I remember an elderly driver mounting the pavement and killing a teenager quite vividly. They shouldn't have been driving. I personally couldn't have it on my conscience, if you know, you know.

What's the worst case scenario for you taking her keys away? Vs the worst case scenario of her killing someone else or herself?

She can't drive, it's clearly unsafe. Take the keys, have the difficult discussion and disconnect the battery in case she has a spare.

We had this with my dad, he’d just drive over islands and junctions without stopping 😬 luckily my mum and I convinced him together he really wasn’t safe on the roads anymore. My mum gave up driving herself when her health just became too bad, and they just used buses and taxis from then on. It’s hard for people to accept they’re not safe, competent drivers anymore. You have my sympathy.

If the state has deemed him fit and safe to drive, what's the problem?

Take away the keys. My grandmother’s husband needed his children to do this. I remember being in the car with him when he mounted a pavement, nearly knocked down a cyclist and bumped into the wall while parking, and that was ‘only’ a short journey to the local shops. He could seriously have killed someone. You have to be firm, now, before an accident happens. My grandmother also needed a talking to when it was obvious her car was covered in dents and scrapes. They were comfortable enough to afford taxis so making an account with a local taxi service was presented as a luxury rather than an admonishment.

It isn’t pleasant being in the situation that you’re in and I can sympathise. I think you’ve already been suggested lots of strategies already in how to deal with the situation.

Two other things I’d recommend are heading on other to the Elderly Parents Section, there are lots of supportive MNers on there and also reading the book Twilight Shepherd by John . This is a good guide for navigating these little difficulties that crop up as our DParents age.

I know it's difficult. If she won't stop then you need to take the keys.

My dad is 77 with heart issues and could be stopped from driving. He was in hospital this year, 3 weeks in Jan, 3 weeks in Sep. Each time they said he might have to stop and he got annoyed.

I just said to him, how would you feel if had an episode at the wheel and killed a child, a teenager, anyone?. How would you feel if you were driving and crashed and killed mum or somebody else. You can't tell him what to do, so just have to make him see the sense of why we are taking the keys away.

He knows that the day is coming, but obviously doesn't want to lose his independence. As they live rurally they would literally be trapped. There is no bus or taxi nearby.

When my mum went like this (dementia), we took the keys and then sold her car. It was the safest thing for her (she would forget how to drive, forget how to get home, etc, it was so worrying), and for others. She wasn’t happy, but she forgot pretty quickly that she even had a car, and I stand by the decision difficult though it was. We have a responsibility not to let someone we know to be impaired get behind the wheel, imo.

Funnily enough, not fifteen minutes after posting on here, I was at a roundabout near the end of my road. A visibly very elderly man shot straight across in front of me at a speed well in excess of 30mph and clearly hadn't seen or noticed any other car at the roundabout or the pedestrian who nearly stepped out in front of him.

I only got the first 4 digits of the number plate but I'll be keeping an eye out for him in future.

We also live near a number of churches and it's extremely noticeable on Sundays that many of the congregation going there or to the local pub for a carvery are elderly people who only drive on Sundays or similar - you take your life in your hands round here when they are all coming and going....

Last month it was an elderly driver hitting the wrong pedal on exiting the pub car park and -he shot straight through the wall of a house across the road. As I understand it he failed the roadside assessment of his eyesight and will have his licence revoked.

I do hope the GP didn't mean something like Thelma & Louise...😯

My God still driving at 88. That sounds a disaster waiting to happen.

Take the keys before she ends having a accident and killing someone or herself.

My mother refused to give up at 87. My sister asked the GP about it and he said there was nothing he could do.

Somebody reported friend's dad to the police for making a hash of driving around the town so they visited him anx told him to hand his licence in.