Older parents giving up driving

[iCod]

My mum is 88 and accepts that she needs to give up driving and certainly isn't going to carry on for much longer but we've just been round to her place and she had reversed her automatic car but couldn't get it to go forward and we think she's actually just forgotten how to drive. Very aware of potential danger et cetera et cetera. We don't want to just take the keys off her but she is talking a good game rather than doing it. Could easily exist on taxis et cetera

She doesn't drive at night she doesn't drive distances, but she is a risk. Interested in your stories about how it all pans out.

I am assuming @somanychristmaslights and @dailyconniptions have not have to actually do this themselves.
Of course on MN old people cease to be relevant as soon as they are no use for babysitting i find.

The thing is whilst that sounds reasonable if you are dealing with a stubborn person they simply dont believe you. It took the DVLA intervening to stop 90 FIL from driving.

I'm reassured that my mum isn't stubborn and she admits that she needs to do it. She said this morning "for some reason I said Christmas but that's totally arbitrary and I don't know why I've said that". So it definitely could be worse, she's a caring aware person I just need to actually get from talking about it to doing it.

Do you know what though, this thread is like (sorry to say I know it will annoy half of you and the subReddit) like old style Mumsnet

I agree with this. We do pussy foot around old people sometimes. There are plenty of 15-year-old able to drive but can't because it's against the law. Old people should be no different. An age should be set at say 80, beyond which it is illegal to drive.
I know some would be safe to drive beyond that ( and some would not be safe by then, but a cut-off age would catch all older drivers.

I had to take my Dad’s keys away, it wasn’t pleasant but it was the right thing to do.

It’s easy if you know it’s the right thing for their safety and others. I don’t know if it’s out of love, fear or respect but she’s your mother. If anyone should be able to tell her the potential dangers of not handing over the keys, it’s you.

My ex’s grandmother drove until she was ninety - her car was known as “The Yellow Peril”, such was the erratic nature of her driving. She once drive ex and me to the station - white knuckle ride wasn’t in it. She steadfastly refused to give up until one day she drove straight into the side of a lorry. Fortunately this shook her up sufficiently that she decided to stop driving. I was profoundly relieved - I had been saying for some time that she was a danger on the roads, and although my MIL agreed, (it was FIL’s DM) no-one would do anything about it.

There may not be somewhere between the two options. Because nothing effective happened with the 88 year old who crashed into me last month to stop him from driving I am still uncomfortable/ in pain and have all of the hassle of finding another car when I actually loved the one he wrote off and planned to keep it for another two years. Yes, you have a real person in front of you but I'm a real person too and he could have had a much worse accident. People need to act when elderly people are clearly unsafe to drive. Every day she's driving is a day that an accident could happen on..

It’s horrible having to take away your DPs independence. I had literally just put in an anonymous report to the DVLA as the gardener said he had reversed into his van three times when the decision was taken out of our hands as DF had an episode of extreme confusion that got him hospitalised and was told ( after much prompting from DH and I) to stop driving.

I would please ask any of you see an elderly person driving dangerously to report it to the DVLA rather than leaving all the responsibility with their beleaguered DCs. I always say this on these threads but it would be reasonably easy and cheap to introduce a reflex test at the same time as eye testing which would resolve a lot of the issues.

It's very very difficult. Is there a third party who would take the blame for "stopping her" from driving?
Otherwise, report her or get a friend to do so.

Ask if you can sell the car on her behalf, or ask if you could buy it from her.

Yes you're right.
thanks.

My Dad reported my grandad when he was 78, and he was made to take a test.
He passed much to our disbelief, but after about 6 weeks my Dad took away his keys after following him one afternoon on a journey in secret.

A kind policeman went round to my grandad and talked to him about the safety of driving and how he really isn’t safe anymore and would be mortified if he ever had an accident or hurt anyone.

the policeman said he’d seen grandad driving erratically and looked up his address details to pay him the cost however it was a neighbours son who was a policeman and we asked him to visit.

it was done very gracefully and indeed grandad gave up his keys straight away.

Come and join us on The Cockroach Cafe in Elderly Parents if you want a nice supportive thread for general caring gripes.

My Dad, luckily, told me he wanted to stop but was scared of losing his ability to go shopping, visit my brother, etc Luckily that made it easier to discuss.

I said, I agreed with him and was proud he could make that sensible decision. Then lets work out a plan on how you can still do the things you want to. We ended up with a mix of walking to shop (twice a week), home deliveries (which i helped with), walking to his interest group (friends there dropped him home), we found a local home collection bus which he used to visit my brother.

Maybe shes just scared of what she doesnt know?

I reported my elderly neighbour last summer.... She's about 80 although her age changes every time she tells me.

Her car had so many dings on it and every one was someone else's fault. A tree appears from nowhere, a car was parked badly (two buses can pass one another on that road adjacent to a row of parked cars), kerbs have got so high now.... Never her own fault.

After she nearly hit me when leaving the GP surgery on the wrong side of the road, I put the report in. So did a couple of other neighbours. She finally had her licence revoked, after having various tests via Specsavers (I'm not sure if there was anything else, that's the only one she's admitted to) but it did take months and she's now on the hunt for the "cruel, nasty person" who did it 😬.

Google Poppy Arabella-Clarke. She would be in year 8 now. Instead, she never started school due to a selfish driver who wasn’t even particularly elderly. He got 4 years in prison.

I appreciate your mother’s eyesight isn’t bad OP but the principle remains.

I was told I'd be taking away my mother's independence if I told her to stop driving.
I replied that it was preferable to her taking away someone's life.

Oh you're all lovely. X

I'm sure you do do a lot for her.

but you can't have done what I suggested if you had yoyd have her car keys & her car would be sold or with another member of the family x

and I'm in NO way saying it's easy. But sadly needs must.

My grandad stopped driving in his 70's, he had a crash where thankfully no one was injured, except himself but not seriously. The car was written off. A few months later he was diagnosed with early dementia. I wouldn't have noticed at this stage, as didn't see him from day to day. He, rightly so, never drove again.

I was innocently and legally crossing at a pedestrian crossing when a driver in his 80's failed to see the red light and almost ran me over. He looked totally in shock, like I'd just appeared from thin air. He didn't see the red traffic light or me!

My late DF gave up his licence voluntarily when the optician diagnosed his macular degeneration and recommended it. As a family, we were amazed!
My late DH sat his father down and had a blunt conversation about his driving. FIL wasn't impressed at the time, but only carried on driving for another couple of weeks before giving up. The words just took a little while to filter through!

My DF has just had his driving licence renewed, I think he said for three years but I possibly misheard that and I'm not sure of the rules. He's 91, fgs. Drives a big, flashy car, too.

I don't live in the UK so my sibling who lives locally keeps a close eye and reckons DF is still safe to drive, he certainly has no cognitive difficulties and his reactions seem OK. I honestly think it'd be the end of DF if he has to stop as he'd feel he's lost his independence. At least I know my sibling will tell DF if he's no longer safe and DF will reluctantly accept it, but by God it's a worry.

We went through this when my mother declined cognitively

My brother had to "borrow" the keys and then "forget" to return them - even on her deathbed when she was incapable of getting in/out of bed without being hoisted by staff she kept asking for the keys as she "needed" to go for a drive...

We also had the situation of our car being hit with considerable force by a man with dementia. It was Christmas Eve and he "didn't see" our car (apparently) and made a rapid turn into the supermarket car park despite the queue of stationary traffic - the passenger door was completely buckled in and DD slightly hurt. Sorting it out took ages because he didn't remember doing it and never reported it to insurance. Only the threat of police intervention got his family involved to resolve it. But it could have been nasty if it had been a baby car seat.....