The way my mum phrases things

[mumquery]

My DS is a year old and i’m really starting to notice how negatively my mum phrases things when she speaks to or about him. When she visited in the week, she told him he was nosy, lazy and was ‘fake crying’ (he’s been feeling under the weather and definitely wasn’t faking anything - also, he’s a year old). He loves watching people (hence ‘nosy’) and doesn’t like getting dressed (‘lazy’).

Does anyone else have a parent like this? I’ve tried saying something along the lines of ‘yes, he’s really curious/interested isn’t he?’, but it doesn’t seem to get through. He understands a lot more than he can express and although I’m challenging mum’s choice of words in a way, I don’t know if I’m doing enough?

I personally have a really negative inner critic (in my head, i’m lazy, never good enough), and i wonder now if this is where that stems from? I maybe overthinking it, but I’ve read about our inner voices/critics developing from our parents’ words to and about us. I really don’t want DS to grow up like I did because I was so deeply unhappy and insecure, and I want to do everything I can to help him develop his sense of self properly.

What do you think?

I don’t think this is something you need to gently approach with her. I think this is something you can be direct about. I wouldn’t like this at all tbh. I would always say be direct, just in case it works. Then if not at least you know you’ve been upfront and tried and then I would reduce contact. This is what I’ve had to do unfortunately but it simply wasn’t an option for me for dd to experience even a fraction of what I did.
I did a lot of therapy after my dd was born to look at my own childhood, I think being a mum yourself really confronts you with certain things from your own childhood

Your parents sound quite damaging. Get help for yourself, as when your child gets older it is going to to bring all that stuff back and it isn’t fun. This is the beginning of the issue as you recognise it (well done!!) and as your son gets older it will only get more grating.

no one would call a one year old ‘lazy’ or ‘nosy’ - support yourself - good luck !

Thank you. I think I was also unhappy because I didn’t fit in at school or with peers, so it wasn’t exclusively my mum, but it’s quite a fundamental thing, isn’t it? I don’t remember ever feeling that I could go to her for a cuddle or reassurance or kind words, which feels very sad.

Thank you. This is going to be hard! I find her less scary now than I did as a child but still have this built-in fear of her reactions and of being the one in the wrong for pointing out her poor behaviour. I’m sorry you’ve been through it too. Totally agree that becoming a mum really confronts you with your own childhood stuff!

FWIW I don’t think things are going to get worse as your child gets older. I think in dealing with these issues now your mum will have less power over you and her attitudes will feel further removed from your family life. You may even come to a point where her comments hardly sting at all and you just have compassion for her.

Thank you. The thing about compassion - I really want to understand why she is like she is, and to accept her for how she is and know that she won’t change, but it’s also true that I want to protect my DS from her because I know her behaviour can be harmful. She does seem to love him in her own way (much more than I ever remember her loving me), she just can’t seem to help herself with the way she speaks (which is obviously also how she thinks and sees the world).

I think I’ve missed a memo somewhere on “nosey” being a hugely insulting thing to say.

Other than that, I agree her language is off, I wouldn’t like it and would correct it. Sharply rather than gently because there’s only one child/baby in this scenario and it isn’t her.

Clearly and directly tell her exactly what you don’t like her saying in the moment.

Thank you. I agree, nosey on its own isn’t that bad. It’s more that it’s part of a pattern of her behaviour and how negatively she sees things/people. DS is going to be forming his sense of self based on the world around him and the people in his life, and the nosey comment is part of my concerns about how my mum speaks to and about him

It’s a journey. But I think you’re making a good start.

I’d definitely read adult children of emotionally immature parents. You do know that as soon as you pull them up it will be “can’t say anything, you are so sensitive etc etc”. If that’s the case and you can’t train then then yes less contact. What I would say though is that as he’s not you and doesnt live with them full time, the impact will be less. Once I saw the light with my mum I felt so guilty about exposing my child to her but she is now a teenager and she’s none of the hang ups/ inner critic /people pleasing person I had to be. So you are right to tell your mum to rein it in but you can go into a bit of a spiral about the effect being the same as it was on you which isn’t always the case.

@mumquery totally get what you mean now. It’s the overarching negativity that you’ve noticed and is quite rightly, not something you’re comfortable with.

It is sad. And feeling safe and loved in your home impacts how you interact at school and out in the world. So it is linked.

Growing up, my mother was endlessly negative about everything and everybody. As she was my role model, I did the same. I now feel awful about some of the things I said when I was younger. I never called her out on it until I was much older as I thought that was how everybody's mother was.

I get lots of people say to me what a lovely man my dad was and how they'd enjoyed working with him etc. Not one single person has ever had a good comment about my mother.

I'd nip the negativity in the bud before she drags you down too OP as I found to my cost.

Thank you. I think I definitely need to be careful not to spiral!

I’m so sorry this affected you too. I remember repeating at school some (really awful) things my parents had said at home and absolutely cringe now whenever I think of it, so I get you. I like to think I’m a very different person now and DH says quite often that I’m different to my family, which is reassuring, but I do find that seeing them affects me for several days afterwards and I can ‘hear’ my mum’s voice when I speak almost.

There were a few people who knew us as a family when we were growing up who thought my mum was hard work or had fallen out with her. I wonder now if they could see through the ‘perfect family’ facade?

My dm was like this with both my sons. Actually she could go either way- either they could do no wrong when they had done something wrong, so if I told them off it would be 'come to nanny, mummy's being horrible, don't listen to her. Or it would be stop crying your just attention seeking. I never knew which 'nannny' she'd be. On reflection she was exactly the same with me as a child, no surprise I have a severe mental health condition and severe anxiety.

As it is my ds now 20 and 25 see her maybe once a year, even though we live in the same town, they just aren't interested. But she feels like she's been wronged, can't see what she's done wrong. (Doenst take a genius to work out that this is only a snapshot of what she was like!).

Stick up for your ds. Always show him mums in his corner and has his back.

@mumquery Thanks. If my mother's parenting model taught me anything, it was to do the complete opposite when I had my two.

She sounds awful. One of my SIL is similar and one of her grandsons said to her recently “ you don’t like me, do you, Grandma?”. He’s 6.

Mind I do think that some parents and grandparents over compensate now. There’s a happy medium between OP mother’s cruel attitude and gushing over the smallest thing. There’s then a big letdown when they encounter the Real World.

I think it can be difficult for people to understand if they’ve not experienced it
for example dm will say ‘oo they love their food don’t they’ and alone that sounds fine. But when you pair it with the fact that I know she sees eating as a moral failing, and she is disgusted by anyone who is above the low end of their bmi, suddenly that is a loaded comment. Equally when words like ‘nosey’ are used which at best is a neutral comment, and only heard amongst other negative comments it’s hard to not take it negatively. Your ds will be forming his sense of self, you don’t want that made up of words like nosey really. If she was more direct in her insults it would also be easier to call her out, it’s the fact they are in a grey area or passed off as a joke or harmless observation that makes them so difficult

Thank you. I totally know what you mean! It’s a pervasive kind of outlook really maybe? If we tell her we’ve been on a day out or bought a new top or seen a carnival etc etc etc, her response will usualy be ‘oh that’s different’, sometimes with a kind of grimace as well.

She does it so often that DH and I say it to each other as a joke now.

She seems to take no joy in things except at the expense of others, which I only realise since moving away and having some distance from her.

When I was at home, it was constant constant comments about people’s appearance on the telly, their hair, clothes, weight and so on. She actually seems to have very very low self esteem herself but really talks the talk so you wouldn’t know at first glance. It was a really damaging environment to grow up in, I think.

We’re doing everything we can to make sure DS grows up with love and playfulness. It won’t be like that all the time, obviously, and we’ll need boundaries and the serious stuff too, but I want the bottom line to be that he knows how much we love him.

This is so sad to read about your SIL’s grandson. Does she see him often?

Yes, equally I don’t want to go too far to the latter here either. It’s really important to me that he learns about empathy and consideration for others. But I also want to develop a healthy confidence in him and for him to know himself and know we’ll always have his back. He’s a brilliant little boy.

OP, be prepared for a lot of push back from your mum if she still sees you as a child who shouldn't question her behaviour.

I've had this from my mum and honestly, I've stopped arguing but just limit my communication or withdraw contact. She will never see my point of view. I had a lot of anxiety and insecurity growing up which I can see from my mum (also highly anxious and insecure but also very very negative). I never want that for my happy, confident little toddler. My child will always always come first so I know limiting contact when needed is the right thing to do.

Thank you, yes she definitely sees me as still a child and she’ll often still do ‘the glare’ that’s meant to scare us into submission. I still don’t like making eye contact with her to this day because of how piercing and scary her eyes were when I was little.

I’m really sorry you grew up this way too. I can definitely identify with what you say about being highly anxious and insecure - I never felt as though I fitted in, I worried about everything and everyone, as I got older I was jealous of other girls who were friends with my boyfriends etc. It’s such a sad way to grow up when you should be out having fun and enjoying being young - I feel that I never did enjoy being young because my mum hampered my development and self esteem, yet refuses to acknowledge it or that any of it is her doing in any way.

Children adopt the negative or positive explanatory style of their dominance carer. So you will almost certainly have this inner critic because of your mother. She will also transmit it to your son very quickly unless you nip this in the bud.

Thank you - this is something that’s really on my mind and has been since DS arrived, really.

The whole family tiptoes round my mum.

I had a C section and got an infection so cancelled an early (but not their first) visit, with mum’s sister who I never see (or hadn’t for years) and wasn’t comfortable seeing in a bit of a delicate state. They didn’t say they were sorry for how I was feeling, offer to rearrange, be genuinely supportive etc, I just received messages from both mum and dad saying ‘so disappointed.’ We’re meant to walk on these eggshells and not upset her.