The way my mum phrases things

[mumquery]

My DS is a year old and i’m really starting to notice how negatively my mum phrases things when she speaks to or about him. When she visited in the week, she told him he was nosy, lazy and was ‘fake crying’ (he’s been feeling under the weather and definitely wasn’t faking anything - also, he’s a year old). He loves watching people (hence ‘nosy’) and doesn’t like getting dressed (‘lazy’).

Does anyone else have a parent like this? I’ve tried saying something along the lines of ‘yes, he’s really curious/interested isn’t he?’, but it doesn’t seem to get through. He understands a lot more than he can express and although I’m challenging mum’s choice of words in a way, I don’t know if I’m doing enough?

I personally have a really negative inner critic (in my head, i’m lazy, never good enough), and i wonder now if this is where that stems from? I maybe overthinking it, but I’ve read about our inner voices/critics developing from our parents’ words to and about us. I really don’t want DS to grow up like I did because I was so deeply unhappy and insecure, and I want to do everything I can to help him develop his sense of self properly.

What do you think?

It sounds like you are already doing everything right by observing your dm’s language and challenging it gently. I don’t think you will give your ds a negative inner voice because you sound self aware. Your dm won’t have enough influence to impact him unless she does several days a week childcare or something like that. Unfortunately she is unlikely to change.

Thank you @vincettenoir that really means a lot. We probably see her every 2-3 weeks on average. I find her pretty difficult and being a mum myself now is making me question a lot about my upbringing

Keep questioning! I didn't, and the damage that resulted was utterly horrible. I thought it was me that was the problem, didn't realise the case was that it was her until my children were adults. If I had realised earlier that she was abusive, a lot of harm would not have been done.
Don't let your mother criticise your child or your parenting. Ever.
Withdraw every time.
If she starts to behave better, we'll then lucky you. If not, you have a difficult road ahead of you.
Try reading Lindsay C Graham.

I'd tackle it with her politely, but directly.

I'd say "Mum! Did you realise you just said he's lazy?! Obviously he can't be lazy, he's one! " or "Oh Mum, you said nosy when you meant interested/inquisitive! We're trying not using negative words like that with him. Don't want him ending up with an inner critic like I've got!".

I'd challenge and correct every time. To educate her and to show your son that you have his back.

I'd go as low contact as possible. Those are vile things to say to any child, but to a one-year-old? Absolutely batshit. She's not going to change and she's not going to be a positive person in your DC's life.

Yeah but my mum is Eastern European and that entire side of the family talks like that and is extremely negative, about everything. I find it difficult to be around them tbh. And yes, it has definitely affected me and I am trying hard not to do the same to my child.

Oh for heavens sake.
Instead of having a grown up conversation, you think just cutting her out is the way to go?

I bloody despair sometimes.

I hate this and when anyone says anything similar I call them out on it straight away. And because I'm a bitch, I don't do it gently either 🤨

When my “D”M started being like this, particularly with my DD, I was filled with rage. All of the times she had been completely awful to me came flooding back.

Do pull her up on it every time. I chose not to go no contact but I did change things so I visited her at her home.

When she started being horrible i would take the DC and go home. It did take a fair while for her to understand being horrible and negative meant not being around the DC very much though and she’s managed to reframe it that she didn’t see them much (I went at the very least once a week) because of me, not because of anything she had done.

I would question it until she stopped.
"He's 1 mum, what do you mean he's nosey? A one year old watching people isn't nosey."
Any more and "You need to stop this, your constant negativity ruins our time together"
... "I am not being negative just..."
"you should hear yourself, he's nosey, he's lazy, he's greedy what next? He's 1, 1 year old"
Stop her and if it's awkward, she made it awkward by not stopping and going on and on.

While normally I’d agree that posters recommend going no contact far too easily, in this case I find myself agreeing. As a grandmother of a one year old and a three year old, I could never picture myself talking about them or to them like this. If the poster’s mum behaved similarly to her, perhaps a conversation won’t be enough?

I suppose the best advice would be to have the conversation, give the OP’s mum the benefit of the doubt and see if things change. However, if they don’t, that should be that. Children don’t need such a negative and draining influence in their lives. Grandparents, from my own experience and from what I saw in the relationship between my children and their paternal and maternal grandparents, are the ones you can rely on to show you unconditional love, to have infinite patience with you, to have your back and always be a “safe haven”.

Hope things work out, @mumquery Your mum doesn’t know how lucky she is to have a grandchild/grandchildren. Out of curiosity, does she have other grandchildren, and if so, how does she speak to them?

Thank you all for your replies. I was sure I was overreacting, to be honest, so I was surprised (but reassured in a way?) to read everyone’s thoughts.

DS is the first/only grandchild and she’s super OTT saccharine (sp?) with him but also seems to find nothing wrong with using these words towards him. It genuinely seems to be how she thinks. I find it really shocking that she’s capable of seeing very young children as these negative things, and as manipulative (fake crying?), and presumably it’s how she saw and spoke to me too.

I’d pull her up on it nicely. If she complains, just tell her you/your DH are using positive reinforcement rather than negative things when they’re doing natural day to day things. Negative means bad and positive reinforcement is for good things and it’s really important to you.

I’ve been doing a lot of therapy recently and I’ve been taught about how to reframe things for a more positive outlook.

i agree with other posters that you are not overreacting.

Your mothers treatment of your son with all her negative words, has opened your eyes as to why you have such a negative inner critic. I think you are right that her negativity has probably caused this.

As suggested by other posters try to point out that you don’t want to hear all this negativity. But do it for yourself as well as your son.

your intense mothers love will make you do this for his sake, wheras there’s a good chance that you wouldn’t have found the strength to do it solely for yourself.

So reframe this as an opportunity to improve your own mental health/confidence/self esteem as well as for the sake of your son.

Reducing contact may be something you have to do in the future if nothing else works, but that will become clear to you further down the line, as you start on this process to reclaim yourself.

Best of luck.

Thank you so much. I’m thinking of booking some therapy too in the new year. It’s got more apparent over this year of being a new mum that my own experience of my parents is where a lot of issues and challenges for me really stem from. My dad will always defend my mum no matter what - he doesn’t remember stuff she’s done/said or downplays it or tells me i’m too sensitive etc.

I really don’t think she can help it, it’s genuinely how her brain works and how she sees the world, but i don’t want that affectint DS and how he thinks about himself, because he’s such a brilliant, loving, funny, confident boy

“I really don’t think she can help it, it’s genuinely how her brain works and how she sees the world, but i don’t want that affectint DS and how he thinks about himself, because he’s such a brilliant, loving, funny, confident boy”.

The most important thing is that you can see this and that’s a very positive thing.

Tbf to your dm she is probably just blindly following the way she was brought up. The key thing is that you somehow know better and your ds will benefit a lot from that. It sounds like she does love her dgs in her own way and you can probably manage it so that she has an overall net positive impact on his life. It’s good for kids to have a lot of people around them that love them.

Thank you. I don’t know much about her upbringing but her own mum can definitely be a very negative person, often things are never right and she talks extremely negatively about herself and makes thoughtless/offensive comments to and about people. It’s a really difficult dynamic that i’m trying to extract myslef snd DS from and to do things differently, but I think my family see us as a bit woke and snowflakey because of that.

@mumquery this sounds very familiar to how my parents were with my children (and me) and was always told I was too sensitive or had upset my mum if I challenged it. Do try and challenge it each time though as it is harmful and it has clearly affected you.

I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. It’s like there’s a willful ignorance from the rest of my family about what mum’s like and the damage her behaviour does (because otherwise they’d have to admit (to themselves) that they didn’t protect us?)

I’ve sent an enquiry about conselling off the back of posting this. Thank you x

The other thing that bothers me is that I’m ‘horrible mummy’ if I wipe DS’ face which he doesn’t like.

The other day I was turning on a (soft) talking toy for DS which slipped out of my hand and fell on him. My mum and dad both made ‘hilarious’ remarks about childline and him needing to phone Esther Ranzen, which wouldn’t be so hurtful if I hadn’t spent my own childhood wanting someone grown up to do something about their behaviour which actually was abusive.

That is not turn of phrase.

I'd sit here down separately and tell it has to stop.
If she can't say anything nice, say nothing.
If she cant, you wont be staying to listen to ot anymore.

She likely wont be able to stop and I wouldn't be having it
So ultimately i'd be low contact and my child would have very limited contact.

When it happens pick her up on it
Every. Single. Time. I would say the "mum stop this. Stop it now. It's wrong. The baby is isnt rude / nosy / naughty. The baby is a perfectly normal baby, doing perfectly noble things. If you carry on I'll leave."

Then leave if needed

Separately
On the nose wiping
your ds is coming 1yr if you say "okay sweetie I am going to wipe your nose" and then "approach" the nose slowly and gently wipe and say good job then your child will very quickly willing let you wipe their faces.

Same goes for mouths/food after eating. I see a lot of parents who try to be quick and are very rough... no wonder the kids dont like it!

You are not “too sensitive” - they are rude and annoying. As if a 1 yr old could “fake cry”!

Thank you. I am gentle and not rough with him in the slightest

No shade on the nose wiping - I am sure you are doing a great job.
I found with mine it took them a while to click that they didnt need to squirm away from me as i wasnt their rough handed father 😅😅

the real issue (which you know) is your mum.

You understand that OP has grown up with her mother’s undermining and frankly unhinged behaviour? And the impact it’s had on her? “I really don’t want DS to grow up like I did because I was so deeply unhappy and insecure”. You read OP explain that she has already tried to talk to her mum?

How can anyone have a “grown up”conversation with a woman who makes jokes about calling Childline when the adult DD - who she abused - drops a baby bottle?