Worried about friend’s kid

[Janejanejaneagain]

Friend is SAHM, and has never done antenatal groups, playgroups, classes. Not doing nursery and intends to keep child out of school until 6 years old. Mother is naturally quite introverted. Father is around but has never been left alone with the child (!), changed a nappy etc. Kid is about to be 3.

kid seems fine but very introverted, is very focused on mother and doesn’t like interacting with anyone else. Kid always, always seems grumpy and upset, but maybe that’s just what kids are like at that age? Well looked after apart from that.

there may be not much I can do but I would have thought at least using the free funded hours at nursery would be good for the kid’s development. Should I say something? My friend seems convinced that being looked after at home is the best thing for the kid’s attachment and sense of security.

Say nothing or the friendship will end.

I don't think that this is a good life for a 3 year old but realistically do you think your friend would take it well if you pointed it out?

Poor child is probably bored rigid. And hoe they going to get school ready?

Drop anecdotes about what your DC (if you have them, if not then other DC you know) are doing at school, in clubs etc and how they are blossoming because of it. Might make her think.

I know you have the best of intentions here and I tend to agree that it all sounds a bit antisocial but essentially however your friend chooses to raise their family is their choice.
could be that they are neurodivergent or have childhood experiences that shape their view of the world differently to yours or any number of reasons.
just be a friend and support them 😊

What happens when the child starts school and has not interacted with children in a group setting before? Won’t they be overwhelmed or is she going to home school them?

Keep right out of it. It's not your party OP.

Do you have children yourself?

Is she planning to keep the child at home with her and not really socialise until the child is six-years-old? Or will the child be doing clubs / other stuff in the meantime?

Although I bet, when the kid turns six, the mother will decide to homeschool permanently.

It doesn’t sound like an optimal environment to grow up. But she probably won’t listen to you. How close are you?

It sounds like you don’t have children? Does the child have any friends at all?

I am a SAHM, i never did any clubs/ classes etc and my kids are fine socially, all have a good group of friends, i don’t really see what the issue is, if one of my friends had tried to push clubs etc on me i would have told them to piss off, especially since it sounds like you don’t have children so really have no idea.
Everyone thinks children will be socially awkward if they don’t attend clubs etc but i have never had that issue with my kids xx

Yeah but you said kids plural - implying more than one. This is one kid, and no nursery, and no clubs and no school til six. So who is this kid playing with from 0-6? Only the mother?

I’m sure your children had each other and friends. From the OP, it sounds like this child has none of that.

I didn’t grow up going to clubs as a preschooler either. But I had a sibling and a load of friends on a very sociable, play-filled street.

I was a SAHM myself but one that understood that there's a whole world out there and my kids needed to experience different things. Unless mum has the personality of Mary Poppins it's a dull sounding existence to me spending all your time with one person. Does she at least take the child to see family?

What is SAHM. Im not understanding the abbreviation. I feel concerned as a health professional as to what is going on here as it is unusual to be bringing this child up in such an isolated way. Is the mother suffering from post natal depression? Perhaps when you reveal the abbreviation things may be clearer.

Oh OK Stay at home Mum. Well most Mums my age were SAHM and with myself there were no playgroups or nurseries when I was growing up! Perhaps, money is short with your friend maybe. Classes cost, childcare costs, maybe she has no transport, But in the UK nursery is free for 3 year olds and small children greatly benefit from the social inetraction . You say she tells you she is keeping the child home until age 6. She will have to deregister the child as children legally havd to attend school in the UK at age 5 this will flag up this child to the LEA and possibly social services since it seems that the child is largely off the radar. It seems that Mum holds certain off grid views or she is finding difficult to socially engage, maybe thd couple beong to a religious group which shun s mixing eg Exclusive Brethren or are not British . You dont say how or why you've befriended this lady or how you know her, do you have young children?. Perhaps you can influence her to do things with you if she lacks confidence . Help might be needed here. I think there are possible red flags

Poor kid will freak if away from the smother.

Are there any outings and social interaction at all?

Poor child. If she never meets with any other children she's going to have no immunity to germs either when she does go to school.

Kid will be bored as anything. Going to struggle in school if not being socialised properly.

Not your business. It’s a parenting choice and just because it doesn’t align with yours it doesn’t mean she’s wrong. FWIW I agree with you and think it’s good for kids to be socialised from a young age but I wouldn’t dream of pointing that out to a friend who chose to do things differently.

She won’t have to deregister if she doesn’t apply for school as the child wouldn’t have registered in the first place.

They don’t legally have to attend school. They have to be educated which doesn’t mean it has to be school. Health should inform the LA if any children known to them haven’t started school.

OP I’d ask the mum what she thinks is going to happen to the child if she doesn’t allow him to play with and meet other children. I’d also say you’re worried about him. If no one tells her she might not think she’s doing anything wrong. I’m saying wrong because I think what she’s doing is so unfair to that poor child.

Not your place, do they go to parks or play areas? You could suggest a day trip to the park.

I think its a bad idea to keep the child out of school unti 6 years old. This is way too long.

This is a delicate one. Your friend isn’t doing anything unsafe, but by age 3 most kids really benefit from some time around other children not for academics, just to build confidence, play skills and comfort with new adults. A very home-centred setup can suit introverted families, but it can also make the world feel overwhelming for the child, which might explain the grumpiness or clinginess you’re seeing.

If you do bring it up, keeping it casual may help: “He might actually enjoy a couple of hours with other kids even just once or twice a week.” That feels supportive rather than critical.

And gently sharing, we’ve been working on Coggi, a kids’ wellbeing tool with small emotional-skills activities and short assessments, not a replacement for socialising, but useful for parents who want extra support at home.

My Dd is 2 and half and we haven’t been able to get her into nursery as we have moved a few times and waiting lists are long in each area we have moved too. She will start preschool at just over three years in September. I will say despite us not attending many playgroups (all an hour on the bus from where we live) she is very social and not at all shy. She makes friends easily with children in the park and plays with friends children happily.
Could this just be personality from your friend’s child? If she hates playgroups she should definitely try just to hangout in playgrounds at busy times and invite friends with children over though- they learn a lot from each other.