Do we have another baby?! Is being an only child that awful?!

[elizabethxxx]

I recently had a baby in June :) it wasn’t the easiest ride. Had an induction and was in hospital for 5 days and had an emergency c section. Took me a while to bond due to the recovery after and the sheer shock 😮

I went back to work a month ago (4 months postpartum). Mainly due to our savings running out and SMP is a joke! I’m really lucky to have a WFH job and only go in the office 1 day a week. My partner has her two days a week whilst I WFH, my mum for 1, and on a Monday and Friday my grandmother comes over to help watch her. The only downside to this is my partner and I don’t have days off together, though it’s not so bad when I’m at home and he’s in the other room with our daughter.

Our girl is beautiful and sooo cute! Though she’s not the chillest baby, but we defo want another 1. My partner is 34(m) and I’m 31(F).

I am kinda guilt tripped a lot when people say it’s selfish to have just the 1. I can see why from some POV’s. I want her to be an auntie one day (sounds silly saying it now) having someone when we are gone and just to grow up with. The issue is we aren’t the richest people, we would struggle for a few years til I could work full time and just the time scale. I would want to get pregnant again at the end of next year (I’d be 32 when she’s here and my partner 36). Is this too old?

I know we have a lot time to decide (and to just enjoy the 3 of us) but it’s got me thinking lately!

any advice from families of 3 or only children would be great :) xxx

I was the same age as you when I had my DD and swore she would be an only.

She was 41/2 when I had my son and never regretted it.

Have another one if you want one but not to give your dc a sibling.
in your position I’d consider your financial situation, having to return to work at 4 months PP, your childcare set up (will family still help if there’s two very young kids close in age).

I have one teen dd. I’m from a big family. I’m close to one sister but that’s because we have dc similar age and personality wise we’re very similar. My best friend lives on my road and I’m closer to her and see her more.

my dd asked for a sibling (sister) when she was 4 but never again. She’s very happy being an only and I get to be the best parent I can be. Our home is calm, fun, we all have lots of hobbies and interests. Financially we’re doing well and we love to travel. Now that dd is older I take her and her bf on holiday/ city breaks a few times a year and it’s great fun. I might’ve had another if it happened but it didn’t. I think only children families are under rated personally.
I have had to be more flexible, put the time in and make sure she’s had opportunities to build strong connections with her cousins and friends but it’s been worth it. She’s a lovely kid who 99% of the time never gives us any trouble/ back chat. Has lots of friends, plays sport at a high level and does well in school.

I find it weird how you keep on about your age. I had my daughter when I was 37. I’m now 40. I recently went through quite a broody stage but financially it wouldn’t work. If we could afford it I would be trying for a baby now.

Even if it does impact on early menopause it certainly isn't anything you need to be worrying about at 31! Early menopause would be going through it in your 40s, not your 30s.

FWIW, I was 12 when I started my periods and concieved at 34 and 37 with no concerns. Early menopause wasn't even on my radar. I do think you need to chill out on the "age issue"

Good advice to say another child for you, not your other child.
Only children have lots of advantages. More resources, more time with parents. I grew up and only and never wanted or missed having siblings.
As an adult I can see the joy in having adult siblings you're close to - but there's no guarantee of that happening.
My DD is my only but has older siblings which has worked out well for our family.

I have one and it works brilliantly for us. We both work full time and so juggling the demands of work and one child can be difficult as it is. I get overwhelmed when there’s too much going on and to organise and struggled with the transition to parenthood. So I knew that having more than one would probably be a stretch too far for me.

Yes there are sometimes thoughts of ‘what if’ because I know my son would have been an amazing brother. But then I look around at how many in my children there are these days and it seems a large proportion of parents are thinking the same thing. At least 1/3 of my sons year at school are only children.

most of our friends just have one and friends/family that have 2 or 3 really are run ragged. Life is just easier with one.

My dd was an only child for 7 years and always asked for a sibling. I always told her it wouldn't happen. I had pnd with her and didn't want to go through that again. I changed my mind suddenly when I realised all the things you've mentioned that a sibling could provide her throughout life. Now she has a little brother and it's so joyful I can't believe I didn't do it sooner. It's benefitted her life (and mine) in so many ways already, and I can see how lonely she was before (despite having cousins and a good local friendship group).

My ds is a young adult now but loved being an only child. We had both time and energy to invest in him, he had many hobbies and was/is super sociable with lots of friends. I made sure that I facilitated all of his friendships. As a happy family of 3, he was close to us growing up and as a result we still have a strong, close relationship now. I wouldn't have it any other way.

We’re a family of 2. I’m a single mum to 6 yo DD. We have an unbreakable bond. She’s my best mate and we have so much fun together. I don’t think we’d be this close if I had other kids. That’s something that’s really special imo. She also has plenty of friends and cousins her age that she’s close to. I actually can’t imagine having another one. The only thing I worry about sometimes is when she’s grown up and I’m gone, in case she feels alone but that in itself isn’t a reason to have another child

I’m the only child of an only child & the mother of an only child. Frankly the idea that you would have another sibling so your child becomes an auntie is absolutely ludicrous.

I am close to my nieces & nephews on my husband’s side & my close friends, children.

But nothing in life is certain.

You might have twins. I did.

My dd has just turned 2 and she will be an only child. I grew up with siblings so originally, I didn't like the idea of her being an only child. I hate the thought of her burying us without moral support. Having said that, considering my age (41 when she was born) I hate the thought of her feeling responsible for a potentially disabled sibling more.
In an ideal world, you'd pop out your dd's soul mate in a year or two but that's not always how it goes. Be grateful for what you have and have another if that's what you want. Don't do it for her though, it could go horribly wrong.

I think having a sibling who you are close to and get along with IS much better than being an only.

But that's a gamble.

You should have another baby because you want one, the whole sibling thing shouldn't come into it.

And I got my period when I was 9! Still fertile at 37. Early menopause is in your 40s, not late 30s. It would be late to have your first at 37/38 in such a situation but you have plenty of time.

Enjoy your baby.

Just to add, I'm 36 and had my ds earlier this year. I don't feel old whatsoever, the ages you're suggesting having your second are not old at all.

I’m an only and it was fine as a child. I would have liked a sibling but maybe we wouldn’t have got on. In reality it matters more as you get older. When DM was ill and dying there was no one to share my loss with . ( no close cousins either). Now my DF is elderly and alone living 4 hours away it’s all down to me but I’m the squeezed middle generation needing to help my DC’s due to the cost of childcare( and loving my DGC’s). Selfish but having a sibling would share the responsibility and halve the guilt.

Mine's an only, it's great and means she's had experiences that wouldn't have been practical or affordable otherwise. She has loads of friends and extended family. Her four best friends are also only children. I really don't understand the selfishness argument? I know so many people who have difficult relationships with their siblings. I have a great relationship with my brother but we're 11 years apart which is probably why!

I think when planning for a second the child, I do think the issue of elderly care and having someone to support the eldest needs to be kept separate.

Not that I don't think it's hard doing it on your own, of course I do and I have enormous sympathy for those in that position. But I don't think the solution is to pop out children the parents either don't want, can't afford or can't cope with just so the eldest has someone to share the load with or share in their grief with.

Children should be born because they're wanted and to have a childhood and life of their own, not born to fulfill the needs whether they be emotional or social of their sibling.

Certainly in my own experience, when my parents pass there will be no sharing the grief with my siblings. We won't probably speak to each other again (no bad thing)

I work in elderly social work anyway and it seems to be more apparent that it's left to one person anyway and in many many cases, it's the fraught relationship with the sibling that causes most the stress anyway. Plus many of us won't need care or support.