Do we have another baby?! Is being an only child that awful?!

[elizabethxxx]

I recently had a baby in June :) it wasn’t the easiest ride. Had an induction and was in hospital for 5 days and had an emergency c section. Took me a while to bond due to the recovery after and the sheer shock 😮

I went back to work a month ago (4 months postpartum). Mainly due to our savings running out and SMP is a joke! I’m really lucky to have a WFH job and only go in the office 1 day a week. My partner has her two days a week whilst I WFH, my mum for 1, and on a Monday and Friday my grandmother comes over to help watch her. The only downside to this is my partner and I don’t have days off together, though it’s not so bad when I’m at home and he’s in the other room with our daughter.

Our girl is beautiful and sooo cute! Though she’s not the chillest baby, but we defo want another 1. My partner is 34(m) and I’m 31(F).

I am kinda guilt tripped a lot when people say it’s selfish to have just the 1. I can see why from some POV’s. I want her to be an auntie one day (sounds silly saying it now) having someone when we are gone and just to grow up with. The issue is we aren’t the richest people, we would struggle for a few years til I could work full time and just the time scale. I would want to get pregnant again at the end of next year (I’d be 32 when she’s here and my partner 36). Is this too old?

I know we have a lot time to decide (and to just enjoy the 3 of us) but it’s got me thinking lately!

any advice from families of 3 or only children would be great :) xxx

This.

I'm am only child and my parents divorced when I was 4 so I was bought up by my mum. I loved being an only child and hated the idea of having a sibling, but as an adult it isn't that great.I lost my my mum to cancer when I was 20 and it was very lonely. I now have a very elderly father with Alzheimers, who isn't the easiest of people, and I have sole responsibility - it can be very difficult. I have two children of 19 and 21 and I am so glad they have each other. I can genuinely say that they get on, love each other and will always be there for each other.

I’m an only child and completely agree with this. I spent a lot of time growing up playing on my own, or with my parents - clubs and play dates aren’t the same. I feel it even more now as an adult. I feel profoundly sad sometimes that it is just me and especially that my children don’t have extended family. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been really lonely at times and I’d love to have a sibling to share things with. It’s even more difficult when parents get older, as you are the only one there to shoulder the burden of care. BUT, I also have friends with siblings and they have little to no contact with them, simply because they are different types of people. It isn’t a guarantee that you’ll have a close relationship just because you’re siblings. I’m not sure anyone will be able to answer this for you, because everyone’s experience is different. Some love being an only child. I don’t. Some love having siblings, some don’t. I think you just have to weigh up your own personal circumstances and do what’s best for you.

I have 3 children, 2 adopted followed by an unexpected by very welcome birth child. Life was VERY busy. Whilst I love love love all my kids if I could go back knowing I would have 1 birth child I wouldn't have had 3. I would have waited for her and not met the others.

I’m not sure this is at all the same. You’re basically saying if you’d known you could have a child with your DNA then you wouldn’t have bothered having someone else’s. If you’d given birth to the first two and then had a third, would you have wanted to give the other two ‘back’? Obviously not, so what you’re saying is you wouldn’t have adopted. Not that you wouldn’t have had more than one child, as you obviously made the choice to do that because you adopted two.

This is a good point often missed on MN when families with one always seem to have a million cousins.

DD has a lot of cousins but all bar one either live at the other end of the country or on the other side of the world (she has 5 cousins down under!).

So she’s pretty short on family.

She was fine being an only when she was younger but as she’s got older (she’s now nearly 16) she’s said more and more how lonely she is, and has been, much of the time.

Another thing you read on MN a lot is how kids really shouldn’t expect to see school friends in the holidays. So DD has had some long summer holidays barely seeing anyone apart from us. Luckily her best friend at primary came from a family who didn’t subscribe to the MN view, but even they were away a lot.

She has also witnessed my sister and I dealing with our mother’s death together. She has often said how she dreads being alone to do that when the time comes.

Just a different perspective. We are very very close and long may that continue.

This thread (or a variation on it) seems to crop up every few days and I’m not sure how helpful it is to be honest. You will get people commenting who love being an only child and people who hate it, people whose siblings are their best friends and people who never speak to their siblings, people who think having one child is brilliant and people who think it’s selfish and awful. You can’t extrapolate from others’ experience as it will be so varied - you have to decide what you want yourself.

From my perspective, I have one child and have never wanted any more. I love the close bond we have and the attention I can devote to her. Having one child is perfectly fine if that’s what you decide is right for you. Don’t have a second as a ‘gift’ for your first - have a second because you want one.

Do whatever is right for you - don’t feel pressurised by anyone either way, the decision is yours to make and for other people to respect.
As an only child myself I was quite driven to have a second one, but on reflection I think I blame my unhappy childhood on being an only child and not on the more obvious reasons.
I’ve had a 2nd one and I love them both and would do anything for them but its bloody hard work and I would only advise going and having a 2nd one if you really want to.

You are still young OP, so have a few years to think about it or have another if it suits you. We have an old child. She is bright as a button and happy/ pleasant - although I will say it is a lot of hard work that goes into it like any parent on here will say. Irrespective if you have one or ten!
we opted for the one because I am older mum but it was also the difference of her being 1 in 40 in her class ar school or just one in 10. It also meant I could decide whether I wanted to go back to work - or not with no impact to my financial situation.

i sort of justified it thinking we have 24 hours in the day and x amount of money. I then allocated a percentage of my time and money to example my job, chores, parental responsibilities, friends, my child and school activities and my wellbeing. And I found I was already in deficit so adding another child to the mix didn’t mean I get more money or time it just meant I had to shave off time from the other bits…I didn’t want to be rushed off my feet (or more rushed off my feet) we do have a housekeeper/dog walker and nanny) so can’t say I am completely rushed like some people. I didn’t want to be struggling and wishing the hard times away with two kids or more and multiple nursery and school drop off, sock days, etc This was a personal choice, and ultimately you know what you can cope with it. The good thing is that you have some time to weigh up using the advice from everyone as a guideline. Best of luck!

This. It's the worst possible reason to have a child IMO.

I had an incredibly lonely childhood despite siblings. My DM had me and my other siblings to be playmates to our older brother. He was a bully who abused us. We hated him. Then DM hated us for not doing the job she put us on the earth for.

We were all seriously fucked up and had years of therapy, and half the family have been NC with the other for decades. It always makes me roll my eyes when people think having multiple kids guarantees playmates when young and support when adults 🙄

DD is an only, it wasn't by choice but shit happens. She never seems to get lonely, probably because she is a happy confident child who makes friends within minutes everywhere she goes. She absolutely loves the peace and quiet at home.

If you weren’t able to get pregnant a second time, would you consider your current family unit “incomplete “ ?

You're 6 months post partum and still very young. Don't rush it or think about it too much now. Take care of this baby and yourself and re-assess in a few years.

I had my first at 35. You'd think I was positively ancient by your post.

Came here to say the same. I would definitely have more financial security especially after hearing you’ve had to go back so soon post partum.

A sibling relationship is the most enduring of any. Those of us lucky enough to have wonderful relationships with our siblings are never going to say we would rather have had extra music lessons or more expensive holidays in lieu of growing up without them.
Children are inherently selfish so only children saying they love not sharing with a sibling is pretty standard.
Adulthood often brings different feelings.
(I am very aware that for some people an only child was not a choice but how life turned out . Thats very hard)

It’s not just holidays and nice things.

It’s being able to take time off work if the nursery closes. This has happened to many women I’ve known who’ve had to have unpaid leave with their partner, a few from my group are now off work completely as there aren’t the childcare provisions in our area.

It’s being able to afford for one of you to be off work if the next child is disabled.

Its being able to weather one of you losing your job.

I say have two children if you want to but don’t have them to give the other a sibling. They could hate each other!

Lastly everyone saying you have time is true to an extent. Doctors do advise against pregnancy after 35 for many health reasons and whilst some women are fine, it is a risk.

Plenty of only children still love it as an adult too. I certainly do. A sibling is far from a guarantee of help with caring for a parent or during a bereavement. I’ve worked in care and more often than not it was left to one child. My Mother received no help from her 2 surviving siblings when caring for parent. In fact they can sometimes make it even more distressing as I’ve seen with a number of bereavements. They could be their best friend, worst enemy or anything in between so if someone wants another child then they should do it because they want another, not solely to give them a sibling because you have no idea what their relationship will be like.

I totally get what you're saying. I do love all my kids the same and you're right if I had birthed those 2 I probably woùldnt have tried for a 3rd. Its just the first 2 came from the care system and had issues we weren't told about and they are hard work as adults. We love them and obvs help them, our wills treat them equally. Its just that if we hadnt known about them we would have just stuck at 1.

UPDATE : Thankyou for all your words, I’m not sure I have time to reply to all :) it’s certainly a lot to think about. But I feel a little better about perhaps only having the one! The reason I’m worried about my age is because I was an incredibly early bloomer (I started my period just before I turned 11, in year 6) Iv learnt that this can affect menopause approaching! Financially, it will be a strain having 2 but doable. I decided to go back to work early as I didn’t know what would be more productive. Sat at home being kinda broke with my baby. Or sat at home working (I WFH) with my baby but still being able to save for a holiday/go out etc. I suppose it’s just pros and cons - we would struggle a bit for a few years til they are both in school (if we have another one). Or just be the 3 of us :) I think nowadays as soon as you have one, people start putting their two pence in about when the next one is coming etc etc. puts you into panic mode! Thankyou so much tho. Xxx

I'm an only, never had any issues with it. I also had DS at 41, DH was 39, we're trying for a second but nature has other ideas at the moment, and I had a miscarriage in Sept, probably age related as I was 42 at the time. You're definitely not too old!

I am an only child and so is my son. My Mum had pre-eclampsia, I was born 11 weeks early and wasn't expected to live. With my son, I had a good pregnancy but a dreadful birth that resulted in an emergency C-section. My son was born with the cord wrapped around him. There was nothing that could persuade me to have another child. My husband wasn't fussed either way, so we have the one. I had a very happy childhood and never yearned for siblings (although I appreciate not every only child experiences this). My son has never asked for siblings, now he's older he understands I had a difficult birth. You aren't going to cause your child trauma by being an only child. Many couples decide to have one child for varying reasons, but sometimes it's not medical but rather practical and financial. Having siblings doesn't automatically equate to a close relationship or help when parents become elderly (you only need to read MN to see that). Ultimately you have to do what's right for your family and not worry about others..

You'll get people saying being an only child is brilliant and you'll get people saying being an only child is awful (I'm in the latter group... I absolutely hated being an only child).

You just have to do what's you want, not what you think is best for your other child. Do you want a second baby? Make the decision based on that.

I think you’re really overthinking this. You want another child, you can afford it (albeit with cut backs). So do it. I’m pregnant with my third at 39, we haven’t been abroad since our honeymoon in 2018 and have only done two UK holidays (both less than a week) since then. That’s actually less to do with finances in our case, and more to do with kids on holiday being hard work and we prefer to stay home with our time off as it’s easier. If you want two children in your life, then a few short years of no holidays is a drop in the ocean.

Hated being an only child. That was my main reason for having 2

Do it.

Two is easier than one. Three is easier than two but logistics start to be trickier.
Two close in age is perfect because they occupy each other once the baby is about a year old.
I read a quote recently
"Kids are like a gas. They will expand to occupy 100% of your life. One kid will take all of your time and energy. 4 kids will take all of your time and energy."