Do we have another baby?! Is being an only child that awful?!

[elizabethxxx]

I recently had a baby in June :) it wasn’t the easiest ride. Had an induction and was in hospital for 5 days and had an emergency c section. Took me a while to bond due to the recovery after and the sheer shock 😮

I went back to work a month ago (4 months postpartum). Mainly due to our savings running out and SMP is a joke! I’m really lucky to have a WFH job and only go in the office 1 day a week. My partner has her two days a week whilst I WFH, my mum for 1, and on a Monday and Friday my grandmother comes over to help watch her. The only downside to this is my partner and I don’t have days off together, though it’s not so bad when I’m at home and he’s in the other room with our daughter.

Our girl is beautiful and sooo cute! Though she’s not the chillest baby, but we defo want another 1. My partner is 34(m) and I’m 31(F).

I am kinda guilt tripped a lot when people say it’s selfish to have just the 1. I can see why from some POV’s. I want her to be an auntie one day (sounds silly saying it now) having someone when we are gone and just to grow up with. The issue is we aren’t the richest people, we would struggle for a few years til I could work full time and just the time scale. I would want to get pregnant again at the end of next year (I’d be 32 when she’s here and my partner 36). Is this too old?

I know we have a lot time to decide (and to just enjoy the 3 of us) but it’s got me thinking lately!

any advice from families of 3 or only children would be great :) xxx

I'm an only and so was my DM. Both perfectly happy and I for one never wanted a sibling and was never lonely.

I was an only child and loved it, and DS will be an only child. Unless your baby is growing up in an isolated community where the only way to make friends is to breed them - not sure why they'd be lonely! They'll have nursery friends, school friends, uni friends, work friends...A lot of parents have 2 kids because they don't have the energy, time or patience to spend with them and it's easier to have them entertain each other. But ultimately there's no guarantee they will even get on, plenty of siblings don't, and it's an expensive and life changing decision to have children just to entertain each other.

Also hate this idea that having an only child means they're burdened with your care - NO child should be expected to care for you and we should all make our own arrangements. If they want to that's great but they don't owe us anything for being birthed and should be able to prioritise their own lives.

If you are happy with one, don't let ridiculous, outdated notions guilt you into having a second. Your child will learn most life skills and ability to interact with others from external environments, and you can still enforce discipline and a strong work ethic, whilst still providing a great life, without spoiling them rotten.

Posted this before. I’m an only of two only’s who is married to an only.

I only have one child 😂.

None of us disliked being an only child or had/have any hankering for a sibling.

I honestly think people who propagate the myths of only children being lonely and/or spoilt are just projecting (and not through their own experience in most cases).

Of course many people with siblings can’t comprehend a life without them, but the reverse is also true in not missing a person(s) who never existed.

Very, very few friends in my social circle have close/positive relationships with their adult siblings for a variety of reasons and not many had great childhood experiences either.

Thats clearly not to say that some only’s feel lonely or some people have amazing sibling relationships.

The upshot though is that a parent you can do a lot to mitigate against the former by placing an emphasis on and supporting your child’s social connections, whilst you have very little/if any control over whether all your children will have similar/complementary personalities.

In the end it’s a personal choice, but I wouldn’t be swayed by what other people think/say. Do what’s right for your family.

I'm biased because I have a 4 year gap and I love it- I think most people like the gaps they end up with but I don't think you need a 2 year gap and 34 or 35 isn't pushing it really for a second child. Most of the people I know had their seconds at 36 plus!

You are 4/5 months pp. Most people have still lost their minds at this point. I definitely had with DC1 and I had definitely not gone back to work full time! It's totally normal to have no idea whether you are having another yet or not! You can see how the land lies in 2 or 3 years.

I have a brother, yet I’m not an auntie as he will never have children. You have no idea of the future. Having a sibling doesn’t guarantee she’ll be an aunt.

I have an only too, he’s never asked for a sibling, he’s happy with his life and life for us is much easier and more free with one. Both my best friends have 3 and watching them has always confirmed to me that one was the right choice. I thought I wanted more, I was definitely in the mind of two or three, but as the time has gone on I’m glad we never did.

I'm an only, and it's important to me to at least try to have more than one child. While I really had a great childhood and was indulged with lots of hobbies and clubs, I was quite lonely and bored a lot of the time. I remember dreading the holidays because it was such a long stretch of just hanging around, and while I did get to invite friends places it's really not the same as having siblings of a similar age to play with and chat to.

There's really no right or wrong answer and your baby is only a few months old, I wouldn't really rush any decision! I didn't feel ready for a second until my baby was 2 and I was 37 then (concieved within a few months).

I have two siblings who add absolutely nothing to my life. We don't speak and they haven't given me nieces or nephews and my children don't know them. My friends are much more family to me. I also know plenty of only children of all ages who are happy and contended.

Yes some people may not like being only children and being lonely, but equally some people don't get on with their siblings and are lonely too! I certainly had many periods of this during my childhood.

Nothing is guaranteed, but I wouldn't be rushing any decision now.

This is exactly what I mean by being different. For me I had a twin so exactly the same age as me and we never played together or chatted during the holidays. I was always out with my friends instead and would have found it very lonely not having friends whereas it wouldn't have made the blindest bit of difference having siblings or not.

As I said, all different expenses!

Another thing OP, if you want another you're still young enough to leave a 4-5 year age gap which would help finances. I was 34 and 37 when I had mine and its fine, I don't feel any older than any other parents. And there's also research come out that this is the best age gap for children, it's what I would have done had I been your age!

Equally there's loads of research as well busting the "lonely only" myths and about the benefits to only children too. But at 5 months post partum I'd really just enjoy your child now.

I think there’s pros and cons to any number of kids so I wouldn’t worry about your choice.

What I would say is that our 2 boys (2.5yr age gap) are just staring to play together and it’s a fantastic. I can actually get stuff done and it’s great seeing them build a relationship.

And the same as my 25 year old DD.

Ffs, please stop with the whole “I’m getting a bit old at 32” & “Partner nearly 40” stuff. This site if flooded with women who have conceived well into their 40’s, but nothing is guaranteed at any age.
The no guarantee also applies to how things pan out with a further child. Ignoring the possibly of health complications, your children may not like each other, your second child might not want their own kids, etc etc.

You have absolutely no idea what tomorrow holds so focus on what you have today and make the most of that.

I agree. The OP seems to have a very rigid way of thinking, you must know surely OP that having an "issue of time" really isn't a concern at your age.

Likewise there's no guarantee just because you have a sibling you'll be an Auntie. My siblings don't have children yet I'm still an Auntie to my best friends children and also my niece through my husband.

I always find these threads strange. You could ask 20 people what their experiences were of being an only child or with siblings and get 20 different answers. Your child's experience of siblings/only child will be unique to them and no amount of what people will tell you about their own experiences will impact on what your child feels.

Don’t rush into any decisions-you have plenty of time. I have to say one of my very favorite things about being a parent has been watching my two children interact with each other through the different stages of life, and the relationship they have now as young adults. I still remember when dd was about 5 or 6 and she said “we” and I realized she meant her and her younger brother, not her and me. But there are good and bad elements to all combinations.

I think you are giving too much importance to the biological clock. I had my second child at 38 and was the only woman on the postnatal ward under 40 (not in UK so 5 days on ward was standard and you get to know people).
I wouldn’t prioritise holidays over having a child I wanted. (Fine to only want one of course, but it doesn’t sound like you do.) We didn’t really have holidays in the first few years because of COVID (too many things cancelled) and small children really don’t care.

I was a couple of months shy of 40 when my only child was born, and I was about the median age in my NCT group of eight.

I would enjoy your baby and discuss again next year.

Dh is an only child. He wanted a sibling. He’s had a tough life and when events happen (cancer, death of mother, suicide of friend, death of father) it would have been nice for him to have someone to chat to or help arrange care, make decisions with power of attorneys etc, someone to share good and bad times with.

I would say your way too early to be thinking about it your literally still in recovery stage for your body and very much in the thick of it baby stage.

I couldn't even contemplate another til DS1 was 2 so unless you have always been 1 and done I wouldn't be making any decisions quickly.

Also 31 is still in a good phase unless you have a family history of early menopause. You still have time on your side. I had DS1 at 32 and DS2 at 35.

Enjoy your baby see how you feel in 18 months.

My only son is 16 and he loves it.
Yes he has medical and neurological diagnosis/conditions but thankfully we live in an area with great healthcare.
We also have family (cousins etc similar age) and lots of friends so my son never feels lonely and ever since he could talk and understand babies/toddlers he basically begged us he doesn't want a brother or sister luckily for him I had to have a partial hysterectomy 10 years ago so definitely no more babies my son is very happy how he is and we can concentrate on him and him alone.

Single children are easier in every way imaginable.

DD1 was an only child for 5 years and honestly it was brilliant. She got all of us and she thrived.

DD2 arrived last year and its been hard. I wouldn't change her for the world, she's definitely the missing piece, but I won't lie, DD1 has suffered a bit! if nothing else, DD2 is loud and our house used to be so calm!

But ultimately we wanted another child. I know a PP said think about the now when deciding but it was the future that pushed us to have another. We envisioned a family of 4.

Either way is fine.

Not if you happen to have two that play together nicely for hours at a time from an early age

Just wanted to add my two pence worth - I agree with the other posters there is no rush you have plenty of time.

I had two boys but they are nearly 12 years apart so when I ask them both about their experiences they said they both felt like only children (my eldest left for uni at 18 when the baby was only 6 so his core memories are him being on his own) and they both said they liked being the “only” child but then they don’t know any different.

my sister had 4 children under the age of 10 (she is superwoman) but she had the lucky position of being able to stay home and she said she wouldn’t have it any other way and would have had more if she was able to. Her kids are very close whereas my boys are further apart due to age and physical distance but it was right for me to have them that far apart I would never have coped with two littles

good luck with what you decide ❤️

I’m an “only” child and I never craved siblings. My parents chose to stick to one and give me the best life they could rather than struggle with 2. I’ve got lots of friends. So many people I know don’t get on
with sisters and brothers anyway!