Controlling MIL being unfair to my kids

[Kiki234]

I have known MIL for 10 years and have always given her the benefit of the doubt. We live close by and I have tried my best to be supportive in trying to maintain a cohesive family.

MIL is the type of person who cannot take any accountability over her behaviour. This trait has been shared to her 10 yo son. For example, he outright hit my 2yo and MIL called my son sensitive for crying and did not speak to her child about the behaviour. There have been instances where my 2yo has been reprimanded by her but not her 10yo.

I am struggling to manage this as being controlling with me is one thing but now I feel it is affecting my children. I also always leave my MIL feeling bad as I remember past incidents where she was very abusive.her behaviour has overall improved with boundaries being set but I just find her so incredibly draining to be around.

I just need a rant and for someone to advise me on how to manage this.

Stay away from her. Protect your children.

Reduce contact. Where is your husband, her son, in all this?

He's grown up being controlled by her and will only take a stance if something is serious. I feel like I've become the same too.

I don't believe I can reduce contact. All hell will break loose. We are tied down to seeing her on specific days.

This is tricky OP but you either need to reduce contact to nil, or speak to her about your concerns with her son and get her onside. You cannot have a situation where your child is bullied by a much older and bigger child

She won't get on side. Last time someone in the family tried to voice their concerns she shut them down and became ballistic.

Her son probably hits my kids the least as I am constantly monitoring them and will call out the behaviour factually. I won't reprimand her child or ask her to though. Perhaps I should say, "It's not nice to hit X."

My concern is, if I reduce contact the kids will go with DH and there will be nobody to monitor the situation.

Part of me just wants to completely cut contact. I've tried for 10 years and I think I have had enough of being on edge, being told I'm not good enough or always in the wrong for absolutely nothing. For example, I missed an important event because I was working and it was a HUGE problem. I had her scream at me and managed to neutralise the situation but somehow it's me consoling her in the end.

Then you have a DH problem. I have one too in the respect that he’s been manipulated by his mum most his life but the difference is my DH would protect his kids if I wasn’t there. How bad must it be for your DH to protect his child? That alone would be my reason to leave him. You must protect your child at all costs. Regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you, your husband or your shitty MIL. You would massively regret it if anything bad happened to your son.

Textbook abusive narcissistic. Why is your dh ok with her being this rude to you?

Why is DH standing by whilst she behaves like this?

Get him to look up FOG, Fear Obligation Guilt

DH can't protect himself let alone the kids. He is an amazing father and spends most of the week caring for the kids. He just shrivels in front of his mother and I don't think he has ever been allowed to have an opinion as a child.

If you can’t get MiL onside then you at least need to get husband onside. He cannot allow a bigger child to hit or intimidate his children and surely he will be able to see that. Maybe if you spell it out for him, he will monitor if and when he spends time with MiL without you.

He did stand up for me during that time and has spend weeks with no contact with his mother. I always end up getting him to call his mum and reconcile which I think is the biggest mistake I ever made.

I don't think he will watch the kids if I'm honest. For some reason, the whole family are very poor at understanding kids. For example one child will cry and their response is "stop crying" rather than asking why the child is upset. Meanwhile I'm there seeing that one child has snatched another child's toy and then hitting him with it before quickly running off.

This is exactly what I experience!

Your 2 year old needs protection, not your dh. He needs to grow a pair, or you need to leave. You described him as a good dad but a good dad doesn’t allow their child or mother of their child to be bullied.

Yup - you speak to the 10 year old and be near to protect your 2 yo at all times

Honestly the only solution I see is to cut MIL contact with me and the kids. It seems so drastic from where we are now but I genuinely feel so relieved thinking it's possible. I'm so on edge it's really bad for me.

Our relationship has improved so much but I think I have come to realise that I can't change her.

An amazing father doesn’t stand by and do nothing when his children are abused by other people

His answer would be, "if I had seen it I would have said something." ... But I did say it out loud so everyone could hear.

I think he goes into some fight or flight mode. His mother was physically abusive to him as a child, that complex doesn't go away now that he's man.

It's terrible that he had to go through that, but he has the responsibility of protecting his own child now, and he needs to start living up to it by standing up for himself and his family.

As do you. You're an adult, another adult doesn't get to 'go ballistic' at you unless you stand there and let them. Take your child and leave, and let them know that they can see their grandson again when they've apologized for their behavior and adjusted their attitude.

Then ignore completely until they do. You don't take the kids to see them. Their dad doesn't take their kids to see them. You'll quickly find out what their priorities are.

No I stood up for myself and that was the last time that happened. She won't do that any more. As I've said things have gotten better because I have upheld boundaries but I am just sick of always having to go through this.

So perhaps next time I'll be more vocal about her son hitting mine and it won't happen again in the same way. I'll set the boundary and there will be consequences for me but I don't care. We will make up and then something else will crop up later and the cycle repeats.

I do think I need to cut contact now though. No contact with the kids. They will probably end up throwing a brick through my window if I'm honest.

Do you HAVE to see her, aside from the emotional obligation?
If your husband doesn't really like her and you don't really like her and your child doesn't really like her, any chance you can block her from all of your forms of contact?
I don't suppose you rent or are considering moving home sometime soon?
And if you do, not tell her that you're moving, and not tell her where you're going?
Pretend you're in witness relocation and just take off?

So you need to break the cycle.

Making up is meaningless if she continues to behave the same way.

Unlikely to change.
If you will continue to see each other, you can only change how you resond.

Try complimenting her child whenever they are playing nicely and being kind to smaller children.
Ignore her child and protect your kids when they are out of control.

When you visit plan some of the activities to be boisterous outdoor play. Walking to nearby park, jumping on small trampolene. Take the lead to encourage her child to let off steam appropriately.
Plan an adult led activity sometimes - like baking pancakes.
Encourage your DH to do some one of one play with his brother every time he visits.

Don't bring sugary treats or drinks to share.

Have ready reasons as to why you need to leave early if yourchild is upset - over tired and needs an early night, coming down with the neighbourhood bug, sore ear, teething etc.

Don't stay there if you are battling. Stay only as long as you notice the child isbeing civil.

Can you offer to have bossy child over to your place sometimes where your DH can play with him, he can learn your rules at your home and MIL can have a break?