DS7 refuses to go to school on Mondays

[NettlesandBrambles]

Hello! Long-time lurker, first time poster here.

DS7 has developed this habit of refusing to go to school on Mondays.
It started mid-October, so few weeks into the new school year (he’s in Year 3).
He would be reluctant to get up, saying he’s feeling unwell.
After a quick health check, I would tell him he is fine and coax him out of bed.
He would sit on the sofa looking grumpy. Some Mondays, he can be convinced to put his uniform, other times not - it really depends on his mood.

It all comes to a head when we’re about to leave the house. At first he is given encouragement, then progressing on to stern words, screen ban threats, and eventually I would have to carry him out to the car. Once at school, there is a battle to get him out of the car, then another to get him through the school gate. Some days he could be in very worked up and needing to be calmed down before waking into school. His school is really good at dealing with this.

Once in school he seems to settle in quite quickly (so I am told), and he is absolutely fine going in for the rest of the week.

When asked why he doesn’t want to go in, he says he just doesn’t or makes up some story, which just isn’t proportional to his reaction.

Does anyone have any similar experience with your DC? Or any strategies to help them?

Thank you!!

Is there something happening on Mondays at school that he doesn't like? Such as PE or some other activity? Can you speak to his teacher to find out what the cause may be?

Hello19834,
as far as I know there isn’t anything happening on Monday that would bother him or make him reluctant.
I have talked to his class teacher; no friendship issues or apparent problems in class.

My youngest doesn’t like school and hasn’t since reception he is now in secondary school. Triggers for gem are/were certain lessons (French will a teacher they weren’t on, dress up days) but Monday is always a battle as they love the weekend.

I would email the teacher and check everything is ok (friendships and academically).

I used to spend my day worrying about them, but they appear happy enough when they are there.

Could it be not wanting to leave you after a weekend together? Does he happily go in on Tuesdays?

As tempting as it might be don’t give in and let him stay home because he’ll realise that sometimes he’ll get to stay off and it will continue. School refusal of this type is usually anxiety based so it seems counter intuitive to ‘force’ him to go but just be matter of fact I would bypass the encouraging stage, don’t barter everything is geared up to him putting his uniform on. Obviously I’m not saying be horrible, kind but firm and non negotiable

You might not realise it but probably on Sunday evening your stress levels are starting to rise, and you wake up in Monday already knowing what will happen - your behaviour will reflect this and he’ll pick up on it.
Unless you plan to home school him he’ll have to go to school.
I am a parent of a school refuser who learnt how to change my own behaviour by a psychologist

Yes, this. And be consistent every single Monday. Stay calm. This is the plan and this is what's going to happen.

Thank you for this, it’s really interesting you brought up my behaviour. It’s quite possible I already have my guards up on Sunday knowing this is going to happen the next day, which results in me deliberately avoiding talking about or mentioning school, because I worry that it will trigger his anxiety.

What are your opinions on talking about/mentioning school on Sunday?

I have not given in, nor do I plan to, as I know he will be fine and has no problem the rest of the week.

Well he's obviously got the Monday blues

Just tell him 'I know darling, but it'll be weekend soon'

And the week begins!

I agree, I think that’s what this is.
What you suggest saying would be the first thing he’d be told Monday morning, but he gradually works himself up into an inconsolable state. I wish I knew a better way to approach him.

My child has had significant issues with going in on Monday and one day he told the teacher it was simply because it is Monday!

sundays are now not activity fun based days - they are low key low stress and just pottering around at home. We talk a lot about how this is Sunday tomorrow is Monday we have school need to get things ready for Monday. Sort uniform, tidy room, what’s on the school schedule for the week etc.

We have also introduced a rewards for him in that if he goes in calm he can have a reward at the end of the day / week.

He is also in Y3 but we have had anxiety at drop off for a year now and it’s slowly getting better.

Have school tried to talk to him about why he finds Monday difficult. Maybe they can think of some job or something on a Monday that he can look forward to, not a bribe just something he might just want to do. What you dont want to happen is that this then moves to other days. This happened to my DC, year 1 no sticker or reward worked, just found school overwhelming especially on a Monday after the weekend.

Is there anything quick he really enjoys doing and could do before school?

DD was similar at that age and we learnt that having 20 mins gaming before school with Dad before school was an incentive to get ready without procrastination and worry. Then enjoying that shook off enough anxiety to get her to school in a calmer state.

I'd sit down with him and make a plan together. Start by explaining what the Monday blues are, that they're common even for adults, but unfortunately as tough as it is, we still have to go in on Monday. Explain gently that him getting so worked up will be making his Monday Blues even worse and that it's important for you have a plan to avoid this. Let him open up as much as he can and give any ideas he might have. You might be surprised what he has to say.

Ideas I'd add to the pile would be:

• a special breakfast on a Monday morning, something to look forward to.

• a Monday morning soundtrack to play in the morning/in the car on the way.

• a cosy blanket to put on his lap in the car - the leaving the warm house to get in the cold car is always a particularly hard moment on a Monday I find!

• a slightly earlier wake-up so he has some extra time to get in the zone.

• a Monday evening activity/treat so he has something to look forward to when he gets home.

This is a joke isn't it?!

How about "John, we're leaving in 30 mins because it's the law that kids your age go to school, like it or not."

30 mins later ...

"JOHN - CAR - NOW!!"

Yeah, you can shout at an upset child.

You do you.

I think the OP is looking for something beyond shouting at him though. Something that might actually help him feel better.

You do you

🙄

Indulging a child's indolence isn't doing him any favours. Setting boundaries, having expectations and being firm when needed is exactly what young children need.

School on Monday isn't optional - its the law.

Thank you for this,
So you do talk to your DC on Sunday about going into school the next day and you found it helped. I think I will try this approach, and as previous poster says, I do probably have my hackles up a little already on Sunday.

I like the idea of having a sit down to talk about it; I don’t know if DC is mature enough/have the EQ to talk about it. Will have to find the right moment.

And if they don't respond to you laying down the law?

random question, does your school have a breakfast club?
we had a child who found it so hard to come in but once they found out their friend had breakfast at school they happily trotted in at 8am to have breakfast with their friend.

I have talked to school about it before, but perhaps I should bring it up again.
Asking if he could have a little job to do on Monday is a really good idea if it isn’t too much trouble for the teacher - I will might suggest that to them tomorrow.

I have tried a similar approach before - I got him to get dressed and get ready, but as soon as he realised he had to leave the house, he quickly reverted to refusal mode; also the fact that he had to stop doing something he was really enjoying made his reluctance worse.

Maybe I chose the wrong activity though. Also, DS’s personality is such that if he has a good thing he wants to keep it going😅

It has to be non-negotiable, indeed I think something he enjoys later in the week should be conditional on absolutely no nonsense on a Monday at all.

Glad to read of your determination.

Yes, there is a breakfast club at school, but he has so far not needed to go. This may change in the near future as I have a new job and might need to use the breakfast club some days.

It will be interesting to see how he will respond to it.

@NettlesandBrambles yes it’s a continuous conversation and reminders. Tomorrow is Monday - ooo what lessons are there?
Tomorrow is Monday start of school week what else is happening this week?
I ask - is there anything worrying you about tomorrow?
Its clear what the morning routine is - uniform, breakfast, school.
I reiterate everyone has to go to school and Mondays is a hard for lots of people.

I mean I’ve had him screaming at the gates holding on for dear life. It literally ruins my whole day and mood and I find it emotionally draining especially having to maintain the calm exterior and to let him know it’s going to be ok and I’ll see him in a few hours.

This is a bit weird but I distinctly remember when I was that age, feeling a bit sad on Monday at school and missing my family after the weekend.

I remember we used to have some kind of singing lesson on a Monday mid morning and one week there was a song in a minor key that sounded quite sad and I felt very sad and missed my mum. And I am someone who loved school and was quite independent otherwise! It always passed after lunch. Is your DS otherwise quite sensitive?

It's a really powerful memory and I still do actually get the Monday blues at work sometimes. I'm sure lots of people do. I find it hard to find something I want to eat for lunch on a Monday for example, nothing appeals.