DS7 refuses to go to school on Mondays

[NettlesandBrambles]

Hello! Long-time lurker, first time poster here.

DS7 has developed this habit of refusing to go to school on Mondays.
It started mid-October, so few weeks into the new school year (he’s in Year 3).
He would be reluctant to get up, saying he’s feeling unwell.
After a quick health check, I would tell him he is fine and coax him out of bed.
He would sit on the sofa looking grumpy. Some Mondays, he can be convinced to put his uniform, other times not - it really depends on his mood.

It all comes to a head when we’re about to leave the house. At first he is given encouragement, then progressing on to stern words, screen ban threats, and eventually I would have to carry him out to the car. Once at school, there is a battle to get him out of the car, then another to get him through the school gate. Some days he could be in very worked up and needing to be calmed down before waking into school. His school is really good at dealing with this.

Once in school he seems to settle in quite quickly (so I am told), and he is absolutely fine going in for the rest of the week.

When asked why he doesn’t want to go in, he says he just doesn’t or makes up some story, which just isn’t proportional to his reaction.

Does anyone have any similar experience with your DC? Or any strategies to help them?

Thank you!!

Is it PPA day on Monday? I have a child in my class that struggles with this so he comes in and gets to play with Lego in the book corner for 10 minutes to get him in, then the cover teacher gives him little jobs and I check in halfway through my PPA.

I know this is a long shot - a faith school I once taught at (not for long!) had a problem with some children not wanting to go to school on a Monday because one of the teachers used to question them on whether they'd been to church the day before! I sincerely hope this sort of thing doesn't go on nowadays. Could it be something similar though?

@Nanamuffin
Thank you so much for your advice and suggestions, I found your list of talking points really helpful.
I don’t think it will be fixed overnight, but hope I can build him up so he learns to manage his feelings better, rather than get overwhelmed by them.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe
Wow, that sounds intense!
I doubt this is something that happens at his school, as it’s a pretty secular setting.

But, I think you do raise an interesting point as I had one teacher who was in a habit of asking the whole class what we did at the weekend and being an introvert, I used to hate being put on the spot like that.

@EsmeMulligan

While I agree with “it’s the law” rationale, I think we human beings are nothing but rational.

If I was dreading going to work because of whatever reason and my partner said to me “You have to go to work because we have to pay the bills, feed and clothe our children, etc.,” I don’t think I would respond well to that.

I don’t see anyone here suggesting that him going to school is optional and that the OP shouldn’t hold that boundary. They are just looking for ways to help support their child through their distress and find ways to help them learn to find ways to cope with the situation, rather than just shouting at them. You can hold boundaries compassionately in a way that helps your child to learn new coping skills; it doesn’t have to involve harshness and shouting.

Is there something fun that you could plan for Monday evenings? Even just something little after school (trip to the park or something) so that it gives him a focus for Monday.
He’s probably just got a bit of Monday blues after the weekend at home.
Poor kid, he’s got a lifetime of this to come 😅

It could easily be something like that. Hopefully you can easily tease it out of him. I agree with other posters that a softly softly approach is best with the understanding staying at home is not an option.

I wouldn’t mention school much if at all on the Sunday. He knows it Sunday and school is the next day. Apart from the usual coming into bedtime/bath time don’t talk about it. If he didn’t have trouble going in on Mondays you would hardly mention it. And he may pick up on any anxiety you feel about the next morning.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t talk to him because it’s important for him to be heard and even if he can’t tell you what he’s feeling he should still know that you are there to help him. Maybe Wednesday or Thursday is a good day to have any conversation about it.

I personally wouldn’t recommend setting up any type of reward system or planned fun things for Monday for him going into school they don’t work and just reinforce the cycle. But it’s still a nice thing to do so you can try it see if it works.

It’s incredibly stressful and i didn’t understand it fully but we were lucky we got help and it did fix it but it was a process. I went through all the things I am reading here and ultimately none of it helped or worked and was actually making it all continue. I am very much a gentle type of parent so i didn’t realise what I was naturally doing was having the opposite effect

It works for millions of us - we go to work to pay for food not because we want to!

What happens when your son's an adult and doesn't want to go into work because he doesn't like Mondays, or Tuesdays or ...

Make sure he gets plenty of physical activity on Sunday - preferably outdoors. Though maybe not this weekend! Don't spend the evening talking about his anxiety. Don't fanny about on Monday morning - out of bed, in the shower (or not if he bathes the night before), eat normal breakfast (nothing special), brush teeth, grab your bag, in the car - now!

Go on, try it. And be consistent, not indulgent.

What do your Sundays look like? Are they go go go and therefore come Monday he is tired?

I’d try to make Sunday afternoon chill out time - calm - a walk a movie , no gaming though as that hypes up the nervous system not calms it down. Giving him a battery recharge then you can be upbeat on Monday morning yay time to go play with your friends - what games are you going to play at lunch today ( focus on yay friends not actual school)

All the best x

Hurrah!
This morning DS went in to school. No tears; a bit of wobbliness as we walked to the gate, but he went in without complaint.

We did a lot of what was suggested here; very chill Sunday afternoon with no screens, just relaxing Lego session and early dinner. Very casually talked about how it’s the end of the week and back to school/work tomorrow. Early bed time.
His school has been really helpful as well. He has been enrolled in pre-teach as of last week, so he can go to his class 10 minutes before everyone else and (as I understand it) do some maths exercises.

He will probably have some days that he struggles to go in, but hopefully we can help him manage his feelings better.

Thanks everyone for all your advice and suggestions!

I actually remember myself being like this around that age. It’s general anxiety. Theres
no obvious logic to why only Monday but in kid logic it was because the anxiety built up over the weekend but once you went in Monday you knew everything was actually ok so were good for the rest of the week. Then it starts again.
You need to tackle the general anxiety.

@Notmyreality
I do agree that the root cause is anxiety.
It’s often the case when we have to do something new or challenging or something we’re not 100% on board with doing.

That’s why, ultimately, he has to learn to manage his feelings, as I expect he enjoys being at school (for the most part) once he is there. But after two days of being at home, he finds it much harder to go in on Mondays - also the way he expressed refusal was so extreme (in my eyes) I did question whether there was more to it, and I still think it’s worth being vigilant when kids react in an extreme way, even if it turns out to be nerves or anxiety-related.

There is a lot of advice on here which I done in the past which I now know was the wrong thing to do and we endes up with serious ESBNA and mental health issues.

I find out if your LEA has an ESBNA tool kit, read it and ask school to do an ESBNA assessment assessment and put strategies into place.

I just want to reiterate that I am not dealing with persistent school refusal here. This concerns my DS who has been struggling with going in to school on Mondays, and I was seeking advice from parents who might have had similar experiences.
I think if your child is persistently refusing to go to school, they may need a different approach or support.

But this is often how persistent school refuses starts.

This kid is balking at Mondays as they are the start of the week. It’s not ‘indolence’

Speaking as a parent of a dc who had such severe EBSA they self harmed l can categorically say it’s not about laziness.

It might just be the start however. You need to accept that it might not just be now or just about Monday. It can get worse.

Sounds like anxiety bless him , Mondays are hard as he has been in his safe space all weekend and school feels uncertain . He then realises it’s ok and copes fine the rest of the week ? I would do some work around anxiety - educate him about his nervous system , practice breathing exercises , teach him that he has evidence that once he gets there is fine - he has felt like this before and was fine last week etc

Do you work on Mondays? At a similar age DD realised that I don’t (i compress my hours Tue-Fri) and she had a better chance of staying home on a Monday than any other day. After three Mondays of shopping, cooking, taking DM to hospital appts, sorting out some plumbing etc, she decided she’d rather ne at school.

DS is neurodivergent and on Mondays he is always more anxious - which usually shows itself as being ratty or complaining of feeling ill. It is, I think, just the change in routine from the weekend (and is always worse after a holiday). But his feelings are real, so I try and be understanding. I think trying to turn around the Monday dread by having some nice things to look forward to especially because its Monday is a lovely one, and something I am certainly going to try to do more of.

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads
I work 4 days a week but my shifts vary from week to week, so he doesn’t associate Monday with my day off.