Anyone else struggling to know who they are as their children grow up?

[Missingpieces1]

Hi everyone,

Basically what the title says?

My eldest has just turned 18 and my youngest is 11 and just started secondary school.

As my kids are getting older and getting much more independent I feel like I don't know who I am anymore... I dont find joy in anything anymore really. I am on antidepressants (not for that reason but I guess it affects that a bit I suppose).

My biggest joy has always been my children and planning things for them etc. Now my eldest is an adult, my youngest doesn't need me much now. I don't know what to do with myself lol. The only things that have bought me joy for the past 18 years are doing things with my kids or things that make them happy I guess.

I probably sound like one of them overbearing parents but I don't let my children know that I feel this way and I am proud of them all and love watching them all become the older more grown up version of themselves.

I just feel like I don't really know who I am anymore without being a mom as my main purpose. I know I will always be their mom in a different way, it's just hard to take a step back I guess and know I am not needed now in the way I was.

I know people will probably say find things you enjoyed before you had kids but truth is I was 19 when I had my eldest and all I ever wanted was to be a mom. I didn't really have anything in my life that I enjoyed doing before kids.

I am not putting it all on my kids and will never let them know that this is how I feel. I want them to grow and live their own lives as they get older. I just want to know there are others that feel this way I guess and that its normal?

What did everyone else do that helped them?

You say you're proud of them, and that is the most important thing. Hold onto that feeling.
Things evolve in a different way as they grow up. No sooner than you know it you'll be a grandma and round it goes again

You don’t sound overbearing at all. I have been trying to do things for the last couple of years to get myself out of this mindset but as each one gets more independent (youngest is 14), the feeling of dread creeps in. I just really loved my kids being younger and us doing things as a family.

Things I’m doing to feel better are; taking on more responsibility at work, volunteering, going to the gym and planning more things with friends and wider family. Husband works long hour (always has) and so he feels it less than me. I always try and think how lucky I am to have three healthy and thriving children.

But still, I feel your pain

Reconnect with your friends who don’t have children. We’re the experts at life without children.

I remember feeling like you when my DCs both left home the same month, one for uni and one for a new job.

It's weird to look back at how sad, heartbroken and lost I felt.

It was the exact same feeling that the only thing that gave me joy was being a mother and othing else will compare.

But actually, parenting never stops. It changes but doesn't stop. Well it hasn't for me yet with early to mid twenty something DCs!

And in time you do find other things to fill your life with, new hobbies, friends, different relationships with your DCs.

You are so young OP. Its not wonder its all a bit tricky as you were just out of childhood yourself.
I would try lots of nice things, pick up a sport (netball, football, running clubs are all social). I picked up football at 43 and love it.
Go to art classes, join a funky choir. Make an effort with old friends, organise holidays with them, or gigs or clubbing. Get a dog or do borrow my dog. They always love you!

Good advice from @zazazaaar
It sounds like you define your life as being a mother. You need to reframe your life as being you, not someone's mother/wife/girlfriend.

I was an older mother and had over 20 years of being an adult before DD was born, so from my point of view I can see that there is so much more to life than being a parent.

When DD went to university I joined a book group and a fund raising charity. We meet regularly, and I enjoy being able to make a positive difference to people's lives, as well as the friendship and cameraderie that goes along with it.

Do you work?

Do you work at the moment OP? If not, I would spend some of that time investigating what you would like to do in the future. You're quite young so there's plenty of time for a new career. There are lots of access courses out there if you did want to think about a degree or if you don't have English and maths (I assume you do as you write well) look into that.

One thing that you could think about if you enjoy planning activities for children is offering to help at your local rainbow or brownie unit. It can also look good on your application if you would like to go into teaching in the future.

Did you enjoy any sport at school? Do you like going to the gym, pilates?

Thank you. I do hope so. They all say they dont want kids when they are older at the moment but hopefully that will change when they are actually older 🤣

Hi, yes same, my husband works long hours too. Yeah I am extremely lucky and grateful too. Hopefully this feeling goes away

They may not. I'm one of five and none of my siblings have children, by choice.

Either way, I wouldn't bank on them providing you with a raison d'etre!

It's not surprising you feel lost, OP, as you were so young when you had your first child -- you hadn't developed an adult identity of your own yet. That's what you need to do now. See it as an exciting opportunity rather than a frightening void.

Do you work? That's an obvious place to start.

Hi,

I don't have any friends without children lol. I do find it difficult making new friends aswell (currently in the middle of being assessed for ADHD and that being part of the reason why).

Things will change with time i'm sure. (I hope)

Hi

Yes I do work, but part time. I may start looking for something with more hours soon.

Yeah I wouldn't push them into having kids if they don't want to. (I do hope that one day they will though).

Nice to know i'm not on my own in that feeling then lol. Yeah I know I will adjust eventually. It just feels weird as it feels like all I have ever known is being a mom.

Hi I do work, funnily enough I used to be a nursery nurse years ago, but I don't do that anymore (had a bad experience in one of the nurseries I worked in and it just put me off doing it anymore). I went into office work after and have done that since. I am not a very sporty person to be honest. I do have English and Maths and I have a Diploma too, i never went to Uni though, I never wanted to at the time... not sure I would be able to absorb the info now in Uni lol. (Would be crazy going to Uni the same time as my 18 year old 🤣🤣)

Hi, Yes I work part time and my husband works very long hours and yes you are right my life is defined by being a mom I guess

I would love a dog but the hubby doesn't like animals, so don't think that is an option lol and I have hypermobility which causes me a lot of pain so sports are out of the window... I am thinking of what hobbies I could start though or maybe clubs or something

I don't think it's all that unusual to be hitting university as a mature student at the same time as your school-leaver child. I'm an academic, and teach a lot of mature students (who are often a real breath of fresh air, bringing different stuff to seminars, often incredibly committed to whatever they're studying), and I certainly remember a mother-daughter duo in the same large lecture course when I was an undergraduate.

Don't rule it out. If there's something you would be interested in studying, think about an Access course.

I am thinking about it, not sure what yet... but definitely thinking about it

hello there,

i gotta tell you, my kids are still so young, but i feel like i am sinking into motherhood and losing my identity here.. hearing this from you gave me a boost. it means i am doing it right - i guess - but at the same time i feel you, sometimes i miss having a frame to put myself in other than being a mom. to be someone with hobbies and different interests and things to do.. i was just wondering if i can do both. also, i am reminding you that feeling proud; means you did it right. you should also be proud of yourself.

all i can suggest is to try finding new things to do; going to the gym or finding a hobby. you can also try one of these with your kids.

much support 💕

I don't have any advice, my dc are still young but I'm dreading this coming. I didn't have children until into my 30's so I should know how to adult/live my life without them but I feel everything was sort of leading up towards having children and I already feel lost at the thought of what I'll do once they don't need me so much.

You can definitely still do lots of sports with hypermobility. I have several health conditions, and work as a HCP, i'm always looking for things people can do despite chronic health.

You could do swimming, cycling, walking, synchronised swimming. Its really important to keep your muscles strong with hypermobility to protect your joints.

Obviously you could also sack yer husband off and replace him with a golden retriever 🦮😁

All of those things cause me alot of pain lol I do realise sometimes you have to push through it to get to the other side though I guess. And ha ha ha ha about the dog

It is such a horrible feeling. I guess I just have to find some way of getting used to it.

I remember when mine were young and I enjoyed going to work because it gave me a little time to be me instead of mom or wife but I do miss them being little so much now. Life just flies by so fast, I can't believe I have an 18 year old. Make the most of every moment is all I can say.

@Missingpieces1 would you consider volunteering for Home Start, library story time, or listening to children reading in primary school? Most places are desperate for enthusiastic volunteers and this might be a great way to spend time with children and give yourself a real sense of purpose.

Oh, and your children still need you, just in a different way. I’m nearly 40 and I still need my mum and dad 🙂