Anyone else struggling to know who they are as their children grow up?

[Missingpieces1]

Hi everyone,

Basically what the title says?

My eldest has just turned 18 and my youngest is 11 and just started secondary school.

As my kids are getting older and getting much more independent I feel like I don't know who I am anymore... I dont find joy in anything anymore really. I am on antidepressants (not for that reason but I guess it affects that a bit I suppose).

My biggest joy has always been my children and planning things for them etc. Now my eldest is an adult, my youngest doesn't need me much now. I don't know what to do with myself lol. The only things that have bought me joy for the past 18 years are doing things with my kids or things that make them happy I guess.

I probably sound like one of them overbearing parents but I don't let my children know that I feel this way and I am proud of them all and love watching them all become the older more grown up version of themselves.

I just feel like I don't really know who I am anymore without being a mom as my main purpose. I know I will always be their mom in a different way, it's just hard to take a step back I guess and know I am not needed now in the way I was.

I know people will probably say find things you enjoyed before you had kids but truth is I was 19 when I had my eldest and all I ever wanted was to be a mom. I didn't really have anything in my life that I enjoyed doing before kids.

I am not putting it all on my kids and will never let them know that this is how I feel. I want them to grow and live their own lives as they get older. I just want to know there are others that feel this way I guess and that its normal?

What did everyone else do that helped them?

You definitely have to gently push through the pain. Little and often. Otherwise you will get ina bad state in your 50/60s. I have lots of pain conditions that I do push through and I always feel better after.

Possibly. It is something I will have to have a think about.

I hope so lol (not that I would want them to not be able to cope without me though lol)

I tried swimming before and felt amazing in the water and when I got out I was in so much pain I couldn't move. Alot of things cause me alot of pain, but again, I suppose we have to try and push through them.

And this, this is the price we are paying for making kids the only centre of our entire universe. The kids have no resilience and their parents have no life outside of the children.

I realise I sound like an old harridan. I have two grown up daughters who were always the first priority in my life as a single mom. But I worked on my career and friendships and hobbies too. So when they left home I found it hard, I missed them, but also got to value and enjoy my new found freedom and identity.

You are lucky. My one is 12 and I don't know who she will be once she cross into adultghood. A homebody, adamantly refuses socialising without us

Lol don't worry, my 11 year old is like that too... its just the age I think lol. My 12 year old son doesn't mind being around us though... he is not bothered about being too cool lol (he is autistic so them things don't bother him)

Yeah I agree, I think you are probably right.

I always desperately wanted to be a mom and love it, it has definitely been the best time of my life... but I guess I didn't think them being this age would come around so quickly so didn't think past that part.

I will adjust... I have to.

I sympathise with you, but personally I am loving getting myself back

this is me.

There is a Facebook group for parents of students and it is full of "woe is me" mums who can't cope because their young person has left to go to university. They are so enmeshed in their children's lives that they are struggling to let go.

Maybe I will learn to love it lol

Well that's not quite my situation, I wouldn't let the kids know i'm feeling that way and wouldn't let them possibly feel guilty about it. It is hard for some people though and wouldn't judge anyone struggling with it. Everyone deals with these things differently or at different rates.

It is so hard when you have lost yourself over such a big portion of your life. I am sure we will all learn to cope in our own ways and rediscover ourselves

OP, I understand, and you're not alone. I had my first son at 22, he is now 15 and my youngest is 10, but 11 next month. I can only refer to the feeling I get, when it washes over me, as grief. A living grief for a time i will never ever experience again, i will never get to see their little faces, that version of them has gone. Luckily, we still do a lot together, and they are still young, and I will try and do things with them for as long as they'll let me.

Your 11 year old is still young, hold it, take them places, take a million pictures. You'll always be their Mother, it just looks different now.

Hi, aww yeah I know... grief is the perfect way to describe it! People always warn you to make the most of it when they are little but you don't listen and then before you know it they are teenagers lol.

@BitOutOfPractice This isn’t helpful.

How does an 11 year old not need you much anymore?

When I was eleven I still wasn't capable of being self.Sufficient in managing all my laundry and ironing and cooking all my meals.

I need an emotional support when I d had a bad day or fell out with friends. I needed support when I was doing my exams and getting mum to check things for me.

I wasn't old enough to stay out when I liked and and spend the entire weekend alone without my parents doing my own thing.

Must be some eleven year old you have

You still have quite a young child who won't be independent for quite some time.

Neither was that! 🙄

You could adopt or foster, maybe volunteer at a animal rescue? There's loads of things you could do to fulfill your need to look after others.

Clearly I wasn't talking about every single physical care need. She is independent as most 11 year olds are these days but yes I do still do her washing and cooking etc. She may not be capable of living on her own but thats obviously not what I meant... I meant she doesn't emotionally need me as much anymore!

I have been thinking about these things. Well... we will see where life takes us lol