What would you do? Tell the other parent or not?

[LambBot]

Last year my DS (9 at the time) starting acting up on class - class clown type stuff. It was a sudden change in behaviour. The teacher told me about the behaviours and asked me to talk to DS about it. He couldn't really explain except saying the teacher was picking on him. Anyway, quite separately, an opportunity came up where I was available to volunteer at the school and help sort out and fix school books. So I was able to sit in my DS class with a legitimate excuse but also able to observe his behaviour. After about an hour he forgot I was in the classroom. I was able to see that another child, J, was come alongside my side son and the two of them would get silly. J, however, was better at quietening down when the teacher was looking, hence DS getting the telling off. J and DS had not been in a class together before. I had a conversation about J with DS. DS said he liked J, J made him laugh, he was good fun. I explained that he can have classroom friends and playground friends, that J was a better playground friend than a classroom friend. He got the point and was able to separate from J in the class without breaking the friendship.

The issue is a year later and J and DS are in different classrooms and only casual playground friends. At a sports game one of the other mums was mentioning how her DS, T, was acting out in class. It sounded very similar to my issue last year. I briefly mentioned that I was able to observe the class room dynamics and was able to help my DS, but her work is more inflexible and she is not able to do the same. I know J and T are in the same class. I don't know J and his parents other than by sight. T's mum I only know through sport sideline conversations so we are casual acquaintances.

I feel very uncomfortable talking about J and is behaviour to another parent, but should I? I feel like I have given enough hints through my own experience without disclosing J as a possible common factor. Should I say more? What if I did and the issue isn't J at all? But what if it is? I thought about mentioning it to J/T teacher, but I don't really know her as she is new this year and not my DS teacher.

No you absolutely shouldn’t badmouth another child in the class to the parent. It is morally reprehensible to gossip about a child and plant that seed. You would be misusing knowledge you got from your volunteer position which could be a confidentiality issue. As you say, you have no idea if it’s the same child. That poor child.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Your DS is in a different class now, the behaviour/silliness with J is no longer an issue for you personally, so I’d leave well alone.

No, absolutely not. Firstly, I don’t think this other boy is to blame. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour. If your ds can’t quiet down fast enough that it’s being disruptive, well, he needs to learn to. That’s no one’s responsibility but his to have a handle on.

But you have absolutely no idea if this child is the issue. You aren’t observing the class regularly. It could simply be this child is struggling. It doesn’t have to be anyone else’s fault. But, no, I’d stay well out of it. It’s not your place. And really from a confidentiality perspective, you shouldn’t be sharing any information about students outside of your volunteer role at the school.

No, it's probably irrelevant. Don't bother. She'll probably mention it to Js mum or it'll get back to her and then you look like a dick. You've offered her a great solution of volunteering so there's nothing more to say.

Absolutely not. Did you not get any guidelines about volunteering in school? In the school where I volunteer you would have done, and one important point is confidentiality - volunteers must never share with others any information they pick up in school about other children. If you were found to have broken this rule you would never be allowed to volunteer in school again.

In any case, you have no reason to think the child who you believe caused your DS's poor behaviour has anything to do with the other child's bad behaviour. Every child is responsible for their own behaviour and other children’s behaviour issues are not your business.

I wouldn't.

my DS is older now (high school) and there are still friends he messes about in class far more than others (teachers seating plans work well here) and it is just as much on him as it is the others - and the others have more to complain about DS so far just about manages to know where the line is and keep himself the right side

your son was responsible for his behaviour and is likely to do the same again with another child - he is responsible and him alone

as he gets older the number of Js willing to talk and laugh in class is only going to grow - all both you can do is help your son manage that and understand the consequences
Your DS and T aren’t victims of J they are all the same

No, I think you are making too much of an assumption, but if you really feel you need to say something, pass the info to the school

@LambBot what you can ask the school though is that the two of them aren’t together as they are bad influences on each other - which is true they are in the classroom environment

You should feel uncomfortable as it could be anything and it is not necessarily J.

There's a lot of assumptions going on.

Absolutely not. The information you have is through personal observations of your son, whilst you were in a volunteering role. You shouldn't be discussing what you saw/or information you may have been told, with other parents. That's something that you should have been advised about by the school before you started volunteering. It's possible you are correct, but you don't know for sure. Not your responsibility or issue.

As everyone else has said…just no. What you’re suggesting is pure gossip about a child. Gossip you’ve only obtained from sitting in on your child’s class and making your own assumptions. It would be really shitty to badmouth a child like this to another parent. If you genuinely have concerns speak to the school but I still don’t think it’s your place.

Keep out of it nothing to do with you

No keep out, not your problem.

No don't do it.

Were you not asked to sign a confidentiality agreement as a volunteer?

I disagree in that they're just kids so it isnt badmouthing at all.

You could say that The other boy is great fun but your son was getting carried away wheras the other boy was better at reigning his behaviour in. You explained about classroom and playground friends and that solved the problem.

How would you feel if there was another Mystery Mum from your class who was chatting to J's mum about how her son was suddenly getting in trouble and T's mom warned her it's probably because mystery mums son is in a class with your ds. If you'd support that then warn T's mum, if you wouldn't want someone talking about your ds then don't mention J.

You don't have to be specific. You can tell her that you had a similar problem with your DS and it boiled down to your DS being easily distracted by another child/children when he should have been concentrating (no need to name or even say that this particular child is now in her DS's class). So you had the conversation that you have describe to us with your DS and he was better able to put off talking to other children until break time.

Nope youre making massive assumptions. Mind your own business.

Wtf? Why would you even think of it? You don't know anything about their situation.

Concentrate on teaching your child not to get involved with those that can’t follow simple rules or you’ll have bigger issues on your doorstep as they get older if you don’t.

Did they not speak to you about confidentiality when you volunteered at the school? Of course you can't tell her!

So any 9 year old boy that starts to misbehaving that school is Js fault? Even though he had better control over his behaviour than your son? I get that some kids can be a bad influence, but 9 year old boys are very capable of messing around all by themselves. J doesn't really sound like he has done much wrong here. Especially not to justify getting labelled as a trouble maker purely because your son couldn't control his behaviour around him.

Thanks to all who provided some positive feedback. I think the real issue is that I have a strong need to solve problems even those other than my own. I knew this was a dubious situation and this post confirmed it. If the sideline mum raises it again I will reinforce that if she has concerns she needs to find time with the teacher. If it was a close friend I would help her think about different strategies she can use for her own child and keeping my own specific situation quiet. Thanks again for the useful feedback

To take a different tack - the current culture for treating everything as private and not talking about what you've seen to others makes it very difficult for individuals to make good decisions. If you don't get information that would be important and are left in the dark, you can't make the best of your situation. The school aren't going to tell this woman if J is influencing her child (and from what you say, OP, they may not know it's happening as he's good at keeping off the teacher's radar).

Generally speaking, keeping information to authorities or other specific groups and not letting that information become generally known gives individuals less power and makes it harder for them to avoid harm, better their situation or be treated equally.

Based on that understanding of informal networks - It's not unreasonable, or unethical to tell her more explicitly what happened for your DS and how you dealt with. You don't have to bad mouth J. Just point out that both kids were acting up together but your DS was unable to calm it down when it counted so you suggested he treat J as a playground friend and the problem eased up.

But it's also not unreasonable for you to think this is not your problem. You aren't obliged to help out a fellow mum by being explicit about your own DS's problems.