What would you do? Tell the other parent or not?

[LambBot]

Last year my DS (9 at the time) starting acting up on class - class clown type stuff. It was a sudden change in behaviour. The teacher told me about the behaviours and asked me to talk to DS about it. He couldn't really explain except saying the teacher was picking on him. Anyway, quite separately, an opportunity came up where I was available to volunteer at the school and help sort out and fix school books. So I was able to sit in my DS class with a legitimate excuse but also able to observe his behaviour. After about an hour he forgot I was in the classroom. I was able to see that another child, J, was come alongside my side son and the two of them would get silly. J, however, was better at quietening down when the teacher was looking, hence DS getting the telling off. J and DS had not been in a class together before. I had a conversation about J with DS. DS said he liked J, J made him laugh, he was good fun. I explained that he can have classroom friends and playground friends, that J was a better playground friend than a classroom friend. He got the point and was able to separate from J in the class without breaking the friendship.

The issue is a year later and J and DS are in different classrooms and only casual playground friends. At a sports game one of the other mums was mentioning how her DS, T, was acting out in class. It sounded very similar to my issue last year. I briefly mentioned that I was able to observe the class room dynamics and was able to help my DS, but her work is more inflexible and she is not able to do the same. I know J and T are in the same class. I don't know J and his parents other than by sight. T's mum I only know through sport sideline conversations so we are casual acquaintances.

I feel very uncomfortable talking about J and is behaviour to another parent, but should I? I feel like I have given enough hints through my own experience without disclosing J as a possible common factor. Should I say more? What if I did and the issue isn't J at all? But what if it is? I thought about mentioning it to J/T teacher, but I don't really know her as she is new this year and not my DS teacher.

But it’s not your problem to solve? As others have said, discipline and good behaviour begins at home. Focus on parenting your own child instead of breaking confidentiality, stirring the pot and blaming one CHILD for the misbehaviour of others. Teach your child to make the right choices and not join in either any nonsense. That will stand them in better stead later in life. You are also seriously undermining the school.

Of course you should speak to the other mother op. It takes a village to raise a child. These not my circus types are sad examples of a selfish society

I think this is a sensible decision. It may come to light that your own child behaved much more badly when you were not there. It might be your child that other parents are discussing, I think you may not like that.

I think with respect @LambBot the other issue is you seem to think J is the issue and he isn’t - he sounds no worse than your son or the other child, indeed he seems to be aware of the boundaries and yours wasn’t

saying I had this with mine and this is what I am trying to do makes sense

and word of advice solving your sons problems isn’t the solution either long term - mum getting involved at high school isn’t going to fly

Let children be children. They will encounter peer influence all throughout their life, whether positive or negative. It’s up to the parent to do their best to teach right from wrong and what to do in certain situations, so the child and later adult can decide what behaviour they should model and adopt, who they should befriend, how to act etc. Forced segregation or ostracising a child isn’t good for anyone, it doesn’t teach how to problem solve while it can damage the other child’s self esteem leading to further acting out.

The well behaved child stops talking and is in the wrong and the class villain? The immature dc keep talking and being silly but they are sinned against? The only lesson from this is that the silly immature boys need to wise up. They’d the message I would pass to the mum of T. T has the system sussed!

Keep your nose out if it. You are way too involved.

No, of course not! You don't gossip about kids.