Any legal professionals around? How likely is the court to grant this?

[questionaboutson]

Ex husband has been fighting for a week on and week off arrangement with our children.

I am strongly opposed to this for 2 main reasons:

1. The youngest has just turned 5 and cries every time she has to go to her dad’s and has to be pulled off me by him when I drop her off. Even the eldest struggles sometimes. I feel a week is a long time.
2. I am self employed and it will massively affect my ability to financially support myself and the children, especially during school holidays.

Ex husband is now saying if I don’t agree by a certain date we are going to court.

How likely is it that a court will agree with him?

What's the current arrangement? Why is he pressing for the change?

Quite likely if he can provide good reasons. It means your 5 year old gets " pulled off you" less often.This is assuming that he has them a fair amount now and is an OK parent.

Yes he’s an ok parent. Arrangement at the moment is almost 50:50, there’s only 1 day in it.

The reason he’s pressing for the change is for value/religious reasons. He believes it’s his duty to instil a particular religion into the children and I am an atheist (an atheist with good values I might add). He believes that having longer stretches of time with them will enable him to do this.

there is also a huge resource/financial disparity between us.

if it goes to court I will be representing myself, he will have the best solicitor going.

It's almost 50/50 now? I'm sorry to say I would advise you to agree and avoid court. It's likely he would win and it would be a lot of stress for you.

I don’t mind agreeing to 50:50, it’s the week on week off that would cripple me

Have you sorted out your finances yet? Maybe you could suggest that he pays all childcare in order for you both to work?

Finances are done and dusted, we’ve been divorced for over a year now

If you’re not against 50/50 I would stick with week on week off. Two days here three days there would be more disruptive for the children. It would be more consistent for them and help them understand what is happening. Working in the holidays is tricky and I do feel for you as it’s an impossible juggle. Is there a way to have them in an activity when it’s your week in the holidays so you can keep work ticking over. I know not all careers can be adapted to do this.

If you're already doing 50/50 then actually I think it would be a lot more stable for the children to do a week at each house than 2 or 3 days with one parent and the changing mid way through the week. I suspect this is part of the reason they are so upset because it is not a consistent schedule and they have no idea of where they will be at any given moment.

I appreciate it will be challenging work wise but I can't see a judge not granting the request if it goes to court.

The children are pretty much fine with it all, it’s only the youngest that misses me, and that’s not because of the rota, it’s because she doesn’t like being at her dads.

Do you have any solicitors near you? If so, I would phone and ask them if they offer a free half hour. Many solicitors still do this. It isn’t going to give you the time for them to actually act for you but it will give you the opportunity to get an unbiased legal view of what May or may not be likely. Look up local law schools too, they often have pro bono clinics - yes they’re students but they’re usually towards end of their training and always should be supervised.
For me, you have a couple of very strong arguments against his proposal IF you can word them and express them well I think the court would have to take at least time to consider.

1. the impact on your ability to provide for the children. This isn’t insurmountable, the court could take a view that this could be ironed out with some form of financial agreement.
2. Your strongest point is the views of your children. Family courts increasingly want to hear the voice of the child/children. Start taking notice if you haven’t already of when their distress begins - is it just changeover day? Or any time before? How do they feel about the one on one off prospect? Yes the court may decide fewer changeovers = less distress BUT it can also be argued that the distress is greater.

It's expected that a 5 year old might struggle with transitions. It's not going to be considered a valid reason to restrict contact with the other parent and noting down how distressed they are etc isn't likely to be considered favourably by a court.

I think the religious instruction is of concern. (And I have a faith) Is his pushing for more time to 'indoctrinate', particularly when they are so young actually more likely to harm them? He can easily chat about his faith whenever he's with them....
Or is he pushing for 50/50 to avoid maintenance but things a comment about religious teaching sounds better?
For you, if the time split is working (or not, if your 5 year old is deeply unhappy) then it maybe worth letting your ex take you to court.
I would get some legal input though, to ensure you are arguing what is in the best interest if your children.
It might also be worth trying to get to the bottom of what your daughter doesn't like about her dad's. Wonder if the religious side is off-putting. Possibly ask the school to see if her behaviour is different when she's with her dad or with you. Get the school on board with the set up, as they can be a valuable independent witness to what's happening.

Pushing a religion sounds pretty bleak. I'd expect the judge to be wary of a dad pushing that. And your ex needs to realise that children have minds of their own . I'd be digging my heels in for that alone. It will cost him an expensive solicitor and you just your time.

I would focus on it not being ok for a 5 year old to be away from mum (or indeed either parent) for week long stretches. Because it isn't. Anyone who wants their 5 year old to be away from mum for a week at a time isn't a good dad.

Your ability to work I would keep out of the conversation/court papers though. That's not about what's best for the children. Can't you adapt your working pattern instead (if needed). I think this is a weak argument and one I would stay away from if possible

Why would a court take a dim view of a patent wanting to teach their child their religious views? Parents have the right to do that. The OP can counter his views during her time if she wants.
Arguing that week on week off is worse than 4:3 3:4 also doesn't stand up when you're claiming the transitions are the difficult point for the kids as this generates double the number of transitions.

one day courts and Cafcass will eventually wake up and realise kids are difficult about transitions when one parent is domineering and uncomfortable to live with.

Just want to say thank you everyone for the thoughts so far, I really appreciate the time you’ve taken. Please keep giving me more feedback if you have it

They may seem fine but it's obviously having an impact on them to not have a consistent schedule. Children, especially young children thrive on routine so I don't think what he's requesting would be a terrible idea as it would give them a clearer idea of where they were and would reduce the amount of hand overs which is something your children find challenging.

I would also take not liking being at her dad's with a pinch of salt. Realistically five year olds don't like lots of things but that doesn't mean they get to make decisions on not doing them.

Courts are likely to agree. I had this arrangement from my Dc being 6. It was hard at first for me but worked out well. I personally think it’s more disruptive for a child to be spending a couple of days at a time with each parent, especially if handovers are tricky. We arranged the handover to be on a Friday after school - I would pick DC up from the childminders with all her stuff and the following Friday drop Dc at the childminders in the morning with her things.
As for work, you’ll be able to get so much more done in the week you don’t have your children.

@Soontobe60

unfortunately due to the nature of my work it requires weekly consistency, it’s very important. So this partly is why it’s such a huge issue for me. My currently successful business, which allows me to be present and flexible for the children, will massively suffer and may even fold.

Sometimes, other times not. One of my DSC has always struggled with transitions and her dad is extremely kind, mild and fun and she has a lovely time. It's the transition she finds hard, not being with her dad. It doesn't mean she shouldn't be coming.

Why can't you use childcare?

Totally agree.

I don’t see why Ex’s religious values would be more important than OPs ability to work consistently. I’m wondering if H is using this so that he doesn’t have to pay, whereas in fact with such a big financial discrepancy it may be the case that he doesn’t need to pay . OP, don’t know the rules on this but you should investigate the CMS aspect.
I Think the fact that a 5 year old struggles being away from their mum for a week at a time IS an important factor, and she might well find it easier to be separated for a shorter amount of time. Ex’s demands are to benefit him, and he doesn’t seem to be putting the children’s needs first. It is his wants that are the basis of his demands, his religious views which he is seeking to impose, against the wishes of OPs atheism. Atheism is a valid position OP, reading between the lines it sounds as if he has implied that your views are of less importance than his. You don’t have to justify atheism by adding that you have good values.
OP, I think you need legal advice. Maybe someone here can signpost you to an organisation where you can get some for free, maybe Citizens Advice might be a starting point?