Stepmum kicked 10 year old out

[Alymummy81]

Posting on behalf of my friend. Trying to keep a long story short but with all the facts so sorry if a long read.
My friends partner left her 4 years ago for the woman hes with now. They have a 10 yr old daughter together, she has 2 children. Friends daughter has really struggled but goes there 2 nights a week, theyre respectful and nice but does not get on with stepmum.
For 4 years there's been issues with dad and stepmum choosing her children over dads and caring more about his new family more than his child.
She gets the blame for everything and is always shouted at and gets called names. Stepmum has called her rude and arrogant.
She regularly comes home with missing toys never to be seen again and insists her children have them. Bio mum knows their missing but cant say if stepmums kids are playing with them.
When mum talks to dad about issues that happen there she is always dismissed and is told it never happened and daughter is lying. Mum doesn't see this side of her at home as shes a loving, kind and happy girl. Dad says that shes a liar and needs to be taught a lesson as shes always wrong and cant admit that shes wrong about things.
This weekend, another argument happened at dads house over the missing toys, their daughter is adamant that they've seen her kids playing with them and hiding them when she walks in.
At home one of her toys she actually brought back was broken, she said her child did it, I asked dad and he dismissed it and called her a liar. Stepmum has now kicked her out, handed all belongings there back and threw the bed away. Calling her an arrogant liar. Dad says she overreacting but understands as her kids always get the blame. Today she admitted to breaking the toy herself wanting to get her own back and them in trouble as she is blamed for everything in that house. Obviously explained that it was wrong and mum is livid and has punished her. she has apologised. Stepmum has text mum abuse and says shes not allowed near her house again. Dad wants her in therapy and says that everything she says is a lie. Daughter is saying this is the only time she has lied. Mum thinks shes just crying out for attention as there's never 1:1 time with dad

Is stepmum within her rights to kick a child out?

Why would the mum want her child going there?

Whose house is it? If it’s SM’s, yes she has every right. And it sounds like she is protecting her children from constantly being blamed for everything.

Stop laying all the blame on the step mum and letting the dad off. He’s her actual parent.

It sounds better for all for her to stop staying for a bit and dad can take her out to spend time with her.

Her mum has no idea what she’s like at her dad’s but the status quo clearly isn’t working for anyone.

1. Whose house is it?
2. Doesn't sound like the daughter wants to be there at all - is there a legal obligation for her to stay there overnight?
3. No one knows what the daughter is like when she is there - unless they are there too. Not saying she's lying (although she did once of course), just the objective truth of the matter.
4. Dad sounds completely useless - this is for him to manage both in terms of his daughter and her interactions/relationship with others in the house.

I would imagine the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

The girl was 6yo when dad moved out and into the home of another woman who already had 2 children.

Im sure at times her behaviour was attention seeking. She would have felt threatened and needing to make her stand in the home her dad lived in FT with 2 other children.

Sounds like her dad has totally failed to notice how she feels and help her feel secure and included. Help her feel loved, safe and valued in his home.

The relationship hasn’t just broken down - it was never built in the first place.

Make sure your friend now makes sure his CMS payments reflect the no overnight stays.

Focus on helping a 10yo girl feel loved rather than judged. She knows what did that was right and what she did that was wrong. She doesn’t need to have everyone holding that against her or trying to figure it out for her. she needs the adults in her life to make her feel valued and loved.

She doesn't. But also doesn't want to stop a relationship with dad.

If it’s the Stepmum’s house, of course she can. No one can say what she is like at their house unless they’ve been there. Not sure why your friend would want to send her back anyway.

Agree with PP that this has all been put on the SM and the father is hardly mentioned - it’s his child to sort out. As a SM, I can see why you would hit your limit if your partner was not sorting the issues caused by his child.

Sounds better she stays with her mum and sees her DF outside of his home for how. File for CMS to be adjusted.

But then the daughter gets blamed for everything?
Could be a mixture of both.

Even if a 10 year old child was stealing toys, I would absolutely not:

Call a child an 'arrogant liar'

Text their parent abusive messages

Throw their bed away

Kick them out.

I would speak to my ex about taking our child out at weekends rather than spending any time around this dreadful person. I absolutely would not want them around someone like that.

Its awful for children being forced into situations they haven't asked for and dont want. My daughter would not be going back there, whoever is at fault its not really fair on any of the children. The SM sounds like a bitch and the father needs to step up and care for his daughter. Speak firmly with your ex and tell him to sort it out 😡

It is stepmums house.
No legal obligation, daughter wants to be with dad and just wants attention and 1:1 with him
Yes we (me and mum) both think there may be exaggeration from daughters side of what goes on there, but dad has admitted stepmum called her an arrogant liar
Dad is useless, hes very manipulative and a liar himself. Emotionally abused mum and shes still a bit scared of him imo

Step mum sounds like a nasty bitch. No wonder the child is so unhappy she’s taken to doing strange things to try and get someone to care how she’s feeling.

Who knows what actually happened, but the adults aren't covering themselves in glory treating a child like this for two years between the ages of eight and ten. Of course she now has "issues".

To be honest it's entirely possible she's a horror at her father and step mother's house, but they've created the monster themselves. It's their fault for not handling the "blended family" situation in a thoughtful and planned and scrupulously - and overtly, very deliberately, fair way, with the expectation that it's difficult for the children especially the "outsider" child, the expectation of boundary testing and a deliberate agreement to be patient and calm and understanding as well as consistent with boundaries...and they're blaming the child.

Blended families don't usually work. When they do it's usually because all the children are wanted by all the adults - which is rare. Tbh nobody who has a child should remarry or move in with anyone who doesn't want to be a step parent or to keep out of the way and say nothing and give the parents plenty of room to be parents. Most people don't want to do either of those and should stick with separate homes.

It’s step mums house so she has every right.

The only person to blame here is dad as his daughter is his responsibility.

It sounds like everyone has their part to play in this whole thing. Mum, Dad, daughter and step mum.
But right now it’s just about how to move forward.

She's 10 ffs of course she isn't 'within her rights to kick her out'

Although I agree with you, I also think the language in the OP is completely misleading and emotive:

"Stepmum kicked ten year old out" is just cheap rage bait unless the child was at her stepmother's house for a planned overnight and the stepmum put her out on the street.

The stuff in the OP about selling the bed and sending her toys home rather suggests that the father's wife has returned the child's belongings and is refusing to host her father's two nights per week contact, but not that the daughter was there and put out the door with her suitcase slung after her.

This means the child's father needs to sort out somewhere to stay with his daughter two nights per week.

The stepmum doesn't come out of the story well obviously, but what's actually happening when you look past the hyperbole and emotive language is that the father has messed up the only place he had available to have his daughter overnight, and can now only do contact outside the house.

Are there paternal grandparents who could host their son and grandchild two nights per week?

Sorry what? If it’s the stepmum’s house, of course she can kick her out. I’d be kicking the useless father out at the same time if I were her.

She has her own children to prioritise. The 10 yo’s parents should do the same.

Maybe friends daughter could see her dad away from the home as a way to maintain a relationship with him. She shouldn’t. Be made to see him if she doesn’t want to though

That poor young girl no one believes her. Dad and mum don't support her.
Yes she might be lying but needs to be helped.

The Dad needs to take her out a couple of times a week, no step kids, and build his relationship with her.

So 10 yo says she gets blamed for everything and actually it's all the fault of the younger children, but in the only incident where you actually know what went on, she admitted that she broke a toy on purpose and then lied to try to pin blame on the younger children. And yet you are surprised that the Stepmum considers her to be a liar?

It sounds like the Stepmum has overreacted but it also sounds like the daughter has a pattern of making false allegations against her, her Dad and her siblings. What she's done is quite calculated and she sounds intensely jealous of the younger two.

Having said all that, we're hearing all this 3rd hand and it's really not healthy for you to be this engaged in the drama.

Sounds like her childhood has really been hijacked.

As it’s her home the step mum is absolutely within her rights to prioritise her own children who aren’t happy and say she’s no longer hosting her partner’s daughter if she thinks that’s necessary for her own family unit’s best interests. He’s absolutely welcome to find a new place to live and have his daughter there.

How would you frame it? 'Stepmother has banished child from her house?'
The sentiments are the same.
She didnt sell the bed, shes put it out for the rag and bone man to collect.

There are no family on dads side as all disowned him for being a serial liar and narcissist

Dad is useless, hes very manipulative and a liar himself. Emotionally abused mum and shes still a bit scared of him imo

Then Mum should be happy dad's time is going to be limited...

Pushing the child to have a relationship with a man like that is doing her no favours whatsoever in the long term.