Full time career with two young DC- Feeling completely overwhelmed- how do you manage day-to-day life?

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Hi everyone,
I’m really hoping for some practical advice because I just feel like I’m drowning at the moment.

I’m a full-time deputy headteacher with two young children, a daughter who’s 5 and a son who’s 1.5. My husband also works full-time as a project engineer, often doing both days and nights, so the majority of the home and childcare load tends to fall to me. We’re currently paying off around £40k in credit card debt from spending well outside our means with our wedding and general life (holidays etc) in previous years, so dropping my hours isn’t an option right now.

I’m finding it so hard to stay on top of everything- the house is always a mess despite having a cleaner once a fortnight (it doesn’t even touch the sides). We moved into a new build three years ago and it already feels worn and untidy, with rooms still not decorated, which adds to the overwhelm. The laundry never ends, the life admin (kids’ activities, birthdays, school stuff, etc.) feels relentless, and by the weekend I just want to be present for my children- they barely see us during the week, but I’m usually so exhausted and surrounded by chores that I end up feeling guilty no matter what I do. So I end up just wanting to scroll on my phone as I'm so emotionally drained.

I’d really appreciate any practical tips or routines that have worked for others in a similar situation - especially around managing the house, staying organised, and protecting a bit of family time and sanity.

Thank you if you’ve read this far - I know lots of us are juggling so much, but I just feel like I’m not managing it well at all right now.

In a similar situation with full time work and young kids.

The best thing I’ve done is outsource more chores - expensive, but I have a cleaner who now comes for basically a day a week and does cleaning, laundry, tidying etc. It means everything is reset once a week and I don’t spend my evenings and weekends thinking about chores.

I am also exhausted, but this makes me feel more on top of it all.

Your DH doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything really - why not? You need to get him doing more, you’re both working full time so his hours are no excuse really.

Unfortunately the main thing that helps is the kids growing up and becoming more independent! When they were that age I'm afraid I cooked a lot of beige food, watched quite a lot of TV, went for long walks, and didn't really worry about the housework. The washing is painful, we used to switch it to a timer so that a load was done every morning before we got up and could be chucked in the dryer before we went to work.

Online grocery shopping.
Laundry every day.
10 min housework blitz daily.
Slow cooker meals.

Automate everything you can, so all bills paid by direct debit

Your husband needs to pull his weight, it shouldn't all be down to you!

In terms of the house, some of it let it go but decide what matters and do just that. Try to have a place for everything and put it back there but accept that this won't always work!

Can you increase the cleaner hours and get her to tidy as well? My cleaners always tidy as well and I make it clear that this helps me as much as the cleaning.

Is the credit card debt on 0%? If not, and if your credit rating is good enough, move it all to 0% and then at least your monthly payments will pay off some capital

Good luck, it's really hard, those ages.

I disagree with the "laundry every day" brigade.

I swopped over to "all laundry once a week" as recommended by Dana K White and it is lifechanging. 6 whole days everyweek with no laundry! Yay!

Also recommend buying as much as you can on Amazon subscribe and save so they deliver regularly, monthly say, things like toilet rolls, dishwasher tablets and you don't even have to think about it.

Same situation as you and no real practical advice, I think for me what has helped is just accepting that things will be chaotic for a few years and I’ve had to lower my standards, house is never as clean as I’d like, too much stuff everywhere but no time to sort it. I have also accepted that I will have no time to myself in this phase of life, due to the nature of my work and two young kids, I am quite literally either working or spending time with them, or trying to get a few hours sleep! Our house also needs work/decorating but the months/years pass without anything getting done as on the weekend we try to prioritise spending time with the kids before they start school and get busy with their own activities. As a PP said, the only thing that will really help is the kids getting older and less needy, and according to everyone I know with older kids, the time flies by so just trying to comfort myself with that without wishing away the toddler/preschooler years!

The solidarity on here has reassured me so much that I'm not alone in feeling like this.

The practical advice is great too- I leave all my washing until the weekend and it mounts up so much so I think I'm going to give the daily over night one a go and see how that helps!

Bless you I think you’ll be doing an Amazing job already and just don’t know how good you are as you’re setting yourself impossibly high standards. If you can try to make the time with the little ones as quality as you can- chatting with the 5 yo over teatime or having fun at bath time with 1.5 yo. Then story time each day. Then that’s amazing parenting already… and lower your standards at the weekends. Parks and walks in the woods etc is good fun and low cost plus the added bonus of nature. Would your husband be able to take them both swimming? A few mum friends have found this amazing for getting their housework done once hubby can manage this activity but I appreciate this may depend on the younger one and the older ones ability to swim. If not then could you look into werkend swim lesson for the 5 yo that daddy takes her to while he swims with the younger one? Should give you 2/3 hours to get stuff done and maybe a hot cuppa to yourself.
Above all- start recognising the work you’re already doing and don’t be so hard on yourself.

@fourelementary that just bought a tear to my eye thank you so much (I'm very overtired and emotional after a 5am wake up 😅)

Lots of you suggested about getting the cleaner weekly instead of monthly which will cost us around an extra £80 a month so I need to go and see our budget to whether we can stretch to that. We are trying to fly everything at the credit cards to try and take that pressure off but honestly there isn't much left at the end of the month once bills and nursery fees are taken out 😭 I feel like we both work so hard with good jobs running ourselves into the ground and still have nothing extra to show for it at the end of the month with the cost of living!

Run the maths for you working less - it actually might be better value for you to not work 5 days with less nursery/more flexibility. Once they are in school, working 4 days means you have a day of catchup which is invaluable.

However we both currently work FT… this is what helps:

(1) cleaner weekly
(2) if WFH get to laundry zero
(3) wipe down before bed and reset
(4) wake up 15min earlier and we have coffee in bed together - really changes the mood
(5) childcare without work periodically, for you this will be in the holidays, allowing a reset
(6) batch cooking - we roast two chickens on Sundays and keep the meat for recooking in the evenings, I do children’s snacks, and usually something slow-cooked (bolognaise etc)

And once they are a bit older and the younger can go to school nursery, a babysitter/nanny twice a week after school to feed them properly on those days, cut down the school run and take out some homework.

it’s really hard. Can you give yourself a break on the credit cards and add to the mortgage etc for now? It will get SO much easier financially when they are both in school

A weekly cleaner will definitely help if you can stretch to it. Is your house cluttered? If so committing 15 minutes a day can really help. I sorted out our children's bathroom last night in 15 minutes. Binned a whole load of tat and tidied what was left. Just a small amount of time really does make a difference. Audio books or podcasts help me redeem the time I spend on chores. Makes a daily load of washing bearable as I listen to something as I sort out the endless laundry.

If it helps I can tell you that this is probably as hard as it will ever be. My kids are grown up now and life is much, MUCH easier. I'm glad I was able to get through those early years with my career intact and I am now looking at a comfortable retirement unlike many of my contemporaries who opted for part time hours at that stage of life and are now struggling to rebuild their careers. If you can plough through, it will get better.

There must be jobs your husband can do though. Even if they happen when the kids are in bed. It's not good for you to shoulder this alone, bit also not good to model this to your children

Solidarity. I only have a 1 year old and struggling anyway. The exhaustion is real. People tried to warn me pre-baby but I never imagined it would be this hard. Mine still wakes 2-4 times a night too.

We hired a painter as the redecorating just wasn't happening. It wasn't as expensive as we expected, and it made us declutter as we had to empty the rooms to have it done. House looks SO much better and has lifted our spirits. Worth considering OP, although appreciate you have the credit card debt.

My DC are 5 and 7 now and in the last year or so are much more able to entertain themselves, so it's hugely easier to stay on top of chores.

I run. Only thing that keeps me sane. I have a full time stressful senior job and DH works full time too.

I get up early and get a morning run in before the rest of the house is up. If that's not possible for whatever reason (eg DH has to leave super early or is working away) then I run on my lunch or incorporate it into my commute (eg drop kids at school/nursery) on foot and run from there.
It's hard to get into the swing of things when the kids are really small and was particularly tough when I was still BFing, but I find that time when I'm out there just for me - no phone, no kids, no team at work - gets my head straight.

Aside from that, I also have a cleaner once a fortnight to do the deeper cleaning and just wipe round/hoover in between.

I'm not too fussy about dinners - eg I don't cook something elaborate every night. Sometimes tea is just eggs on toast/ jacket potatoes/ pasta and sauce. And that's fine.

I keep on top of laundry as having it build up would be too stressful for me. Often I shove it in before my morning run so it's ready to hang up when I'm back.

Life admin is the bit I struggle with most but I find completely relying on Amazon Prime for classmates' birthday presents and packs of cards helps. Yes I know it's bad for the environment and doesnt support independent shops etc. But every so often I'll buy say, four Lego sets and shove them in a cupboard so they're there when the next party invitation arrives.

Finally, lower your standards a bit. I struggle with things not being perfect but need to accept I'm not at a "perfect" stage of life right now!

Your DH needs to step up and share the load with you.

Do things in small chunks, and lower your standards. I work full time, lone parent, and find this works best.

Have a repertoire of fast weekday suppers. Nothing takes more than 15 mins effort.

I clean one room per evening. Quick hoover, dust, change bed, tidy up. Takes 15 mins, usually while supper is cooking.

I do 3 loads of washing on a Friday night, then it can spend as long as it likes drying over the weekend.

Redecorating - I've booked Jan 1st & 2nd to do my sitting room. Decorations come down first thing, then dust sheets down.

Weekend meals are made to last two or three meals - eg roast pork on Sunday, I cook enough to use for fast-cook sweet&sour pork on Wednesday. Chilli on Friday night, I make three times the amount and freeze two separate meals-worth etc

Well done on driving down the credit card debt.

Honestly, if you are paying down £40k of debt, I wouldn’t be dropping money on a cleaner. You need to do more little jobs day to day and your Dh needs to do more by the sounds of it.

If you are out of the house 8-5/6 every day, I can’t imagine the kids are creating too much mess. Do little jobs. While they are in the bath, you do a quick tidy of the bathroom. Washing on every night before bed if you have a full load or if mornings are chaotic, into washing machine at night but turn on before leaving in the morning so you can unload it in the afternoon.

Your Dh can’t possibly be working so much that he’s doing nothing. When my 2 were small, I left for the train at 6am and got home at 7/8pm. I did my meal planning and online food shopping on the train (Dh could do on a break if not commuting). I got home in time to take over bedtime and then Dh did dishwasher and tidied kitchen/downstairs. Long days at work mean he can jump in with cleaning and sorting when he gets home.

Take turns taking the kids out on the weekend while the other takes 2 hours to do something. Dh will take kids to the playground or on a walk on a Saturday morning and I can hoover and mop the whole downstairs and tidy the lounge and then it’s like 11am and we’re free the rest of the weekend for family stuff.

Do not iron clothes
Online shop with delivery
Cook the same meals on rotation over each week so same food order each time or over two weeks
Washing machine each day Heated airer or tumble dry
Do something for you eg 45 minutes walk run x 3 a week dh stays with dc while you do this and vice versa for him
Remeber you get long off school breaks
Remeber kids will grow older and more independent

Birthdays- buy a huge job lot of children’s birthday cards, wrapping paper and presents so whenever a party invite arrives you’ve already got what you need at home.

Sounds exhausting for you! My boys are now much older but here are my suggestions based on what we have done:

DH needs to cook twice a week. It doesn’t matter if he has a job! He’s also part of the household and needs to help. We had a slow cooker, DH had 4 recipes that he mastered 😁 and it was his job to get food ready on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I don’t care if he cooks in the evening for next day or in the morning before work. The show cooker is great for this.

cleaner once a week, it’s expensive but it’s for the benefit of the family so worthed in my opinion

divide and conquer: DH is in charge of life admin for one child and you are in charge of the other. We also have 2 children and this really helped. If DH makes mistakes initially he will eventually learn!

lower expectations on tidiness: get the kids involved in putting stuff away but don’t Expect perfection!

remember they won’t be little for very long and this stressful time will be over in a flash.

Absolutely this, I feel like I'm just getting out the other side and would say to myself at your stage, just accept it and embrace it. It gets easier, faster than you think.
I agree with daily laundry though, I absolutely could not deal with all the laundry to do in 1 day. I put a load on when the kids get in the bath in the evening then hang it up/throw it in the tumble drier when it's done then quickly put it away when I get up the next morning. The only way to actually keep on top of it ime

This is something I've started doing, I have a few things in my Amazon basket that my kids liked and whenever they come on sale I buy a few so always have a stock

It’s so hard! I hate that we all have to live like this now, both parents working full time to afford the mortgage and having to juggle a million things a day.

Things that help me:
Weekly supermarket delivered at the same time each week with the same things going into your trolley automatically
Meal cooking boxes (we do Planthood)
Cleaner once a week (if you can afford to increase the hours of your cleaner?)
Washer dryer which goes on nearly every day. I don’t buy things that can’t be tumble dried.
One box file that all paperwork goes in. A new one each year. Everything else gets shredded
Subscriptions to toilet paper, cleaning products, vitamins
One-touch email management. If an email comes in with an action eg book your child’s hot lunches, pay for school trip etc, you do it immediately
Wall calendar with a column for each family member. This is the single source of truth.
Pay all bills by direct debit m

… basically, automate or outsource everything that is humanly possible.

Relentless organisation is the only way, I think. I was a single working mum to two and it was the only way I survived

Get everything for the morning prepped the night before and I mean absolutely everything. DC clothes, shoes, bags, lunchboxes, coats and all of your stuff too. Have the outfit you will wear in the morning hanging up and ready to go and your shoes, coat, brolly and handbag all out and also ready.

Grocery shop online. Never go grocery shopping it is such an enormous time suck.

Laundry every day, much better to do a small daily load than face a mountain at the weekend.

Make sure you have bin collection dates stuck up in the kitchen somewhere, so they can't be forgotten.

Make sure you have car service & MOT dates in the diary for convenient times. You have longish school holidays to get that kind of thing done, which is handy.

Haircuts, shoe fittings, dental appointments all need to be diarised well in advance and again you have the school holidays which helps for all of that stuff.

All kids school and nursery events need to be noted in the diary as soon as they come in.

Being tidy at home is a massive help. That way you don't lose things unnecessarily and waste time having to find things. Get plastic storage boxes / baskets, pegs, hooks or whatever works for you and make sure that everything has its place. I used to play "toy bedtime" with my two before they went up to bed every night, which involved all the toy crap going back into the storage boxes. It was part of our routine and meant that I didn't come back downstairs after they'd conked out to face toy Armageddon all by myself.

Get the bedtime routine off to an early start every night. I used to get mine bathed and into pjs as soon as possible, so that we weren't all cranky and tired and they could just toddle on upstairs, brush teeth and straight into bed when it was bedtime and all the undressing and getting clothes ready for the next day was already done.

Gifts are another massive time suck, and when your DC are little there are so bloody many to get. Again, order online and have a good stock of cards, that way you don't get caught out.

A slow cooker is a huge boon. I used to sling stew in the pot in the morning and then dinner was sorted when I got home. Also remember that boiled eggs and soldiers with some carrot batons is just fine too!

You have an OH, make sure he is doing his fair share too!

Make sure OH is doing his fair share.

Ignore redecorating etc for now - the cost, stress etc isn’t worth it right now.

Very simple meals - omelette, chips and cucumber/carrot sticks; beans on toast; soup; a toasted sandwich; roast a chicken at the weekend and have that one day and soup the next.

If you don’t have a drier the one thing I would buy is a heated airer (£50, Addis), so you can dry washing faster.

If you have free minutes spend them throwing away anything outgrown, unused, broken - or have a charity shop bin bag ready. Less stuff = less chaos = less overwhelm.