How do you explain mental load to your partner?

[nobodytellsyou]

I've been trying to explain to my partner why I'm exhausted even though we "split chores equally."
He helps when I ask. But I'm the one MANAGING everything - remembering, planning, scheduling, anticipating. He just executes.
I'm building a tool to visualize this. Think: mental load calculator that shows the invisible labor in actual numbers. Being a tech person, I am so data driven.
Question for this community:

1. Have you successfully explained mental load to your partner? What worked?
2. Would data/numbers help? Or make it worse?

I'm a working mom of 3 boys, so this is messy. But I'm determined to build something that helps me articulate what I can barely put into words. Any input appreciated. ❤️

No, but then I didn’t have children with someone I had to micromanage, like an under-performing employee. Buying school shoes, arranging lifts to matches or birthday parties, renewing the house insurance, planning Christmas, remembering dental appointments, supervising homework etc — all DH’s responsibility at least as much as mine.

Tell him you want to split jobs at home and produce your list get him to add any others he can think of then split it. If he doesn't do what he agrees, let him fail. He then has to take the consequence of failing by fixing it. Just don't step in.

Make a list of the mental load jobs as well (check some online lists and don't forget the more intermittent ones like Christmas, birthdays, family holidays). Sit down with him and divide that in half as well. Reasonable questions the first one or two times doing something, fair enough, but then he just has to get on with it.

Not yet managed to explain it even though I loose my shit regularly. Walking past a basket of ironing to go up and ignoring it, not putting dishes in the dishwasher. An explosion ever couple of weeks makes things better for a couple of days and then he goes back to sea and we start again in 2/3 months. He has someone to clean his cabin, cook his meals, do his washing etc so bar work he doesn’t think of the background bits. I’ve given up now.

Is a mental load calculator just another mental load?

Can the two of you not just and write a list and allocating responsibilities.

Insurance - him
Arranging Christmas - him
Lifts to matches - you
School shoes - you
Dentist - him

Then you'll both know what needs doing and if it doesn't get done then it's his problem. If you like data you could make a system to remind the person responsible and review dates.

In our house the obvious or immediate stuff gets done - you need cutlery, so you do the dishwasher. You need smart trousers for work, you do a wash. It’s the less obvious stuff like mucky door handles, cleaning out the food waste bin, mouldy corners of the shower, washing cushions and throws, dusting, selling or donating the kids grown out clothes, planning annual leave/camp for school holidays that only gets done by me or by me asking him to. Perhaps scheduled reminders or photos of what it should be v when it’s time to do it would help here, but that’s venturing into assistive living tech which exists for people with additional needs or learning challenges, not lazy bloody husbands.

I'm not sure you can improve on this, personally, but I'll be interested to see if you pull it off.

I thought of this too!

Exactly, I’ve been thinking a lot about the mental load and how it builds up quietly until I hit that point where I’m in tears, my husband suddenly steps up for a bit, and then… he slides back into old habits. I don’t want to manage my load like a to-do list or become the project manager of his tasks list. What I wish existed is a space that catches me right before I’m overwhelmed, somewhere I can brain-dump everything swirling around, have it help me sort and prioritise, suggest what can be delegated or parked, and then gently loop my partner to take ownership of key responsibilities that week so it feels like teamwork (maybe even reward it a bit so it’s not nagging). Then a couple of days later, it checks in: “Is the balance better? Did this help?” I want to break this cycle, visualise this mental load as a score perhaps that makes him aware week on week when the pressure is really getting to me. Does something like that sound helpful to anyone else?

You keep saying “you want”. He wants you to do it all. Split jobs. His and yours. Then leave him to do his.

I don't. I go by if someone thinks of it, the other one does it. In other words, I'm the manager and I delegate tasks to DH and DC as necessary. You can't think AND do all the work. So don't.

If the task isn't done well enough, it has to be re-done. If the others want to take up the role of being boss, then that's when they find out what the mental load is 😂

’Here is everything I do that you may not notice. What can you take on to make this more equal?’ show him list of ‘mental load’ stuff.

Thank goodness there wasn’t ’mental load’ back in my day. We both managed full time jobs, two children, a large ish house and garden, two cars. I was a middle manager teacher so there was masses to do for school. I didn’t have time or head space for ‘mental load’ at home. We both managed house hold jobs. If I was super busy at work, my husband did more. If he was away with work I suppose I did more. It was just life. I would hate having to micro manage an app to manage us. We had plenty to do without managing mental load on top of everything else. Things seem to work out smoothly without a ‘mental load’.

I think one of the easiest ways is to just not do stuff. Obvs you have to do stuff for DC as you don’t want it to affect them however you could stop doing his washing, just get dinner for yourself etc. If you normally do all card and present buying just stop - after all we all know Christmas is coming! His family coming over - just assume he’s doing it all - why wouldn’t he? think men like this need to ‘feel’ it not just be told what needs doing and if he doesn’t feel it then nothing lost but less for you to do. In my world people who don’t actively participate in family life get put to the bottom of the pile (and know they are there).

I can’t believe on top of everything else, someone is suggesting a mental load calculator. More work. Have people really got time in a busy working day to use a calculator with regard to ‘mental load’. All I can think is that some people haven’t got enough to do and they build an industry out of ‘mental load’. Get a cleaner instead.

Well aren't you the lucky one!

No-one knows how they'll respond to parenthood until they have a kid.

You have a DH who stepped up. Lucky you. The OP isn't so lucky, so your c9ntribution osn't helping, so take your smug self- satisfaction off somewhere else.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Emma was my go-to response to the Mental load question, too.

OP, See also: the unpaid work calculator by ONS (Google it).

Or perhaps consider using the Microsoft To Do Lists and Tasks app. Both of you can add to the tasks and list so you can see everything, and either of you can tick the tasks off once they're done ✅

I remember once being on holiday in Bali and vendors would approach us on the beach offering to plan our itinerary, book activities, take on the ‘mental load’ of being on holiday. Some Mumsnetters would love the job of bossily organising other people’s holiday mental load. Most people would rather go on holiday and relax. Mental load has been invented to bully ordinary folk who just want to live their lives in peace.

Both my grandmothers, now long dead, had four children and six children respectively. Both worked ( ordinary women not posh middle class). One ran a hospital laundry, one was a hairdresser. The kids went to work with them until they went to school. I bet they would be glad that they lived in a time before mental load was invented. They both out lived their husbands, my grandfathers, and were wonderful grannies who had time to play with us and not spend their time worrying about mental load.

I discussed the mental load of Christmas with my DH and for a few years, my stress got worse and worse to the point I cracked and said I can't take the pressure of the mental load and the massive expectations of it. DH said."why do it if you don't like it?"

After some deliberation I asked him "if I stopped doing Christmas at all, would you care?" And he absolutely said he doesn't care about it at all. He isn't going to pick up the mental and physical load of Christmas so as of last year, we don't celebrate it anymore. I wear headphones when we go shopping so I don't have to listen to the music. We have a daughter and she is young enough so that she isn't missing anything. If he doesn't give a shit, I don't either! Who is it for? No one. For context, we are pagans.

DH took DS(9) to his football match this morning . I said as he‘d be arriving back at 1pm and DH had invited friends for cake that afternoon, DS should either eat nothing at football so he could have a proper lunch at home or eat a proper lunch at football. DH decided on a proper lunch at football, so I packed a lunch box at his request.

Which DS didn’t eat. Because DH bought him cake at football. And didn’t insist on him eating the healthy stuff first.

DH was all proud he‘d taken DS to the match. I was angry that he had neither thought ahead nor followed simple instructions. Again.

I insisted DS eat his packed lunch before the afternoon cake. He was too full after the football cake. DH told me to stop going on about it, DS had now eaten 3 apple slices. I asked him if he thought 3 apple slices and piles of cake was enough lunch for a 9yr old whose body and brain were still growing.

DH said DS could eat this evening. I asked who was going to cook, what was he going to cook, and how will he manage the cake he’d invited his friends to eat? How would he ensure DS wouldn’t just fill up on cake again?

DH told DS he couldn’t have any afternoon cake because he hadn’t eaten his lunch, but didn’t provide an alternative. By cake time, the first sugar rush had worn off and DS was hungry and dysregulated. I intervened before our child starved, with a savoury snack.

DH warmed up the tortellini in the fridge for dinner. But was no longer talking to me. Because he‘d decided we needed to get some fresh air at 5pm and I asked him how he’d ensure he was back in time to cook for DS? Apparently I wasn’t supporting him in front of DS, who was refusing to go out.

btw I also made the cake for his friends.

DH can’t or won’t see the issue.

That‘s mental load.

Agree! Mental load is just a new term for a poor relationship. Things need doing, one of you does them. It’s not complicated.

I normally scream at him 'how many toilet rolls are there in the cupboard? 3! 20! 75?!! You wouldn't have an F'ing clue but thats the kind of random shit that fills my head!
(For best effect needs to be screamed at very high volume, come seemingly out of nowhere and accompanied by door slamming or tears)

Not necessarily successful but sometimes its good to get it out!

Don’t know the answer tbh, but it’s not as simple as dividing the chores. DH just doesn’t anticipate. Left to him we wouldn’t have eg holidays at all. IMHO leaving it to them doesn’t work when DC are disadvantaged by their efforts. Not being overfussy but it’s nice if the kids have that experience of going to the next county even. No holidays ever in your childhood? That would be a bit sad.

Is it essentual mental load where the world would end or the mental load woman put on themselves where they have decided something has to be done but it actually doesnt example 1 I have to buy a present for all my ILs otherwise they will judge me or we have example 2. I really need to overthink a situation about a colleague or a neighbour and need to emesh myself in it
example 3 all the ''school mum'' or birthday party angst

If it the essential work load we just work it out like 2 mature grown ups by communicating I realy dont know how else to say it