Am I being too strict?

[ncd78]

My DS is 4yo and is an only child. No cousins or any other children in our family or social group. My Dad is really close to him and constantly buys him expensive lego kits. My DS has now started to ask him for them!!!!!
We have been trying to instil a sense of earning toys and presents with a pompom jar; when its full he gets to choose a toy. He earns them for good behaviour, picking up his toys, trying at school, lots of things.
Is it right for me and my DH to be upset about my DS getting loads of stuff all the time for no reason? My Dad could buy a token gift, but it’s always just too extravagant?!

Im pretty sure he’s going to learn the value of money from you lol youre clearly very strict. Let him have fun with gifts from his grandparents and feel special. We have one life, as does he. If this is making you angry you are extremely lucky.

I wonder if this could be having an impact on how you feel about it? You didn't have much as a child and feel it didn't do you any harm maybe, so your son having access to all these nice, expensive toys perhaps seems excessive, worrying even?

But I honestly do not think anyone was ever harmed by having nice things.

I also agree with caution over the whole "reward" concept. The message it teachers is "behave well as it gets you material goods" rather than "behave well because it is the kind thing to do and will make you and others happy."

You said earlier your child was too young for altruism. Actually I disagree. Even very young children can show concern for others. My daughter used to apologise off her own bat if she was worried she had upset us at that age. Etc etc.

Your dad is getting lots of pleasure from this,especially as he sees how much his DGS enjoys it and they bond over it. So, as far as he's concerned, it's only positive.

Maybe you can steer your dad to give him different treats that aren't toys. But DS is 4 and they don't stay 4 forever and I'd be happy that they're building such a positive relationship, lego or no lego.

Lego is basically education.

Teach him to be grateful for presents and let your Dad do as he wishes, you do as you wish too. I dont think you can control your Dad.

I think your son will grow up to have lovely memories of Lego time with Grandad. I wouldn’t take that away from them.

So I stopped my kids reward jar which he used ages 3-5 when he started reception. Why?? cause I got so much hate from other mums saying it’s outdated and doesn’t promote wanting to do things naturally. Fast forward to year one and his teacher (of 30 years teaching and has taught kids that have gone on to be doctors and research scientists) brings out the reward system for good academic work and behaviour. once again I see my son engaged at school and an absolute pleasure at home because he knows that people appreciate his hard work and he is rewarded for it.

this thought that it doesn’t translate to adulthood is bizarre. “I’m getting a takeaway tonight because it’s been a long week and I deserve it” “I’m treating myself to a new pair of shoes because I deserve it” “I’m going to book a short trip away cause I’ve been working hard”

we treat our adults selves the same way most days.

We had sticker charts in school with "credit" and "debit" marks. A debit mark wiped out 5 credit marks. In my first year I told our class teacher that I though this was unfair - that someone could build up a row of credit marks and then get them wiped out like this. The teacher said that "It takes time and effort to build up good reputation. But if you do a bad thing, like something illegal, it can wipe out a good reputation over night. And it will be a long time before people trust you again."

She was telling us that actions have consequences. And so we should look at our behaviour before we act. By the time they reach secondary school children are old enough to begin understanding this.

I think treats from grandparents fall outside what you and DH get him. 4 year olds also don’t really understand the value of things so he won’t understand that Lego is expensive. I’d leave them to it tbh and let this be something for your Dad and DS to bond over.

Agree with all of this. The jar thing sounds awful, almost like you’re conditionally penalising, he’s 4 for goodness sake.

how depressing. Your dad buys your kid good quality educational toys and actively wants to bond with him. Grandad sounds lovely.

I think you should try to relax about your dad buying him stuff- it's an indulgence that they both enjoy, and at least Lego is constructive and engaging. You're still going to be the main influence on your DS at this age, and as he isn't generally entitled I don't think it's worth making something of this with your dad. My parents died when my kids were still small, and I'm really glad I let them care for and grandparent the kids as they wanted to, even if not everything was as I would have preferred.

Jar thing is a bit weird to me, I don’t think doing basic things like tidying should be rewarded. That’s just an expectation that in our house you tidy your own mess.

@Mwnci123i really relate to this. My mum died 2 years ago when my DDs were 10 and 13. I’m so glad they had that time with her. She looked after them once a week for me and always brought them little gifts that were special traditions between the 3 of them. It never occurred to me to interfere with what she bought them -that was for them. I’m so grateful they had one grandparent that did so much for them - loved them, wanted to spend time with them and bond with them and was their biggest fan.

Something I feel strongly about is letting children have their own relationships with safe adults