Am I being too strict?

[ncd78]

My DS is 4yo and is an only child. No cousins or any other children in our family or social group. My Dad is really close to him and constantly buys him expensive lego kits. My DS has now started to ask him for them!!!!!
We have been trying to instil a sense of earning toys and presents with a pompom jar; when its full he gets to choose a toy. He earns them for good behaviour, picking up his toys, trying at school, lots of things.
Is it right for me and my DH to be upset about my DS getting loads of stuff all the time for no reason? My Dad could buy a token gift, but it’s always just too extravagant?!

@ithinkilikethislittlelifeYou’re wrong. He does make them himself and it’s not about the attention. He gets lots of attention. I never asked you to comment on the pompom jar. What’s wrong with celebrating his little ‘wins’? He earns those toys and is really proud of himself when he gets something nice.

The Pom Pom jar is ridiculous.

I would tell DS he can't ask for a gift as it is rude/up to the giver.

If there is something specific he wants, he can put it on his birthday or Christmas list however that is not a guarantee he will get it.

What we've told our DC is that it's very kind of X Relative to get them a gift/surprise, but to ask for something specific is not how gifts/surprises work.

If it's more than you want to spend then I wouldn't try to find a way he can get it. Just make it clear that those gifts come from Grandad but it's not nice for DS to ask for specific ones.

Pom pom jar is absolutely fine and usually a helpful thing - to avoid him asking for big toys just give him a small selection to choose from with the pom pom prize. At his age he will soon be able to understand prices so you can give him a monetary limit, but if he's not there yet, then you can do it in another way e.g. at the toy shop "You can choose a lego set from this shelf or a playmobil set from that shelf".

I would say my dgs is similar in so far as he is showered with gifts and toys. Not from me, I might add, as I think he has too much but dd is happy with it and I don't comment as it isn't my place.
He is though the most lovely little boy so the excess (as I see it) toys and gifts appear to have caused no issues.
Dgs is 6 now and dd would say that books don't count as gifts they are a necessity as are new pens paper and pencils. Lego kits don't count either because they are good for development and dgs can easily build kits with a 10 plus age on them.
I do remember at 4 dgs would ask what ds (prime culprit) had bought him because he would buy him for every visit. Dd would just remind him it was rude to ask and it soon stopped.
Only issue seems to be finding storage for all his stuff and finding things to buy him for birthdays and Christmas.

@ncd78If you don’t want people to comment on something within a chat forum then don’t mention it. Even the name pompom jar sounds idiotic but that’s just my opinion and this is a place where opinions are asked for. I’ll be blunter if you like. If you don’t want someone buying things for YOUR child then TELL THEM. Or is that too simple?

@Hundslappadrifawell thank you for your input. This comment is no use whatsoever.

Me either. It’s just a variation on a star chart, which has been considered the cornerstone of positive parenting for donkey’s years.

It's been being criticised for at least the last 5 years, it was being highlighted as a bad idea when I was pregnant with my first.

As someone has already explained, it rewards extrinsic motivation, and studies have shown that it reduces intrinsic motivation. Most people don't want to raise their children to behave because they're going to be rewarded for it. You don't want your kids to only make their beds because you're paying them for it, you want them to do it because that's life.

Intrinsic motivation comes from a job well done, a sense of pride or from personal enjoyment of a particular task. Humans depend upon both forms of motivation, but typically it’s the unpalatable tasks that need a tangible reward. If someone wants a big holiday, they have to work overtime to pay for it. It’s not just gifted to them because they are intrinsically motivated to go on holiday. Even lab rats will electrocute themselves if they’re given sugar for it.

@phantomofthepoperait also gives them a sense of value and validation. He’s really well behaved apart from this attitude with my dad. I think that argument for not using rewards is flawed; they are too young to be altruistic. He is kind boy though and is really proud of himself when he fills his jar!

Lego is bloody expensive - be thankful your dad has good taste and opens his wallet.

Your son will still be playing the Lego in 6 years time.

I think I'd be more concerned if it were other gifts. A tablet, gaming console, some annoying electric toy.

What you have to understand is that you can't control what your dad buys. You control what you let your child have. If someone buys a present that you don't want your son to play with - then don't let them play with it. eBay the gift or charity shop it.

i think there’s other ways to meet your goals
like reminding ds not to ask and explaining why we don’t ask. But ensuring he always says thank you. You could teach him about donating toys, maybe a one in one out policy, or a regular clear out of toys that he takes to donate. You can teach him about buying gifts for other people, like collections for women’s refuges or nspcc or something.
he doesn’t get that Lego is expensive so I don’t think it matters too much that your dad is buying so much. I’d maybe explain that you could get much more useful things for ds but if it’s his money and that’s what he wants to spend it on, other than controlling their time or supervising to ensure no gifts appear I think
its a difficult one

It sounds as though Lego is their shared interest, at 4 years old I’d let it go.

Do you not think you’re overthinking this? Presents are presents! You tell your child they can’t ask for them and to make sure to say thank you when they get them. People saying ask for money instead- would you honestly find it ok if someone did this? He gives them Lego, that’s his thing!!

I dont disagree in principle with the pom pom jar. Children in school often get stickers for good behaviour so I see no problem with this. Perhaps he is a little young at present.

The grandparents generous gifting is a different matter. I would try to persuade him to put some money into a account and to restrict his gifting to smaller treats.

I was brought up very strictly although a little older. I had to do jobs in the house in return for pocket money. A list was pinned up in the kitchen and each task had a price. It was ticked off as I did it. If I failed to do a job to my mother's satisfaction then I got money deducted for that task. I learned to understand the value of money and the concept of earning things. I was only "given" gifts for my birthday and christmas. All this happened from rather older than OP.s child - about 7 years. However it taught me realistic life skills about saving up, being patient, and knowing that nice things had to be earned.

This was back in the 1950s when there was very little money to spare. The local shops which sold fancy goods all had a club where kids could go in each week and pay in installments for a toy agreed with their parents. We were each given a little book. Each week when I got my pocket money I rushed into the shop to pay part of it into the club. I got real pleasure from seeing the figures that I owed go down. It also taught me the value which we now call deferement of gratification.

At 14 I got a p/t job in a local chip shop. I understood all about arriving on time, earning what I was paid and keeping busy when there were no customers in the shop. I had also learned how to make change, remember an order, and talk to customers politely.

I now run my own business and have done for 20 years. So I believe that the strict application of earning my pocket money taught me some very valuable skills to deal with life and work.

Wouldn't bother me if it is from grandparents, you can still say he won't get to keep or play with it if his behaviour isn't appropriate at any point.

OP the pop pom jar is a great idea. Please don't listen to pp accusing you of being controlling. It sounds like you're doing a great job raising your son.

He's also too young to understand the price difference between a Hot Wheels and a Lego set.

My dad used to do this with my dc. It's fine. They look back on it now with such affection and think how lucky they were to have a kind, generous grandad who bought them big lego sets. Let him spoil him. That's what grandparents are for if you are lucky enough.

Also agree that the pom pom jar sounds hideous.

Exactly, we used to do reward charts which is the same sort of thing. Not for everything, just things they needed to work on. Nothing wrong with extrinsic motivation, I don't go to work for the sheer fun of it.

Genuinely curious as to why the pom pom rewards system is getting so much hate? I wirk in a kindergarten and we use it to encourage good behaviour.

I let my parents spoil dd. She's their only grandchild and they love to make her happy. She's older though so knows she's not allowed to ask for things. At 4 I would take a photo of the toys she asked for on my phone and treated it like a menu for birthdays/Xmas/treats although she'd often forget that she'd even seen them. Just taking the photo was enough to satisfy her. Plus you can delete the ones that you don't want to buy!

There's research suggesting these behaviour management systems are often counterproductive, stickers/pompoms/whatever. The kid isn't learning anything deep, just chasing a reward. The effect wears off once older.

Praise is good. Pom Pom jar isn't praise, it's a behaviour management technique. Same as sticker charts, it's all focused on extrinsic not intrinsic motivation.