Am I being too strict?

[ncd78]

My DS is 4yo and is an only child. No cousins or any other children in our family or social group. My Dad is really close to him and constantly buys him expensive lego kits. My DS has now started to ask him for them!!!!!
We have been trying to instil a sense of earning toys and presents with a pompom jar; when its full he gets to choose a toy. He earns them for good behaviour, picking up his toys, trying at school, lots of things.
Is it right for me and my DH to be upset about my DS getting loads of stuff all the time for no reason? My Dad could buy a token gift, but it’s always just too extravagant?!

It seems a bit much to make a 4yo earn a toy. He's too young for this level of control I think.

Were you strictly raised yourself?

What is your fear about him getting toys from grandparents? You could teach him that they get regifted after a while, so you don't have too many. Or ask your dad to rein it in a bit.

Could you accept the gifts from DGD and save them up for when the jar is full?

I’ve asked my Dad to rein it in a bit. He won’t listen. Yes I was strictly raised, we didn’t have much and never asked for anything.
We started the pompom jar a while ago to help with toilet training and it worked brilliantly. He gets excited and gets 2-3 pompoms a day, so we buy him nice things, regularly, but he knows when. I’ve lost my Mom a couple of years ago and my Dad just goes crazy with his money in the shop. We don’t want our DS to expect everything and start demanding toys. There has to be a midway point..?!

Either set some boundaries with your dad - tell him it needs to stop - or initiate a regifting so it doesn't matter.

This whole jar thing is excessively controlling.

grandparents have a different relationship, but you are the parent so tell DF that he can put ££ into an account and if required tell him a spend limit outside birthdays/festive celebrations etc. but if he is buying expensive gifts every visit then it needs to stop. It’s confusing for the child and kids want and need time not stuff.

I do think it’s odd to be using a jar like you do, but I see it’s a balance for you from yr stricter upbringing and has worked positively for you all, which is really what’s important.

@Gruffporcupine Whilst I like this idea, he gives him presents when I’m not there and he’s already got the lego open and building it.

@verycloakanddaggerswhy is it controlling to praise good behaviour and treat him? This was not the aspect at question. This is the same as pocket money, is that controlling?

He’s 4. He has no concept of cost so the fact you think the lego is expensive is irrelevant. I’m guessing at 4 he doesn’t build it himself but with someone so surely that’s a win. A gift that means he plays with someone sounds great to me. BTW, the pompon jar sounds awful. What on earth is wrong with giving toys to kids outside of “special occasions”. It’s a lovely feeling to be spoilt. My dh treats me to things all the time. And our children. It makes my heart swell ♥️

Could you ask your dad to put some of the money in an account for him instead?

Alternatively stop with the pom pom jar and presents from you - he shouldn't really need constant rewards for good behaviour, reward him with your time and attention instead.

I'm not a fan of the pompom jar idea, it may be an effective way of managing his behaviour for the time being, but it encourages extrinsic motivation and does him/you no favours in the longer term.

In your shoes, I wouldn't worry too much about your dad's gift giving. It's a grandparents prerogative to treat their grandchild, and there are ways of talking to kids about generous gifts that help to ensure that they don't become spoilt or entitled.

In the meantime, I would work on developing parenting strategies that don't rely so heavily on bribery.

I don't think you're being too strict and I would find it annoying if my dad did this. You're trying not to spoil your child and he's undermining you.

I do understand what you mean, but lots of kids grow up in poverty without access to nice toys, so maybe consider how lucky your ds is to have these nice things he enjoys, and just relax a little about it? Ultimately the main thing is that he is happy.

You perhaps have some idea that he will become "spoiled", but I don't really believe in that concept myself. I don't think anybody's personality is harmed by having access to nice things as a child, if those things can be afforded.

My dgm worked in a toy store! I had lots of toys. As an only dc I appreciated them.
I haven't grown up to be an awful adult.

I totally get where you are coming from and don’t think you’re being too strict. If he’s getting a regular stream of big Lego sets then it undermines eg Christmas and birthdays. Any big Lego sets given for those occasions are going to be devalued due to being something he gets on a regular basis. Also, I have an 11 year old who’s been getting Lego sets since he was 4 and it becomes a storage nightmare.

You can get some really nice books with ideas of things to make from standard sets. Maybe he could get a book like that and work through the ideas in it with your son instead?

I think it's a mix of grandparents being too free with presents and you being a bit too rigid.
It's a grandparents job to spoil their grandkids and do the things parents can't /don't but there does still need to be a bit of balance. When going to the shops with her grandparents my daughter can come home with a toy or a magazine. It's a flat no to all toys /magazines when I'm shopping with her as I don't want her to associate the weekly shop with toys and her to be asking every week!

We do make special trips to the charity shop or second hand book stalls when she knows that this is purely for something nice for her. Grandparents have taken her too.
We try to avoid toys for the sake of toys and limit toys as rewards trying to keep them spontaneous so there's less expectation about getting something. We buy things as we see them and put them to one side and get them out at an appropriate moment. I'm happy for grandparents to get her toys but keeping at a frequency that this is what she expects every time and so that she doesn't want to see them because she knows she will get something.

@tragichero I didn’t get much as a kid, hand me downs and second hand stuff, which was fine, but I never asked for stuff because my parents weren’t ever in a position to buy it. Now my Dad is, he doesn’t know the difference between a token gift (hot wheels car, chocolate etc) and a more expensive lego kit. I wasn’t spoiled by but don’t know if it’s because i was a little more hard done to…

@TimSamandLuluthank you. This is exactly it. Everything gets devalued and not looked after, because next week Grandad will get me something new again. It feels like we are setting him up for dopamine hits before he can read! Just feels too much. I’ve suggested this to my dad and it falls on deaf ears, like he is entitled to do what he likes…

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBackIt isn’t bribery, it’s the same as pocket money. He’s too little to count and understand currency, so when he’s done something great, he gets rewarded.

Yes, I understand that he gets rewarded when he has done something "great". That is the approach that I don't agree with because it emphasises extrinsic motivation.

And yes, it's the same as pocket money if that is used as a reward for compliant behaviour. I don't agree with that either.

But you're the parent, so if that's how you want to raise him, that's your shout.

I m like you Op, I don’t think it’s good to raise kids to automatically expect gifts, or to feel entitled to them. That’s the risk of what your dad is doing. I like your Pom Pom system, treats should feel like a reward, not an every day thing. I wonder if your dad would consider using activities as his treat instead? So perhaps making something with ds instead using things he already has at home, or taking him out somewhere? Does ds have a library card? Could your dad take him to the library each week to get new books? Treats don’t have to be new toys.

A 4 year old has no concept of the difference between a small gift and expensive Lego. He's just asking for the things to enjoys.

My parents always bring the kids gifts or get them things when they are with them (they travel alot so always bring something back). I've learnt to let it slide. My DC (8 and nearly 4) know the rules are different with them than us. They know nanny and grandad will spoil them when they see them but also know that having something is a privilege not a right. Sometimes they can be a bit erg why didnt you get me such and such.....but I told my parents that was their own fault for always getting them things.
Its slowed down now DS is 8 (he tends to get a token gift and money in an account).

I think your pom-pom jar is fine.

Some will say it is bribing a child, and only teaches them to do good things for a reward..
But others will say that it teaches the value of earning something yourself, when you can link what you get to your good actions.

In reality I don't think it matters too much.

For the grandparent - Maybe try and direct his generosity to certain times. Don't restrict him, but guide it into occasions that work for you.

I have also been annoyed by grandparents giving too much - we don't live near either sets of ours, and when we or they visit multiple times a year, (both sets), he gets spoiled to death.. they both (naturally) want to do a lot, because they won't see him for a while, but between the two sets, it feels like every few months he gets a period of massive spoiling and gifts. Through discussions we have filtered it a little, and it is now a bit better, but I still feel a bit uncomfortable by the association of grandparent = gift.

Your child, your rules and grandad is undermining you.
Could you talk to him and explain why you are doing things the way you are and then offer to let him buy the gifts when the jar is full? Maybe tell your son that if he asks for gifts Pom-poms will be removed from the jar.

Yeah we had the same issue when we started the “reward jar” (ignore other comments saying your son is too young he’s not as long as it’s working he’s not too young)

it was harsh but we told Nan and grandad that if he gets a full star jar then they can also get him something like Lego. Other smaller presents like books and colouring in stuff is fine the rest of the time but buying expensive presents just for the sake of it will make a rod for their own back later when he will inevitably want more and more

Really don’t understand why this pom pom jar thing is being slated here 😂