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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Ds1 justtold me nobody plays with him at school and nobody wants to be his friend, and he sat and cried at playtime until a big girl took him inside to do playdoh

29 replies

SmugColditz · 05/06/2008 17:10

And I want to skin all the other children alive and make drums out of their hide.

well I don't but I am pissed off and incredibly upset that my sweet little 5 year old is crying out of loneliness at school.

I walk the same way home as a few of the mums, my son gets on fine with their children, so why aren't they playing with him at school? My heart hurts and I feel like crying myself.

How can I mend this? I'm sending him to school with two little cars tomorrow to play with at play time, one for him and one for a friend, and I am hoping that might tempt someone to play with him, and there is one child who ds1 mentions a lot in a "X doesnt' like me/X isn't my friend" kind of way, so should I bring this up with the teacher? We have ha problems with X before, but X plays with everyone, it seems, which means they are then 'not allowed' to play with ds1 (it's all very five year old)

What shall I do? How can I build his confidence, help him to be more assertive and ask children to play with him?

OP posts:

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DoubleBluff · 05/06/2008 17:13

spk to teacher, tell her what has happened

ScoobyDoo · 05/06/2008 17:15

This happened to my ds when he first started the new school he was at, he said he had no one to play with at break time & that he went & sat on the sad bench & still no one came (the bench is actually the happy bench where they can sit if they have no one to play with & someone will come & take them off the bench & play with them)

I actually spoke to the teacher & they said they would make sure he had someone to play with, since then obviously ds has settled in now but speaking to the teacher was the best thing i could have done as ds never mentioned it again.

charliecat · 05/06/2008 17:15

Awww, you need to be careful that the cars dont make him a victim. Someone bigger snatching them off him and not giving them back and causing a LOAD of stress for him.
He needs to join in somehow...hmm, I dont know how...can you befriend one or two nice boys get them round for tea?

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pagwatch · 05/06/2008 17:15

word of warning
my DD was telling me this all the time. I ended up mentioning it to teacher who fell off her chair laughing
total twadery.
she persuaded me to pop past school and peek over the fence at playtime. there she was playing with three other girls two of whom were fighting over who was holding her hand.
just to check i asked that very night. cue big eyes and sad face...'no one played with me and i had to sit by mrs x until end of break..

Talk to someone at school before you get too concerned

eenybeeny · 05/06/2008 17:15

oh god I am sorry. I feel awful for you and your DS. I already worry about my DS being left out and he hasnt even started nursery yet though that is a whole other subject.

Does your DS have after school play dates with any of the other children? Could you talk to some friendly Mums and see if they can get their kids to play with him? Poor little thing. What is he interested in, can he talk about that with other children?

tissy · 05/06/2008 17:19

my dd said much the same; I made an appointment to talk to teacher, as she'd been the only one in her class to go to a nursery NOT attached to the school, so didn't know anyone. My heart was breaking for her, I contemplated sending her to the school her best friend goes to in another county, even though it would have meant a 60 min round trip.

twas a load of cobblers! Apparently she's one of the more popular girls

Original poster

SmugColditz · 05/06/2008 17:20

He's in the reception playground with all the other reception children, and he's actually one of the biggest.

I do think some of the problem is that he says he keeps asking people, they keep saying no, and now he is too shy and scared to ask because he thinks they will say no again.

This has two weeks to resolve itself before I change schools, move house, change our name, have surgery and start again.

I can't help wondering what I am doing wrong, he's a beautiful and kind little boy, why won't they play with him at school when they are happy to play with him at the park?

I am quite chummy with some of the other mothers, and Ds1 gets on really nicely with their children, I don't understand why this isn't so at school. I am rerally about the whole thing.

OP posts:

loujay · 05/06/2008 17:24

Hi,
I feel so for your DS.
They must have teachers or classroom assistants out on playground duty??
Why havent they noticed anything??
Could it be that he is playing with people but not all the time?
I know that my DD says that she only plays with one child, I questioned this with the teacher and she said she plays with everyone.
It may be worth having a word with the teacher.
I think cars is a good idea, or maybe just get him too talk to someone on the way out to playtime and get him to say "what shall we play"

StarlightMcKenzie · 05/06/2008 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsWeasley · 05/06/2008 17:25

SmugColditz: I have had a similar situation not exactly the same but anyway I spoke to teacher and she was excellent had a little chat with DS and arranged some games that a group can play together in playground.

piratecat · 05/06/2008 17:33

my dd was haivng similar issues last yr (aged %). I was very concerend about her happiness, yet eventually it sorted itself out. I think they have to get to know one another, and sort themselves out. No harm in mentioning it to teacher, who can subtley get your ds to interact with certain kids, or little groups.

Sometimes that's all it takes, for a grown up to intervene a bit and get the confidence going.

Also, i have heard things form very lovely and noramlyy truthfulld that are a little bit stretching the truth. She is very senstive and has sometimes probably made more of some situations than waa actual fact.

One day I'd be in despair, the next I'd ask 'how was your day' to get a 'oh fine mummy, sos and so is my friend now' yada yada.

Just keep encouraging him, ask him who he likes, and what were those kids playing today. It might be helpful?

piratecat · 05/06/2008 17:34

hmm aged 5.

also liel to say that my dd kept encountering one particular girl who was a pita, always bossing her. So i had a quiet word with teacher, who then spoke to this girl's teacher.

No more probs.

Original poster

SmugColditz · 05/06/2008 19:50

Ok. So tomorrow, I shall ensure I collar ds1's teacher and ask her to please please keep an eye on him and try to get him playing with someone at break time.

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BoyzntheShire · 05/06/2008 19:53

ive recently aquired a book for kids called 'making friends' which has all sorts of tips and stuff for doing so... aimed at this age group. i was skeptical but interested... my dc seem to find some of the contents v interesting.

cocolepew · 05/06/2008 19:55

I had to tell my DD (10) to stop asking and just go and join in. Speak to the teacher, hope it works out, it's heartbreaking. Good luck.

posieparker · 05/06/2008 19:55

Never take their word for it and remember they're only 5 and so the worst thing in he world today is nothing tomorrow! If it continues talk to the teacher and find out if they have playground buddy schemes.

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 05/06/2008 20:06

Do they have a 'friendship bench' at his school?

In DS1 and DD's old school they had one, where children who have no one to play with can sit on and then someone will come and ask him to play. I must say it seemed to work very well at their school

Pagwatch i also had the same thing with my DD but i used to see her playing when i picked DS2 up from pre-school so knew she did have friends!!

Original poster

SmugColditz · 05/06/2008 20:09

They have the friendship bench in the bigger playgrounds but the reception children are kept separate. He's not lying, his confidence is severely knocked, he was until recently a happy and gregarious little boy who will say hello to anyone, now he says that people won't want to talk to him.

OP posts:

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 05/06/2008 20:10

FWIW DS1 (9) has come home tonight saying that no one wants to play with him in his year and he thinks they don't like him we moved a few months ago and he's still finding his feet here, i know he does have friends as he played on the green after school for half an hour with them after school, but i still hate to think that he feels no one likes him even when they do

Original poster

SmugColditz · 05/06/2008 20:11

I'm with you sparkles, I don't care if he's been playing all day, I hate to see him crying because he feels lonely. I was a lonely child, it hurts.

OP posts:

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 05/06/2008 20:12

what about a social skills type group? where children with less confidence than others go in to learn how to be more confident? do they have anything like that?

Original poster

SmugColditz · 05/06/2008 20:14

No. I'm going to talk to the teacher about this, because he has always lacked social skills, I have been crap at instilling them, plus he didn't speak until he was three so a lot of the normal rules of conversation which they learn aged 2 to 3 were missed by him completely. He's friendly but when it comes to initiating things, he's very passive. He always has been.

OP posts:

yomellamoHelly · 05/06/2008 20:27

I'd have a word with his teacher. It's easier to nip these things in the bud. Plus they can read a lot into minor things at that age so it might not be as bad as it looks at face value.

It's happened to my ds1 (he's 4.5 and at nursery), and to a few others in his class, and was resolved each time surprisingly quickly.

sparklesandnowinefor5months · 05/06/2008 20:46

Its a hard situation to be in as you can't be there to play with them (or force another child to ) but you don't want it to go un-noticed either

maybe when you speak to the teacher you could suggest that they spend a bit of time in class talking to the children about how it may feel to be lonely, how to make more friends, feelings etc - that way they could build it into the class topics without drawing attention to your DS individually

posieparker · 06/06/2008 07:15

Perhaps you could find something he's really good at and exploit it so his confidence grows. Aclub at the weekend or after school to mix with new friends, have children for tea these things all help.

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