Please help me survive toddler rage in the mornings?!

[Lavender14]

Ds is turning 3 and is in a good routine with bed and sleeps all night and is generally a happy and easy going dude during the day. However the last few weeks mornings have been an absolute battle. Everything is a fight, he gets really rough and lashes out, gets upset and totally disregulated and I feel like I've already lived a year by the time I get the two of us out the door. Once we're actually driving in the car on the way to nursery he's back to being in great form.

I have everything we need set out, I try to keep my cool, I try to be a bit silly and make things fun, I am clear with boundaries and what I won't tolerate, I have myself totally ready first so I can fully concentrate on him, I give him a wake up before I actually get him out of bed so he has time to come round a bit, I make time for some cuddles and reconnection, we follow roughly the same routine. But it's just such a battle. He's been late to nursery a couple of times and at the moment I'm in a very flexible role so I can go in later if I need to if he's having a rough morning but I'm taking on a new role soon so that won't be an option and we will absolutely need to be on the road by a set time. I understand this is partly developmentally normal and he's very keen to assert his autonomy with lots of "no" etc and generally it's workable and I've no issue managing him but it's just when I'm under time pressure in the mornings that it becomes very stressful.

Does anyone have any advice on this or anything that works for your toddlers?

What's your routine? How fast do you feed him?

I've found that a lot of the time it's because they want to feel like they're in control. So giving them the ability to make decisions can make a difference. Maybe give them a choice of two breakfasts, two options for clothes to choose from. Let them think they're running the show basically.

Is he feeing too rushed? Have you noticed any patterns as to what specifically may trigger him kicking off?

Long time since I had toddlers (although I do have grand-children).

Basics first - is he just hungry and needs to eat something first thing rather than waiting for his breakfast? Some adults aren't fussed about breakfast and some (like me) need some food shortly after getting up to make mornings a bit more pleasant for everyone.

Do you have to wake him every morning? I would think if you are having to wake him... he isn't done sleeping? Maybe try push bedtime 15 mins earlier, should be easy enough as it's getting dark early now.

Options options options. Have 2 sets of clothes ready and let him pick which. Have two breakfast options ready etc.

I feel your pain! I have this but with DD who is 5 at the moment. I weirdly have found by releasing any expectation on myself that we will be on time has made a HUGE difference. It doesn’t matter if we are late for school in the grand scheme of things. My work is flexible anyway but I said don’t expect me online before 9am for the time being.
I found that because I was chilled and not pushing DD along all the time, she was chilled too and we haven’t actually been late once!!

For a while when she was younger I moved getting dressed in the morning to a downstairs activity. TV on (don’t judge) and I just used to get her dressed while she watched. It removed the struggle and we were able to transition back to doing it upstairs eventually.

Is he the same when he wakes by himself? Being woken up is hard.

Any history of diabetes on the family? This was how DS started to show, in like an uncharacteristic rage. May be nothing but worth a check?

Agree with trying to stay calm, on mornings when I am stressed we are invariably late.
Choices on everything.
My boy went through a stage of only wanting to wear a particular top, so we bought 6 of them identical.

So current routine:

• let ds sleep as long as possible so I can get dressed to shoes because I wondered if it was down to tiredness
• wake ds up gently and let him lie in his cot for a few minutes while I make his breakfast and leave it in the kitchen ready for him.
• lift him out of cot, have some cuddles and talk about how he slept and plan for the day
• get him dressed in the clothes I've left out the night before
• brush teeth
• breakfast
• car

If I take him down to breakfast first before dressing him he picks over his food and takes forever with it so I now get him dressed first. I do have to wake him the majority of mornings but there's no difference if he wakes up himself or if I wake him in terms of his attitude. Earlier bedtime isn't an option due to my working hours. We get home at 6 and he's in bed sleeping for about 7 and will generally sleep through so a solid 12/13 hrs.

I try to make it fun eg. If I close my eyes will a wee boy magically appear in these trousers etc or make his socks talk to him. And often this works well but the last while he's just been utterly determined to fight me on everything, wriggling away and kicking etc and it gets to the point where I need to basically pin him down enough to wrestle him into clothes because time is running out. I work late nights and do split shifts so I can be home for bedtime so it doesn't help that in the mornings I'm knackered and looking at a very long day. Sometimes it takes me so long just to get him dressed he ends up having to bring his breakfast in the car as nursery won't feed him or let him bring food in understandably and I don't want him going in hungry. He's having periods of the same level of disregulation and roughness in nursery across the day and they're now working on a behaviour management plan with him so I'm very keen to send him in in decent form rather than rushing with me stressed and trying to hide it.

I had gd and actually he did have a diabetes check a while ago which was fine but I do wonder sometimes as he's very sweaty and drinks a lot.

No judgment!! He does love a bit of TV but i do try to keep it to a minimum as he struggles with it being turned off though we've been working on this and he's definitely getting better at that. So it's hard to say if that would help or hinder. My only worry is he will zombie out and not eat when the TV is on.

It may be him feeling rushed. Once every few weeks we have a morning with nowhere to be and he'll come into my bed for a cuddle and light breakfast in bed and he really looks for that every day, but it's a rare treat for us. Because I'm working late and then coming home to housework/organising etc I'm permanently exhausted so I really don't want to have to start my morning even earlier as I struggle getting up an hour before we leave the house as it is.

During a phase like this I see no harm in putting him to bed in the clothes he’ll wear the next day. Bath, dressed for nursery, and into bed. Soft comfy joggies and a tshirt are absolutely fine to sleep in. It’s not forever, but do whatever makes the mornings a little easier for you.

Take him to nursery in his pyjamas.

I worked in nurseries and we had this with a few kids. They soon realise they need to get dressed in the morning.
Before anyone says, it doesn’t ‘shame’ them, but they see all the other children are dressed and they don’t want to be different. If you have helpful staff, his key worker can be all ‘oh noooo - you didn’t get dressed this morning???’
He’ll likely be more receptive to dressing the next time.

Can he have breakfast at nursery? Or if not, take a sandwich (for breakfast) with him (or banana, dry cereal). Or, even eat banana or toast in the car if not too messy. Breakfast is still a chore in my house and my kids are way older. They have very little, and take something for mid morning instead.

He just sounds tired. Can nursery not give him breakfast?

When we started having issues with kids delaying and delaying the morning routine, we all got up half an hour earlier. It totally removed the time pressure, we were all ready and out of the door on time.

How are your evenings? Since dropping her nap my daughter often crashes in the car on the way home, and doesn't wake back up. We have to transfer her to end from the carseat with no evening routine.

The following morning is often then difficult because she feels like she hasn't had any time with us. So she wants to cuddle and play and chat.

I concur with the "take all the stress out", easier said them done when you are going to be late for work. The other one is "give back as much freedom and control while chivvying them along".

Ones we do

-potty or toilet, choice of which parent comes to help
-Mummy or Daddy for getting dressed. Choice of clothes.
-Choosing clothes for Mummy and/ or Daddy
-Brush teeth in en suite or bathroom
-Choice of getting dressed or brushing teeth
-Mummy or Daddy for getting the car seat strapped up
-Choice of snack for car (this is additional breakfast as she often faff a lot over the meal

Wondering if she can get dressed into X, or sat in the carseat etc by the time Mummy counts to 5 or 10 is surprisingly effective, but only if she is distracted or faffing. If she is already annoyed or resistant, it's too much pressure.

Apparently a list of activities that must happen that they can tick off (having control about the order) can help, as well as a visual timer. I've got this in mind as she gets a little older.

Stay sane!

The nursery have moved their breakfast times earlier and now all kids need to be there for 8 to have breakfast and it takes us half an hour at least at that time to get through traffic to nursery so that would mean waking him even earlier at about 6 so we're not late and since he doesn't take naps that is a very long day for his age. He ends up with toast/ pancake and fruit in the car more often than I really care to admit because I know especially by the end of the week he's very tired and I'm trying to reduce the amount he needs to do in the mornings.

I have put him to bed in his clothes before when he didn't wear a uniform but he drinks a lot overnight and will sometimes leak through his pull ups so I would worry about the uniform getting wet and him needing changed again in the morning anyway.

Evenings, I collect him and he used to be very tired and cranky so now we have fruit in the car before we leave and then we're home about 6ish. Very quick dinner, bath to help him wind down, stories and lots of cuddles and bed for 7ish/7.30. Sometimes he will fight it but for the most part he'll be asleep by 8.

You can’t be putting him to bed is the clothes from the day before and sending him in the same clothes!

What time is he getting up? Can he go to a nursery closer to home?

Er, no he gets a bath every night and goes to bed clean - he comes back from nursery completely plastered so those clothes go straight in the wash! What I meant was when he was little if we had a particularly early start of a morning he'd have had a bath and then got clean leggings and a clean light sweatshirt on and gone to nursery wearing those unless he'd had a leak overnight. Now he's in a uniform I don't do that anymore as I don't want him peeing in his uniform and maybe running out of clean ones between washing/drying time.

This nursery is only 15 minutes away at non busy times so it's not exactly far from where we live, the issue is how congested the traffic is to get anywhere for before 9am. Nurseries in this area are very in demand, he was on the waiting list for this one for 6 months and is technically still on the waiting list for 2 others (put him down incase he didn't settle when we moved and i needed to change it) for over a year now. I haven't even got viewing those other Nurseries as their waiting list was so long they only facilitate that closer to the time. Distance and traffic wise we'd be no better off and the nursery he's currently in offers pre pre.

Agree to put him to bed earlier if you are having to wake him he’s still tired

He just sounds like a night owl rather than a morning lark. My DS1 was like this, he is a teenager now and still goes nocturnal every school holiday.

I get it honestly. I'm not a morning person either. Don't know how DS2 bounds out of bed at 7

I can't put him down earlier because of my working hours. He goes down as early as I can realistically manage. If I can get away from work early then he's down for 6.30ish but that's the exception rather than the rule.

🙄

OP I suggested putting him to bed in next day’s clothes but I see he has a uniform. My child also has a uniform for nursery. He gets up at 7:30 and we’re out the door for 8:30.

Our routine is he wakes, goes straight for a pee (no pull-ups), then has a bowl of cereal or pancakes (pre-made) at the kitchen table while I do stuff in the kitchen. Things like porridge or egg and soldiers are reserved for non-nursery days. After that he gets dressed and played while I have a shower. I only have a ten minute shower and then ten minutes or so to get dressed and ready. We brush teeth last of all right before we’re leaving with coat and shoes already on. I find for my son he likes everything out the way so he can have his time to play with his toys while I’m getting ready.