Does anyone else feel like the default parent… even when both of you work full-time?

[babyboy520]

I’ve been wondering lately if anyone else feels like the “default parent,” even in households where both partners work similar hours. My husband is great in many ways, but somehow I’ve ended up being the one who remembers everything — school emails, playdates, dentist appointments, birthday presents, even what size shoes the kids wear.
It’s not that he refuses to help, but I still have to ask or remind him about things, which makes it feel less like teamwork and more like management. And honestly, that mental load is exhausting.
Sometimes I catch myself feeling resentful, not because of the chores themselves, but because of how invisible the emotional and organisational work can be. He’ll say, “Just tell me what to do,” but that’s kind of the problem — I don’t want to have to tell someone to notice.
I’m curious how others handle this. Have you found ways to make the mental load more equal? Or is this just the reality of most households once kids come into the picture?

Probably going to get flamed for saying it but I think the mom is usually always the default parent. All those things about remembering appointments etc, most men just can't be arsed with and that's why it's a just tell me what to do situation. Women care about the small things more whereas men don't mind shit falling to the wayside

Yes — a lot of people feel this way, and you’ve described the “mental load” perfectly. It’s not just the tasks themselves, it’s the planning, tracking, anticipating and remembering that makes it draining, and that part often defaults to one parent, usually mum.
What has helped some couples (including us) is having a proper conversation about ownership, not just helping. Instead of “tell me what to do,” which still leaves you as the manager, agree on specific areas he’s fully responsible for — for example, all school-related admin, or all medical appointments, or all weekend activity planning. Once someone owns a category, they handle the remembering, the scheduling and the follow-through, not just the doing when asked.
It doesn’t fix overnight, but shifting from “helping” to “shared responsibility” can make a big difference. You’re definitely not alone in feeling this — it’s a really common dynamic, even in households where both parents work.

Yes, completely relate to this. We both work full-time too, but somehow I’m still the one with the never-ending list in my head — school events, clothes that suddenly don’t fit, what needs to go in tomorrow’s lunchbox. My husband’s great with the practical stuff if I ask, but like you said, the constant thinking ahead part never seems to land on him.
We’ve tried splitting things more intentionally, like him being fully in charge of certain areas (for example, after-school activities and meal planning on weekends), and that’s helped a bit. But honestly, it still feels like the default-parent thing just creeps back in. I don’t think people realise how draining the mental load can be until they’ve had to carry it themselves.

I'm the default in everything and I'm fed up of it and hate it. I also get 'tell me what you want me to do?' what's the point if you've got to tell them?

Yup, been like this for years. I've told him how I feel, Ive made shared Google docs for "us both" to add all life's to-do lists - he doesn't even check it.
It'll never change. Cos what's my options? Leave him? Then I'll be entirely on my own with everything.
I use it to my advantage. While I hate the fact I have to manage everything then delegate tasks to DH, it just means I delegate all the shit ones.
Holidays, date nights etc are always where I want to go (cos he ain't gonna plan them!)
And if he suggests something I don't want to do I'm just like yeah great, set it up. "Oh of course we'll go to your wanker friend's birthday at that shitty bar! Let me know when you've sorted a babysitter" And never mention it again 😂

Yep. It's putting me off having a second child. I'm very disappointed in my DH. He does a lot and pre-baby everything was easily 50/50 but having a baby has been a shock. I've been in work full time almost a year now and I'm exhausted.

I always really notice this when I occasionally go out for the day or away for the weekend with female friend(s).

Me: "Shall we go to X?"
Female friend: "Great, this hotel looks good. OK with you? I'll book it." Books it.
Me: "Thanks: I'll organise dinner." I organise dinner.
We settle up so we've both paid the same.

DH: "Might be nice to go to Y event."
Me, the week before: "So where are we staying? Will there be anything DC will eat there? You have booked the pet sitter right?" [Repeat x lots more arrangements if inlaws involved].
DH: "???"

I do take @JohnWickAteMyHamster's approach too. I ask myself with everything: "If this isn't organised, will it inconvenience me, or mainly DH?" and then decide on that basis.

The difficulty of course is with things where your child will miss out or a pet will suffer.

There's quite the grey area between "bare minimum needed" and "good quality of life" and we know what side of it most (not all) men would fall, left to themselves.

But in this example, what did he do when you were dating?

Did he book restaurants etc then? Does he hold down a decent office job? If he did/does then you know he’s perfectly capable of it, just can’t be arsed now because he knows you will do it, so why waste his own precious time. These are terrible qualities in a person, even if loads of other men have the same terrible qualities.

I guess there are some people, including men, who are incapable of this, so they presumably have other qualities to make up for it.

Yes exactly the same here. I tried splitting tasks - then kids were upset ‘I had no money for tuck shop’ (dad’s job). So then I have upset child and dad asking ‘what is the app called again for paying for it? Do you know what my login in is?’ Etc etc. It’s more work than just doing it!

The only thing that has helped the work I do is splitting meals - I organised tea 3 times a week and so does husband. He needs to plan meals, get ingredients and cook. I don’t get involved at all.

He's always been crap at this stuff tbh.

When we got together I was 25 and had no idea of the gendered aspects of this (having just come out of student years, a lot of people I knew were disorganised/very chill with arrangements).

It's when you have kids you notice, and then it's too late.

The sad thing is he's considerably better than friends' husbands.

Yes, I have passed over whole tasks and try not to ever get involved or comment.

So he does pretty much all food shopping, cooking and driving and everything to do with football (child's hobby). At primary he was one of the few dads who knew what was going on with special events, homework etc.

Yes, I did, so I became a single parent, which was far easier than living in hope that someone would step up and join in the parenting.

I’m married a long time and have really tried to split the mental load but had a little melt down yesterday when I found myself checking menu choices for MY big birthday meal for everyone , the one I have Checked everyone’s availability for , booked the hotel rooms etc etc. DH has organised the wine and was delighted with himself .
nothing for the non drinkers , only red and white wine cos that’s what he likes and I’ve sorted the champagne and corkage .
90% of it is on me .
He asked me this morning what time we are leaving for it and I exploded . Stop using my brain!!! We have had this discussion already and as we are picking someone up from a train on the way the time is already decided . All the info is in the WhatsApp thread but he can’t be arsed checking .
he then looks really injured and says ‘ I was only asking ‘.
use your own brain DH -

Generally I think you have to have a default parent. It’s just not possible to be 50/50 no matter how hard you try. I would say my DH is very good in lots of ways but it’s still a 60/40 split. However when we had children I said I just can’t take all the mental load so day to day stuff we split each knowing our jobs eg I do food shop and generally cook tea and he washes up and tidies kitchen up after. He does morning school run I do after school pick up.

mental load wise I do kids and all associated stuff eg appointments parties school stuff clothes uniform shoe size etc. he does house stuff mortgage bills car stuff for us both. It works but we have to be very clear about who is doing what. We also have a shared calendar. If it isn’t on the calendar it’s not happening

The bottom line is that the majority of these men are starting from a default assumption that this stuff is not their responsibility. They're just "helping".

I imagine if you said to some of them: "So you'd be OK if your DC was wearing too-small shoes; had dental decay or you didn't know about a problem at school as you didn't read any of the messages?" they'd be kind of horrified.

But that is where the situation could be if they didn't have someone else taking care of this stuff.

I completely agree with this!

What I can't get past is that whilst even though this is more even split in terms of time spent on family admin, if the couple were to separate and the female in this scenario isn't clear on the exact details of the mortgage, the bills, the outgoings etc she is completely flamed for not being as up to speed as the male, and for letting him do it. Life could become very difficult for her if she wasn't involved in all these areas. So it really is in a woman's best interest to be involved in the finances too (although she can't becuase she is too busy with all the other tasks delgated to her..)

Whereas for the male, not being clear on uniform, shoe size, parties etc wouldn't really have a detrimental effect on him and his life in anyway (and the female would still do it anyway!).

I also feel like if one of these men were to become e.g. widowed, then other women would rush to fill the gap with the children in a way that simply doesn't happen with female lone parents.

Yes, household chores are split evenly, but DC-related stuff is 95% me. He will take them to regular activities sometimes (if asked to by me) but everything is always booked and organised by me. I think he has made one GP appoinment in 15 years. However, a difficult situation with one of our DC has necessitated one of us dropping hours at work and he has stepped up to do that so I think that will mean he ends up doing more.

It’s an institutionalised belief that the mum is the default parent. I have specifically told the school and nursery umpteen times that my husband works from home 99% of the time and is always close by, whilst I on the other hand will be in the office, and without fail every single time they call me as a first port of call. It’s infuriating. There is just a generalised expectation that the mum should be the one doing it.

Im the default parent, but I dont particularly mind. We both have our set tasks, and he does pick up on random things that need doing and just does them, but I have a less stressful full time job, and he is less organised and less detail oriented. Being the holder of the 'mental load' means that things either get done or delegated by me - nothing gets missed. Dh will sometimes check, have we got gift for so and so kid party? And thanks me when it's already here and wrapped. We're a good team and appreciate each other.

Someone needs to take the lead i think on planning when there are kids involved - between parties, medicines, hospital/dr trips, school lunches, uniforms, nursery events, it's so easy for things to be dropped. I have 11 things on my calendar for just 2 kids this week that require costumes, meetings, gifts, photo days, termly homework projects, etc. It's nuts!

I think that is absolutely key @Blessedbethefruitz - say thank you! Be appreciative. Notice when your partner has organised stuff especially if it's stuff you wouldn't have wanted to do.

@arethereanyleftatall many men, like my DH, were totally fine pre-baby and quite organized because, let's face it, there really isn't that much to do pre-children. Once a baby is in the mix, there is so little headspace and many men just choose to be selfish.

The problem with your statement is that ok, they are terrible qualities in a person, but what am I going to do? The child is here. I can't change DH, fundamentally he is who he is and no amount of therapy and nagging will change him. So we carry on for the sake of the kids or divorce. Neither is great, is it?

I certainly appreciate that he takes on all food tasks and cleans the bathrooms!

I think this is set up from the start as the midwives/health visitors contact the mum for everything, so she gets invited to the vaccination appointments, and ends up registering the child at the GP etc., and by the time you sit down to divide up tasks there's a whole area of admin that's already her job.

A friend of mine recently found out that her name is recorded in her daughter's school file as Firstname LastnameCALL DAD FIRST.

Anyway, my DCs have two mums so no-one knows who they think the default parent is, and it turns out that actually you can parent equally.