Does anyone else feel like the default parent… even when both of you work full-time?

[babyboy520]

I’ve been wondering lately if anyone else feels like the “default parent,” even in households where both partners work similar hours. My husband is great in many ways, but somehow I’ve ended up being the one who remembers everything — school emails, playdates, dentist appointments, birthday presents, even what size shoes the kids wear.
It’s not that he refuses to help, but I still have to ask or remind him about things, which makes it feel less like teamwork and more like management. And honestly, that mental load is exhausting.
Sometimes I catch myself feeling resentful, not because of the chores themselves, but because of how invisible the emotional and organisational work can be. He’ll say, “Just tell me what to do,” but that’s kind of the problem — I don’t want to have to tell someone to notice.
I’m curious how others handle this. Have you found ways to make the mental load more equal? Or is this just the reality of most households once kids come into the picture?

I feel similar to a few here in that we're quite equal at home but I think there needs to be a slight default,

DH is in charge though of all haircuts (he books the boys in when he books his) all dentist (same process) and would quite happily call the GP or school if needed.

He's usually out of the house when they're getting ready for school on a morning so it's me who notices too short trousers or whatever, but if I text him and said I'm busy in meetings todays can you order some 10-11 school trousers from M&S he'd know the colour and style and he'd sort the delivery or collection.

He does most school pick ups from Afterschool club so gets all the messages regarding accidents or letters out of the bags, we have in the utility a pin board and wall calendar that we both glance at most days to know whats happening and who needs to be where,

DS1 karate teacher told me that his gloves are too small when I dropped him off a few days ago, I passed that straight to DH. and a pair arrived today.

The wall calendar is our biggest thing though and if its not on there then it doesn't happen - from both sides.

Clear and direct communication is what you need here.

“DH, I feel resentful when the majority of life admin falls to me even though we both work the same hours.”

”DH we need to discuss how we’re going to change current dynamics and I’m really not happy with how things are.”

You need a visible family calendar up for everyone to see and you should both have weekly jobs on there written down. DH to book dentist appointments, you to order new school shoes. Don’t back down, don’t feel afraid to repeatedly bring up the subject if he isn’t changing. If you accuses you of moaning ask him why you have to keep repeating the same thing, the reason is because he’s not changing and taking on his rightful parental responsibility.

I wasn’t going to raise it, but since you asked @SnottyBaby456, divorce has been brilliant for us. I’ll say that recognising it’s not going to be true for everyone. Selfishness isn’t a trait I want either of my girls thinking is acceptable. They now have very high bars for boys, have got the qualifications that should allow them to be financially independent, so all is good. And I, of course am very happy that I don’t have to put up with who couldn’t organise a date night for me, but would put in hours booking a golf trip for the lads. No thanks. Not good enough for me or my girls.

Yep...Tale as old as time

It was broadly "fine" until women were expected to work full or part time as standard.

I just wasnt going to go quietly so We had a lot of conversations and did fairplay and more chit chat. And me kicking off when when we had our oldest.

I have now managed to make a quite a few things solely "his" problem/ responsibility (and tbf he is good / on top of it) but I am the exception I think (my dh also "wanted" to be better)

I dropped a couple of nice to haves and now we are about halfsies

But I am high earner with health issues So it was in everyone's interests for him to lean in.

@QforCucumber sounds good.

Wouldn't be so good if the person then didn't actually do the stuff.

Then the other person's essentially playing chicken with the children's needs: small or big.

@Needlenardlenoo well yes, but in our house at least, I do things he asks me and he does things I ask of him - because we work together on life.

Yes. It's part of being a mother and in a relationship basically. Wish it weren't but it's an almost universal experience

That's nice 😀 (I'm not being sarcastic). The thing is, in our case DH isn't great at doing health, admin, social stuff on his own behalf, so doing it on behalf of a child was always going to be a stretch.

Perhaps I’ll change my husbands name to a feminine version and see what happens 😊

He’s actually great, he takes on loads, at least his fair share. It’s all the service providers and people around us that seem to take issue with anyone but mum doing the heavy lifting, including his own mother who thinks he’s deserves a sainthood for changing a nappy.

hah @Needlenardlenoo yeah, that helps. TBF DH has only really added the kids to things he was already doing, such as the haircuts and dentist stuff. Or if he's online shopping for himself he will ask if there's anything I think the kids need, He takes letters out of bags and writes things on the calendar but I can guarantee none of it actually goes in (hence saying there's still always a default) I know that I'm more admin based than him at life in general, possibly because my career revolved around calendars and deadlines and diaries, whereas he was always site based and out and about so admin type stuff involved in his day.

He did book a theatre for us recently though, and a comedy evening so maybe he's getting there.

To be fair, he has got better over time.

I had NO idea what a job of work it was going to be though.

@ANiceCuppaTeaandBiscuit at my DC's school every year we have to fill out a contact form (including emergency contacts) in the order in which they should be called. Would your school be willing to do this?

Its really hard to divide up because school can be so time consuming at certain times of year so the question of who has capacity should be taken into account. And doctors appointments are often whoever is available to take the DC.

But one person can be solely responsible for the dentist visits. I also think one person should do xmas presents and the other can do birthday presents.

I say on here every time someone asks for advice on returning to work after mat leave that the DC's dad needs to be responsible for all carers leave required for at least the first 6 months after anyone returns to work so that mum gets the chance to re-establish herself without being considered "unreliable" due to needing to look after ill DC.

As far as other tasks are concerned, if anyone's DH is not willing to take an active part in sharing them out, I agree with delegating the ones you are less fond of.

@Rainbowqueeen that is a great idea but our school’s office manager is genuinely terrifying, runs a tight ship and doesn’t take kindly to suggestions. She’s been in the job a long time and knows best if you know what I mean 😅

The database my school uses (there are only 1 or 3 in common use) lists first priority, second priority parents for calling. I'm sure they all do.

BUT! No database can stop someone who's decided they know better.

The mum being the default parent starts so young as well.
I’ve been a PE teacher for 20 years and in that time have probably heard over a thousand times ‘my mum forgot to pack my X’ and never, not once has a child said ‘my dad forgot to pack my X’

Have you got two children? If so then surely just ‘do’ a child each - he’s responsible for dentist shoes haircuts etc for one child.
if you worry he’ll neglect that child then swap every year.

You can’t even register a baby at the GP if you’re not their mum! Our daughters adoption order was granted before she was twelve months old, so we couldn’t actually register her anywhere for over eight weeks.

School MIS has priority for contacts, so its either a case of them ignoring the ranking given on the contact form, or ignoring the ranking on the MIS. Our sons previous school kept calling contact 3, despite the note on sims clearly stating to only call 3 if they have failed to speak to either of us, a note that is visible when looking at the contacts area, so we just removed his aunt as a contact as it was quite clear the staff either had significant issues with reading comprehension or they were a raging sexist.