Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Would you let your kids stay at home indefinitely?

56 replies

lazarou · 05/06/2008 09:57

The thread on putting your parents in a nursing home just got me thinking about this.

Will you allow your children to live with you for as long as they want to or will you encourage them to leave home as soon as you think they are ready?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

cmotdibbler · 05/06/2008 10:01

No - barring short term problems/illness etc I'd expect DS to be leaving home at 18.

piratecat · 05/06/2008 10:03

i would hope it will be a natural progresion that she leaves when ready, whatever she decides to do.

Yet she has said she is never ever leaving me.!!!!

micci25 · 05/06/2008 10:03

id encourage to them to leave. both my dp and my youngest sister have mollycoddled and kept at home longer than neccessary. and they are both clueless when it comes to behaving in an adult relationship and looking after themselves. i wouldnt want my dc's to be like that.

i wouldnt throw them out onto the street but i certainly wouldnt encourage them to stay and if they did stay they would be contributing equally to household bills and be in charge of thier own washing, cooking. shopping etc. in order to teach them about the realities of life outside the family home.

i dont think it does kids any good to be kept as children once they have grown into adults. in dp's case it causes a lot of problems in our relationship as i have effectively stepped into 'mummy's' role and im often resentfull about how much he needs doing for him and how many things he doesnt 'know' about re washing machines, picking up after himself (although i taught him the washing machine one early on)

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

lazarou · 05/06/2008 10:15

My dh left home at 18 and went to university. His parents changed the locks. He does washing, cooking etc. He irons his own shirts too because apparently I don't do it properly.
I found myself not being able to properly leave home. I always went back. We lived with my parents for a while and now we rent a house off them.
I would quite happily live with them again, and I will happily let my sons live with me for as long as they want. Luckily dh doesn't dispute this. I just love having family around. When I go to see my friend her dad has a large family and the house is always full. I love it.

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 05/06/2008 10:17

DS1 (12) is convinced he never wants to go home.
DS2 (10) has already looked into home contents insurance, and wants to move out on his 16th birthday. He says he will still pop in for tea once a week, and he'll cook me lunch at his place every Sunday.

I'm hoping the reality for both of them is somewhere in the middle.

Saturn74 · 05/06/2008 10:17

go away from home

aGalChangedHerName · 05/06/2008 10:19

I would be happy to see them leave at whatever age they feel ready to.

My ds's have already said they want to live with us for a few years more (ds1 is nearly 17) so that they can save for a house etc.

Ds1 has a part time job and is v independant so i don't worry about keeping him a "child" at all. Ds2 will be getting a job when he's 16 too

flowerybeanbag · 05/06/2008 10:21

I won't throw anyone out on the street, but I'd be gently pushing if it became ridiculous. I left home at 18 to go to university and never moved back in, which I am proud of.

DrNortherner · 05/06/2008 10:21

I left home at 18. Paid my own rent, my own bills and became very independant.

My boss's kids age 23 and 25 still live at home and they are hopless. She still treats them like they are 8 or something. She does everything for them from washing to cooking ti typing CV's

Basically I know my parents would be there if the shit hit the fan, but on a day to day basis I was on my own and that's how I wanted it.

OverMyDeadBody · 05/06/2008 10:22

Well I'd hope he would leave home when ready, sometimes between 18 and 24, but if for whatever reason he needed to stay at home with me, or needed to move back in with me, was ill/unemployed/couldn't afford his own house, he would be welcome to stay. Not indefinately though, just until he sorted himself out, with my help iof necessary.

I still know that I'll always be welcome if I needed to move back in with my parents, even now, it would be awful if you felt you couldn't rely on your parents or other family in times of hardship or stress.

DrNortherner · 05/06/2008 10:22

Oh yes, jobs at age 15/16 is a veruy good idea, i worked from being 15.

I will encourage my ds to do this also.

OverMyDeadBody · 05/06/2008 10:24

I would make sure he contributed though, but even now I make sure he contributes, so that's unlikely to change.

My older brother moved in with my parents and then took the piss, not conributing at all, expecting my mum to do all the cooking and laundry like he was still child. They gave him an ultimatum and then kicked him out. Was the best thing they ever did for him as it forced him to finally pull his finger out.

Fennel · 05/06/2008 10:25

Mine will be welcome to stay over 18 if they act fully as adults, paying their way, sharing the work. Like with adult housemates or lodgers.

But personally I would have rather lived anywhere than with my parents after I was 18, nothing would have induced me back home (and nothing would induce me to ever let my father live with me). I don't really understand people who get on well with their parents as adults, it's just not my experience.

Original poster

lazarou · 05/06/2008 10:25

Wow, Dn, Idon't think I'll be typing their cv's, that's madness.
I do think I will still cook for them and do their washing.
Mind you, they are only 2 and 3 at the moment, it may change when they hit their teens.
I think part of it for me is the worrying about whether they will be alright. Do you know what I mean? I'm a complete worrier and I know it will be hard for me to let them go.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 05/06/2008 10:25

I'll be happy for DS (14) to move out when it seems to suit him, though I think it will be a while yet. What I think is most important though is not to keep treating them like children - so everyone should be capable of cooking, washing clothes, cleaning the bathroom, paying bills etc whether they are in their parents house or not. That way they won't be big helpless children when they eventually do move out.

OverMyDeadBody · 05/06/2008 10:26

I think, if there is room in the house, they pay their own way, contribute to cleaning/laundry/cooking and respect your rules then there is no reason not to let them stay is there?

Obviously it's not ideal, but if it's the best option at the time, it's fine right? Families should stick together.

OverMyDeadBody · 05/06/2008 10:27

I agree amuminscotland, it can only work if you don't continue to treat them like children and they don't assume you will still 'parent' them like children.

ComeOVeneer · 05/06/2008 10:28

I am prepared to let them stay until 21 then out the door.

My parents where totally unsubtle over it. I was 21 and at uni, came home for the weekend to find my bedroom had been converted into a bathroom!

ComeOVeneer · 05/06/2008 10:29

DRNorthener, my SIL has only just moved out and she is 32!

Original poster

lazarou · 05/06/2008 10:30

I agree OMDB. It's difficult though isn't it? I would be happy for them to live with me, but it would be better for them to be independent from around 18. I think maybe I'm just thinking about what I would like rather than what would be best for them. AS long as they are happy.

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 05/06/2008 10:31

my dd1 had a gap year and then went to uni which was a 4 year course graduated last summer lived here with bf until a few weeks ago and is now in the house i built in the backyard

dd2 met a bloke got pregnant and moved in ie just stopped coming home when she was 18 never really discussed it

she now lives round the corner rent free in exhs uk house with bf and dgs

and ds now lives there with her too

he went to uni but failed the year came home last summer and didnt get a job so i said he could go and live with her so i could claim back my council tax as a full time student tho that didnt actually happen as dd1 was here

anyway i didnt want him dossing around relying on me so thought dd2 could have him

so he is still there and i am on my own

RosaLuxembourg · 05/06/2008 10:31

Mine can stay until they leave fulltime education. After that I would want to be encouraging them to set up home for themselves. In any case, there are very few jobs around where we live, so they are likely to have to move away to get work and I would want them to do that.

OverMyDeadBody · 05/06/2008 10:32

yes that's not subtle at all CoV!

My dad refuses to downsize now only two of his 5 children still live at home, despite all the extra work a big house entails, because he always wants us all to know there's always room for us if we want to come and stay or move back in. He's said, only half joking, that if he could have his own way we'd all still be living at home with him!

Fennel · 05/06/2008 10:33

I have to say, I would warn my dds off relationships with men who still live at home with their mothers. IME these men are not good partners. Too used to being looked after.

so if your sons want to date my (very attractive and desirable ) dds I suggest you boot them out and make them learn to look after themeselves.

peacelily · 05/06/2008 10:33

I left home at 17 and moved back in for a few months a couple of times. Once at 19 when I was ill and needed an operation (heart condition) and once at 22 after having moved on from an abusive relationship. Both times my parents were there for me but i didn't take the mickey I was out again within a few months.

I would encourage dd to move on asap after turning 18 and if she did stay I'd expect her to have a job, pay rent, do her own housework/washing. And whilst of course she could have a partner stay sometimes if it was a serious relationship i wouldn't want a string of people staying over!

If by 25 she was still there with no plans I'd give her a serious nudge TBH!!

Flip

1 2 3