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Parenting

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Original poster

Would you let your kids stay at home indefinitely?

56 replies

lazarou · 05/06/2008 09:57

The thread on putting your parents in a nursing home just got me thinking about this.

Will you allow your children to live with you for as long as they want to or will you encourage them to leave home as soon as you think they are ready?

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Original poster

lazarou · 05/06/2008 10:34

OMDb, my friends dad said to her a while ago, before she bought a house, 'why rent a house when you can live here for free'
I think I will be like that, perhaps not for free because I know we won't be as comfortably off as my parents were, but letting them know they are always welcome.

OP posts:

micci25 · 05/06/2008 10:34

lazarou, as some one who has to live with a partner who has been looked after all thier lives you will be doing them no favours doing all that for them after they capable of doing it themselves.

in fact if we didnt have the dc's i would have left dp long ago. i have to keep constantly reminding him that i am not his mother and have enough to do with out 'where's my this, have you washed this yet, do my lunch for work please, but i washed up yesterday' and all i get from his mum is 'oh yes he has always been that way, he needs some one to look after him' he is 33 this year!

my sister is similar she is still living at home at 22 with no plans to leave when my mum was in hospital not long ago she was concerned about who was going to do her washing for her and she is one fo the most selfish people i know. there is no way i would let my dc's be this way.

i would never make them feel unwelcome but they wouldnt be waited on, more like treat like adult lodgers, as fennel said.

Original poster

lazarou · 05/06/2008 10:35

Fennel

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zippitippitoes · 05/06/2008 10:36

i stopped doing kids washing when they were young teens

Cappuccino · 05/06/2008 10:37

they can stay forever afaik

I lived with my mother till I was about 26

I mean I went to uni and came back

my mother converted a couple of rooms in teh house to give me a little kitchen and privacy and I lived there just like it was a rented flat. Dh moved in after a bit; he was living with his parents up till then.

I wasn't hopeless and mollycoddled; she didn't do my washing or make my dinners or wake me up in the mornings. Some weeks we wouldn't see each other for days. I lived independently completely but it was just cheaper, and as a junior reporter I earned about £1.46 a month

She thought really hard about how to support me as an adult and allow me to make my own way in life while still having me under the same roof

it was a lovely thing to do and I am really close to my mum

zippitippitoes · 05/06/2008 10:38

i did ask the girls last week if i should ask ds to come back and they said no lol he will drive you insane

zippitippitoes · 05/06/2008 10:40

actually come to think of it i asked the dd who doesnt have him living with her the other one might have had his bag packed

ZoeC · 05/06/2008 10:40

I left home really at 18 when I went to uni, increasingly returned for shorter periods for hols then didn't go back when I graduated as I'd met dh then and moved in with him.

My brother is 32 and lives with Mum, but he will cook for himself, pays his way etc. I think if he met someone that would trigger him moving out, Mum appreciates the extra money his rent brings her and things got quite tight for her when she and Dad divorced so she didn't push him to go. Really, it's more like a house share than he is still 'living at home' in that sense I suppose.

aGalChangedHerName · 05/06/2008 10:40

I think some men living at home with their mothers are useless but don't tar them all with the same brush!!

My ds's are good at babysitting their sisters and doing their rooms and cooking etc.

Dc can live at home without being pampered IMO.

My db has moved back home for the 3rd time at the age of 35 and living rent free/taken away on holiday by my parents etc.

That's why i am not making the same mistakes as my parents. When they are ready to leave i don't want em back!!

Cappuccino · 05/06/2008 10:43

yes you are right AGal, it is about how they are treated that is important

men can still go away and live in their own place and still bring their washing home

mollycoddling isn't just about living under the same roof

dh lived with his parents but he wasn't mollycoddled in fact his mother was a bit of a cow tbh

Original poster

lazarou · 05/06/2008 10:44

I'm trying to put money away for them now that they can use when they are older. I think I would encourage them to try and buy a property. Actually, I will be encouraging them not to timewaste like I did. I hope they find something they want to do, and stick at it. I really don't want them to have to worry about money, that's probably my biggest fear.

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aGalChangedHerName · 05/06/2008 10:45

ooohh i am not a cow lol

I just don't run around after them. Make their own pack lunch etc.

They are wonderful with their sisters who are nearly 4 and nearly 2. That shows me that they are not useless and i wouldn't mind them being here for years. Would quite like the dig money

OverMyDeadBody · 05/06/2008 10:46

Yep I agree, not all are mollycoddled by their mums, but I would steer clear of dating any man still living at 'home' with his parents, just to be on the safe side!

When they are younger, I don't think it matters though, but after about 26, if they've never experienced living on their own and the apron strings are still firmly tied up it's not a good idea.

IllegallyBrunette · 05/06/2008 10:46

I would let them stay until they were good and ready to move out. I wouldn't push it at all, encourage it if they were thining about it yes.

My brother is 34 and still lives at home with my dad, and it has been very important to my dad that my brother never felt under pressure to move out.
My brother pays his way etc, so it works all round really.

zippitippitoes · 05/06/2008 10:46

my dd1 bf moved out of home and then back in and he is lovely he is 28

Original poster

lazarou · 05/06/2008 10:47

I would like to think that I could go to the pub with them when they are older and someone might say 'oh are they your brothers?'

I can dream

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mumblechum · 05/06/2008 10:48

I'd expect ds to come home in Uni holidays then once he gets his first job, move out completely (we'll be able to buy him a little cottage).

Hope he has us round for Sunday lunch occasionally...

OverMyDeadBody · 05/06/2008 10:54

Lazarou if you don't want them worrying abou tmoney then you need to teach them to budget, and know how to manage their own money. The last thing you want is kids who rely on their parnets for money and to bail them out of their financial messes.

It's great to put aside money for them when they are older, but I had an ex who's parents did this but tought him nothing abou tmoney, so he just blew it all and then they bailed him out of his debt! He was back in debt a year later as he had no clue and also didn't worry about money and assumed his parents would keep helping him.

OverMyDeadBody · 05/06/2008 10:56

lol lazarou, I hope that too! I doubt I'll look young enough though

micci25 · 05/06/2008 10:57

okay so maybe it isnt staying at home that has caused dp to be the way he is but the mollycoddling.

there is certainly none of that going on in my house dd1 is 4 and has a small washing basket in her own room, she is responsible for putting her dirty clothes into, she 'helps' me put her washing and loves to 'help cook' on the weekends. she is made to put her toys away herself and take out her plate once she has finished eating and if she wants something that is in her reach e.g crisps, bottles of water she is expected to and does go to get them herself. and the older she gets the more things she will be responsible for doing herself. and i would be the same with any ds i had too. it may sound harsh but i am determinded that my dc's will not grow into adult babies and will leave home knowing how to use a washer and cook a variety of dishes.

i would be ashamed if a stressed out dil turned up my doorstep complianing that she had to look after my ds.

i guess as long as they are treat as adults there really shouldnt be a problem with staying in the family home. but i still wouldnt encourage it myself unless it was for geniune reason such as illness, saving for a house, lack of money due to training for a job etc.

Original poster

lazarou · 05/06/2008 11:09

Well, mine are two and three and they seem to like putting the dishwasher on, putting washing in the machine, sweeping the floor etc. I never ask them to, they just see it as fun I think.
My uncle lived at home until he was in his thirties and my gran used to run his baths for him. I also remember she used to crimp his hair (in the eighties) before he went out.
My mum went to see my grandparents a few months back and my uncle was there with his wife. My mum couldn't believe it when my uncle gave my gran and grandad his trousers to wash, and they did it!
Also, my parents had to sleep in the front room because my uncle was in the spare room. I can't believe they didnt offer the room to my parents. I certainly won't be as bad as that.....I hope.

OP posts:

joash · 05/06/2008 11:11

NO - probably up to about aged 20 at the very most.
ALtough DS (aged almost 19) shows no interest in leaving, but then, he cooks for the family, bakes and does all the families ironing - so I might relax my 20 rule

Cappuccino · 05/06/2008 11:12

overmydeadbody that is so right

my mum taught me how to budget and she had £0

dh's parents didn't, they were comfortably off, and he ended up in debt

teaching children about money is far more important than giving it imo though if you can start them off on the housing ladder that is a good thing

that's the only thing I would think of giving my kids money for tbh

joash · 05/06/2008 11:14

in fact, he is currently baking choccy muffins as I type

aGalChangedHerName · 05/06/2008 11:20

My ds1 got a joc at 16 and since then i have only paid for food and toilitries for him. I don't charge him dig money as he is still at school doing highers and works 10 hours a week. He pays for everything else himself and is saving a little each month for driving lessons and holidays.

He pays for his mobile phone (£30 a month) and his golf club subs (£28 a month) himself also.

I am determined to never have him end up like my brother!!!

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