How to explain can’t invite ourselves around to other peoples houses to child

[Hattieandcake]

One of my sons is obsessed with going round other peoples houses - unfortunately he never gets invited anymore but did a bit when circumstances were different and he was younger. He is never happy doing stuff with the family and wants to go to others, he isn’t close friends with anyone and mixes about at school. We aren’t in a position to offer lots of play dates although we have asked a couple of times over the years with mixed response. He is quite full on emotionally but not unkind and fun to play with. I want to sit him down now and say basically to forget about it as he keeps asking infront of other mums who just make excuses or say “we will sort something out” which is even worse as never happens.

How old is he?

Of course you can explain that to him.

And when he asks himself round you jump in and say, with a chuckle "oh you're funny Jimmy, you know we don't just invite ourselves round to other people's houses!"

9

He was quite upset tonight as he asked why I never plan anything with anyone 😥

Do you not? If no, how come?

To answer your title, you tell him "It is rude to try and invite yourself somewhere".
If he hasn't got that by 9, then you clearly need to be more blunt.

I'm not sure why you think others would invite him to play when you've only invited other dc "a couple of time over the years" and also he doesn't really have friends at school.

What else does he do, outside school ?
Both to fill up his time a bit more, but also to potentially make some friends.

What does "quite full on emotionally" mean in reality

My six year old knows it's rude to invite yourself somewhere, because I've told him that since he was younger. Why can't you just tell him?

Yeah, my 4 year old knows that you can’t just invite yourself around someone’s house (ditto, you can’t self invite yourself to a birthday party, another social faux pas favourite of hers!). It doesn’t need a big sit down chat, nor do you need to say “forget about it” (which seems a strange response as if you believe it’s personal to your son and won’t ever happen?). Surely it’s just basic manners and them needing to learn their place in the world and how social interactions work. Of course it can be hard for us as parents, but they do need to realise that others might not adore them as much as we do, so won’t be as open to their presence 24/7! (my daughter certainly struggles with the concept that anyone wouldn’t be absolutely delighted to host her at her whim!)

But what do you mean when you say he’s never happy doing stuff with the family? What is it about stuff with the family that’s driving his desire to be inside other homes?

I know you say you can’t offer lots of play dates, but if you do want others to host your son at their house, then you need to be equally open to hosting. If you want him to be invited around others houses, then I suggest you go on the offensive and set up a play date or two at your place first, alongside teaching him about how to interact with others

What others said. What stops you inviting someone to your home, or offering to take a friend along to the park after school / to soft play or the cinema one weekend or holiday?

Just tell him it's rude. He's old enough to understand it. At 9 you really need to help him navigate this. If you really can't have people over can you meet in the park or take him to clubs? He's got an unmet social need that needs to be filled and you or his dad need to step up too.

I think you're upset because he's right.

Why have you let this build up into a regular thing for him to bring up? It’s a totally normal thing to teach a child that you don’t invite yourself places, just say it.

I feel sorry for him that you’re allowed him to think this is ok, and may lead into some of the reasons he’s not invited in the first place.

This is a perfectly normal boundary to teach him, ‘no we don’t invite ourselves to things/to people’s houses that’s rude’.

What else does he do outside of school? Could you enrol him in clubs so he has more things to do outside of family activities? Football, scouts etc?

When my children were young they used to go and knock for their friends. It's a very different world now. It's sad that you have to explain that.

I had to have this conversation with my 6 year old recently. It hasn’t come up before. I said we can invite people around. It is tricky for us as her older sister is in autistic burn out but I’ve found a way to make it work.

By 9 they do want to start spending more time with their friends.

Why can’t you do play dates ? A few times over the years isn’t a lot and possibly why he isn’t asked /invited

if he asks to go to bens house / say no - but say to bens mum would ben like to come to ours ?

mini blondes is similar age but had a best friend as well as others. So sees best friend prob every other week for play /tea tho sees her twice a week at gym as well

but we also invite /play with others

can he do out of school activities ? Football scouts etc - tho obv get it ca. be a money issue

gym costs me £175 a month and it is a a large amount to budget for monthly £45 a week roughly but I make it work

My child is 6 and has ASD and ADHD, and he gets very upset by this. He doesn’t get invited to many things and it makes him really upset. He just wants to play with other kids, but doesn’t understand the social rules on it.

Again do you invite first ?

I'm going to be really blunt op. Sorry.

All you need to say is "Mummy doesn't arrange any play dates at our house. Play dates tend to be reciprocal, therefore you won't usually be invited for play dates. It's very rude to ask for them, especially as we don't offer them."

If you can’t do play dates at home you could still invite other children to do things with you?

I dont understand why you cannot plan anything either.

why can you not have play dates at your house?
why can you not plan to meet at a park, playground or play centre?

does he attend any clubs like scouts etc? Or Sports clubs?

Yes! Our house is very child proofed, so it’s easy to have kids in our house.
My child goes to a specialist provision and a lot of children get transport so I don’t actually know the school mums to invite their children to over, and vice versus. So unfortunately school play dates aren’t a thing.

I hate to be 'that' poster, but do you think he could be autistic @Hattieandcake . My autistic/adhd DC3 used to have this exact complaint, as does my autistic nephew.

So many times I have explained that we can't invite ourselves to other people's houses. It is really tough.

It is controversial, but carefully managed online gaming has helped DC3 a lot socially. Minecraft with friends has helped him build bonds and meet ups for in person gaming. Parental restrictions are really good these days. He only connects with people he knows IRL. It is helping my younger nephew too.

Now my DS is a bit older, he has started to migrate to in person role playing games.

Screens can be very soothing and calming for some ND children. It is clear to me to see the different roles that different screen time plays for my DC. Gaming engages their brain and sometimes TV time is needed for switching off and resting. It has been positive in our family. They are actually really good at not spending hours at a time in front of screens.

DC1 writes, DC2 is a voracious reader and writer, DC3 draws and also goes through periods of writing. They all game and DD loves her TV shows.

@Runoutofstrength I used to write a note that a teacher could pop in a school bag for parents I didn't know. I'd include my number so they could get in touch.

So you need to tell him no to invite himself to peoples houses.
Try to plan a few play dates with kids in his class as he wants to.
count he do cubs or similar which has a social element to it