How to explain can’t invite ourselves around to other peoples houses to child

[Hattieandcake]

One of my sons is obsessed with going round other peoples houses - unfortunately he never gets invited anymore but did a bit when circumstances were different and he was younger. He is never happy doing stuff with the family and wants to go to others, he isn’t close friends with anyone and mixes about at school. We aren’t in a position to offer lots of play dates although we have asked a couple of times over the years with mixed response. He is quite full on emotionally but not unkind and fun to play with. I want to sit him down now and say basically to forget about it as he keeps asking infront of other mums who just make excuses or say “we will sort something out” which is even worse as never happens.

So a sen school. Ok. Ask teacher to put a post note in each child’s bag with your name and number - so write and give her slips

assuming you don’t have a class wats app group

is there a Facebook page /group so can do a post saying would love to meet up/play dates with class members

I have invited / offered a few times but people are quite busy it never amounts to firm dates. We can’t do in the week due do work / wrap around and people are busy on weekends / don’t want to entertain other children I find. People here seem to stick in cliques. I think the appeal is devices in other peoples houses he has been to in the past ! When I suggest inviting a friend he says no he wants to go to someone else’s house.

He does do a few clubs which he enjoys but the issue is going to other peoples houses !!

You say “you can’t invite yourself around other peoples houses because it’s rude”. Then invite someone round yours instead.

And you have to hold a very firm and consistent line here. "The best way to get yourself invited to someone else's house is to be a really good friend to them and invite them round to your place. In the meantime, if I hear you invite yourself round to someone's place, [insert consequence of choice].

You answer it with the truth.

You don’t just turn up at peoples houses because it is considered rude. Yes it’s lovely to make plans with people but everybody leads busy lives and people have their own things going on and you can’t just turn up.

It's not up to him. You need to invite people to get a reciprocal invitation. I'm sure other children like the novelty of someone else's home

People here seem to stick in cliques.

Cliques? Or just friendships?!

You are the adult here and need to explicitly teach him the social rules here. He can't invite himself to other people's homes because that's not how it works. You need to invite people to yours first. If you don't do this, you'll have to explain to him why.

So when you pick up and he says I want to go to bens house - is there a reason why you can’t arrange it for the following week for Ben to come to you ?

I hate spur of the moment play dates

they chat and plan at school 😂 and come running out can we do a play date today

and we are all no. Need to arrange it. Not on the day

‘You have to stop inviting yourself to other people’s houses. You wait to be invited by their parents. That’s how it’s done.’
He’s 9, he will understand that.

I have invited / offered a few times but people are quite busy it never amounts to firm dates.

'A few times' in what is presumably 6 years isn't really a lot.

'It never amounts to firm dates' would seem to suggest you need to be more specific about what you are inviting the child to.
....... come round and play on Saturday afternoon ? If the parent answers "We do X on Sat afternoons" you could say "What about the morning then, or Sunday" - at least that way you know not to ask 'Bert' again as either he does have a really active weekend, or he doesn't want to come and play with your child. So you can ask 'Fred' instead.

However - this seems to be the sort of question usually asked on here by parents of Reception children. If your ds is 9, he is likely to be in Yr5 (possibly Yr4) if you are in England, and it seems very late to be starting to think about nurturing friendships. Haven't most dc got their own friends by that stage ?

At age 9 he should be able to talk directly with his friends at school and arrange a playdate. The other child needs to consent and ask/nag their parent.

If his friends want him over they will ask their parents, if their parents don't dislike your child then they will arrange a playdate.

He has to work on his own friendships, you can't do it for him. He's absolutely old enough.

Also if he's nagging you and you've said no and he continues to nag then teach him that nagging is unacceptable behaviour.

Another suggestion is to work on making more friends outside of school by joining cubs, marital arts club or a sports team.

Sounds like you need to work harder on offering play dates - perhaps suggest a trip out somewhere.
We are planning a day out to X . Johnie wondered if Fred would like to come too ( our treat) . Is there a weekend day that would work for you? If there is no date free for a month , ask someone else …

I have invited / offered a few times but people are quite busy it never amounts to firm dates. We can’t do in the week due do work / wrap around and people are busy on weekends / don’t want to entertain other children I find. People here seem to stick in cliques.

You say parents

'don't want to entertain other children I find'.

Why would that mean they would say no to YOU asking them to yours for a play date??

I think you need to keep trying, though it sounds like you haven't wanted to do this for the first 5 years of your child's school life (when most of the play dates tend to happen) and friendships have all been well established between others.

I think you are going to have to work quite hard here now to remedy this. I'd speak to the teacher and see if she can suggest some friendships to encourage. You need to contact the parents and invite them to yours.

You have to explain to him that it's rude to invite yourself to others houses and an invite has to come from them coming to his house first. Keep explaining it.