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Original poster

Post partum depression and rage has ruined my relationship with my DD (16)

30 replies

ByLoyalAzureBear · 10/10/2025 13:13

Hello to all. I am reaching out to see if anyone can relate or better yet provide some advice.

I am 38. My DD is 17, and my DS is 13 months. For years, it was just me and DD living together although I did split custody with her very involved dad. When DD was 13, I met my now DH. They go on well (with the typical teenager issues) and still do. When I got pregnant with my DS, I could tell DD was apprehensive and not excited but I assured her I loved her and we’d be as close as always.

Then I gave birth to my DS. I began to experience postpartum depression and rage, which I look back on now as the darkest mental period of my life. Between the baby and the anxiety I wasn’t sleeping, which made everything worse. I wasn’t getting up to prepare breakfast or see my daughter off to school, but worse than that was the rage. I absolutely took it out on my DH and DD. There was more than once where she cleaned the kitchen “wrong” (it was fine) where I yelled at her, I flew into a rage when she woke up the baby coming into my room to tell me she was going out with a friend and I was generally unpleasant and mean until I got medicated when DS was 8 months.

The final straw seemed to be on her birthday, when DS was 6 months old. She wanted to go out for lunch, me and her and a few of her girlfriends. We arrived and sat down and although I was anxious being away from the baby, I was doing okay. Then DH texted me that he was giving the baby a dose of paracetamol because he was fussy from teething and the anxiety of the thought of my baby being medicated and me not being there was too much so I had to leave.

DD was so hurt, told me off and has been cold and distant ever since. She stays with her dad 95% of the time, and acts like I am an annoyance when I’m around. I have apologized profusely for how I acted and what I did, and I’m truly greatly ashamed of it but she doesn’t seem to care. She flat out refuses to do anything if her brother has to come along, and basically ignores him the rare time she’s over at our house, but DH works odd hours lately which makes it very hard to do things without DS. Does anyone have any idea on how to mend this relationship, as I am heartbroken.

OP posts:

Thatmoves · 10/10/2025 13:16

Family therapy
you and your daughter

and maybe take her away, just you and her

within 3/4 years, you met someone, had a baby with them, and then your mental health massively deteriorated. The poor girl probably feels like your choices have hugely negatively impacted her and she is rightfully angry.

Thatmoves · 10/10/2025 13:19

but DH works odd hours lately which makes it very hard to do things without DS.

excuse

Where there is a will there’s a way . Find the will

Motheranddaughter · 10/10/2025 13:21

I don’t know why you told her you would be as close as ever as short term that was never going to happen
Does she know you were ill
You need to prioritise her some of the time

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DelphiniumBlue · 10/10/2025 13:22

I don't think there's a short term fix. She thinks that she comes a very poor second to DS, and nothing you say will convince her otherwise. You will have to demonstrate over time that she is as important to you. And if she's not living with you that will be difficult. You are going to have to find ways of showing her . For now, I guess that would be things like regular texts asking how she is, how she got on with whatever it was she was stressing about last time you spoke ( the netball match, the falling out with bestie, finding the right thing to wear for an event, pointing her to a good website for homework,) whatever shows you care without demanding much from her. Keep it light, send funny memes, don't talk too much about DS.
You might need to keep that going without getting much back for a while. This is for you to fix, not her.

Canopop · 10/10/2025 13:28

I agree that therapy for you and your daughter potentially individually but definatley together in a family therapy kind of setting would be advantageous here. Keep conversations about her ask her about her without going back to baby or to yourself . It’s a hard road but you will get there

Overthebow · 10/10/2025 13:31

You need to prioritize your dd sometimes. It must have been really hard for her with the change of you meeting someone, then living together then having a new sibling. It’s all been about your relationship and your new baby and your mental health but your dd is a child and needs her mum to prioritize her. I would make sure you carve out some time for just you and her each week, talk about what she wants to do and make it happen. You’ll have to rebuild your relationship slowly and it may take some time but you can get there if you put the effort in.

stichguru · 10/10/2025 13:32

Basically you either really love and value you daughter or you don't. If you do you need to start carving out chunks of time where she and you go out and do something fun together and whoever is looking after DS rings you only if there is a major emergency, NO checking your phone, NO just ringing or texting to see if he is ok, no "just checking in because he might be unsettled without you". All these things say he is more important than her. If he isn't you need to show this.

speakingofart · 10/10/2025 13:35

There’s a lot in your post about you.

What about her? How is she feeling and what does she need and want?

CrowMate · 10/10/2025 13:35

So, this was for a period of 8 months 4 years ago? This hasn’t been an ongoing pattern of behaviour from you? Is there understanding from those around you and your daughter that you were unwell?

What has been tried across those 4 years to help mend the relationship?

McSpoot · 10/10/2025 13:37

CrowMate · 10/10/2025 13:35

So, this was for a period of 8 months 4 years ago? This hasn’t been an ongoing pattern of behaviour from you? Is there understanding from those around you and your daughter that you were unwell?

What has been tried across those 4 years to help mend the relationship?

Her son is only 13 months old - so she only started medication five months ago.

Jellybunny56 · 10/10/2025 13:37

CrowMate · 10/10/2025 13:35

So, this was for a period of 8 months 4 years ago? This hasn’t been an ongoing pattern of behaviour from you? Is there understanding from those around you and your daughter that you were unwell?

What has been tried across those 4 years to help mend the relationship?

DS is only 13 months old, so this was 6ish months ago.

jeaux90 · 10/10/2025 13:41

Invest in therapy together. You have blown this so you need to get this glued back together. If you are friendly with her father try and see if he will support and encourage it

Cinaferna · 10/10/2025 13:45

I agree with a PP who says, take her away with you. Just the two of you. Very briefly ( so you don't make it all about you) explain you had severe PND which is a hormone imbalance that can occur after pregnancy and causes severe mood swings. You are deeply sad she was on the receiving end of this. You'd do anything to turn back time, to have been well and present when she needed you back then, but you can't. All you can do is be present now and in the future. And both of you can decide to have a loving relationship from now on. But she needs to want that and accept that you can only change the present and future, not the past. She also needs to understand you were not in control when you were ill but it was pregnancy related and won't happen again.

Listen to her. Ask about her life. Treat her to small things that prove you notice her. Maybe offer to make up for her 16th by choosing a piece of jewellery together that is a symbol of your love for her.

Maybe discuss up-dating her bedroom together, or plan a party for her next birthday. If she has any interest in uni, offer to take her on a couple of weekends away to open days or to see if she likes the towns or campuses.

Talk to your ex too. Be honest about the PND and ask him to help her understand it was an illness that has passed if she is still mainly at his and to help her realise it is important to forgive loved ones and give them a chance, especially when they truly regret behaviour and are desperate to make amends.

And please be vigilant about menopause. Some women get hormonal rages then too. You can't afford for it to happen again. If it does, get help ASAP.

No one gets through life or parenthood, without making a few major mistakes. What matters is the effort made to put them right.

CrowMate · 10/10/2025 13:49

McSpoot · 10/10/2025 13:37

Her son is only 13 months old - so she only started medication five months ago.

Show quote history

Thank you. I got all the dates muddled.

Kizmet1 · 10/10/2025 14:08

Going slightly against the grain here: it sounds like you've had a good relationship previously and I am sure you will again.
If you've apologised to DD and have explained that you were unwell, then I don't think you necessarily need to make any grand gestures. Your DD is young, and yes she needs understanding, but she also needs to be able to empathise with your situation too. You're her mother and you were having a terrible time and you are still (probably) run off your feet with a new baby. You do deserve some compassion from her.
I totally agree that the birthday dinner was a bit of a clanger, and it would be great if you could perhaps go out again and really focus on her for the evening and try to redress the balance a little overall, but don't give yourself too much of a kicking OP. It sounds like you're doing your best ❤️

Snoken · 10/10/2025 14:08

I agree that you shouldn't have told her that nothing will change, but it also sounds like she was the only one who was subjected to your rage and at a very delicate age. The baby was a new favourite and you were able to care about his wellbeing but she was out in the cold basically. You will need help by a professional to explain your side, but don't put pressure on her to just forget and move on. It was most likely very traumatic for her to see her mum change like that and it went on for such a long time. Her trust in you is broken. As a side note, as PND can be hereditary, it would be good if you DD knew what it is like too as this may well happen to her if she has children in the future.

ThatLadyLady · 10/10/2025 14:16

Your poor DD.

Look at it from her perspective. You met someone (likely spending a lot more time with your new partner), got pregnant, had a child and became incredibly distant from her. You can’t even spend a proper birthday meal with her, you left.

You need to apologise, work on your relationship and start making time for her. I agree with the other poster who said if there’s a will there’s a way. If you genuinely wanted to spend time with her one on one and make things better, you would.

Thatmoves · 10/10/2025 14:17

You scampering from her birthday meal wasn’t just any birthday. It was her 16th!!

CypressGrove · 10/10/2025 14:22

She has her barriers up so she doesn't get hurt again. Maybe over time she'll let you back in but you'll need to re earn her trust.

TheBlueHotel · 10/10/2025 14:27

Leaving her birthday lunch because your baby had teething pain whilst with his father was unforgivably unkind to her and I can see why she's so angry. Do you see, truly see how you've let her down? Presumably you planned to have your DS so you must have thought about how having another child could impact her. I realise you had PND but everything that led up to you having PND was your decision and that's all your DD is likely to see. You need to be so apologetic and find a way for your DP to look after the baby for a good chunk of time to spend with her.

Thatmoves · 10/10/2025 14:30

TheBlueHotel · 10/10/2025 14:27

Not just any birthday

Her 16th

HumphreyCobblers · 10/10/2025 14:42

Goodness the poor OP had clinical depression, I don't think lambasting her about behaviour which she was not in control of and which now she is better she knows was wholly wrong, is appropriate or kind.

You have had some great advice on this thread, I would go all out to keep on trying as hard as you can to put things right OP. Time with just you and your daughter must be priority. Good luck

AnonSugar · 10/10/2025 14:57

This! The comments are shocking.
god forbid you date again and have another child. That’s hardly ruining her life. PND is NOT your fault and she will hopefully understand as she gets older.

Oaktreet · 10/10/2025 16:15

Give it time and continue to make effort in your relationship with her, like making time for her to do nice things together if she's like to do this. I would also talk to her, apologise and tell her that you were unwell, you're now taking medication. I also agree with others that family therapy might be useful.

I can relate with the post partum hormones. After giving birth I get horrendous anxiety and irritability because of the hormones and it just so awful, you really feel like a monster. Teen age is a difficult time anyway so its a complex situation at the moment on both sides.

ThatLadyLady · 10/10/2025 16:49

AnonSugar · 10/10/2025 14:57

This! The comments are shocking.
god forbid you date again and have another child. That’s hardly ruining her life. PND is NOT your fault and she will hopefully understand as she gets older.

PND is not OP’s fault. The fact that her daughter was the only victim of her rage and anxiety, to the point that she wouldn’t even stay for a 16th birthday meal, is well within OP’s control. The fact OP is now finding excuses to not spend time with her daughter and fix things, is within OP’s control.

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