DH is a higher earner but not sure I want to be SAHM

[AwkwardPaws27]

I appreciate this is a very nice problem to have, but trying to figure out what to do after maternity leave. Currently pregnant, plus 3yo DS.

DH earns over threshold, so no childcare funding (not moaning about this at all, we are very lucky to have this issue!). I work part-time term-time at the moment (long story but burnt out of last job/career; I'm a bit of a failure work-wise to be honest).

I can't find any local nurseries still offering termtime only for babies. I was hoping we'd break even on childcare vs income but this + fee rises means childcare for baby will cost us £400 a month more than my current earnings (or if I find a new full-time job, probably more as I'll then need wrap around + holiday care for older DS). We share all income and expenses but the new effect on the shared "pot" is the same.

I'm not sure I will be any good as a SAHM though & worry it will be impossible to get back into work afterwards - but going back to work (in a basic admin job, not a highflying career) seems daft when it will cost us this much? But what if I'm a crap SAHM? I found keeping on top of everything with a baby hard on mat leave last time, let alone a toddler at home 24/7.

You might find 3 days a week etc works better than school hours with a baby both in terms of cost and time with the little one etc. I could not SAH fulltime myself, but I admire those who can and I think either choice is fine, but it needs to work for you.

What career would you like to have? Could you retrain for something you'd find satisfying?
Don't give up on your future when you're still a young woman

If your OH is a high earner, you can afford to do what would make you most happy. There’s no law that you must become a SAHM just because you won’t break even, especially as it sounds like you can afford the hit overall. What do you want to do? Could you wait til the end of your mat leave to decide? Hard to know when baby isn’t even here yet. Plus the nursery costs issue is a very temporary one - in a couple of years they’ll be in school and your job will be a perfect fit.

How much over the threshold is he? Can he salary sacrifice to get back under it.

Term time only nurseries for babies don’t seem to exist - a childminder might do it though…?

I think being a SAHM is quite risky for your future employment prospects, albeit it you will lose money by working… I’d probably stop too.

You should moan about not being able to access childcare funding, it’s the major factor in you having to consider quitting your job.

Don’t become a sahm unless you really, really want that. It’s hard, and it can get very lonely. It can shift the power balance even in the best relationships and it can knock your confidence in the work place.

The salary minus childcare maths is too simplistic. What about your pension? The effect on future earnings? If you’re part time now you could be a shoo-in for a ft position when the dc are older, not starting from scratch trying to scramble back on the ladder.

Call the fees an investment in equality and your sanity. Also nursery will teach your child a bunch of different things from what you will.
If you want a better way to look at it, only take half the nursery fees from your salary (or even less, given you'll earn less than 100k threshold)
You don't have to have the maximum money if you don't need it, having a high income in the family buys you options, it gives you freedom, don't throw that freedom away in favour of a bit more money.

Having a baby and a toddler is hard work so don't beat yourself up about stuff getting "on top of you".

I tried being a sahm with 2 at a similar age but it didn't work for me. For my own mental health I need a job. So I returned to work very part time and now do 4 days a week TT only with 3dc.

A childminder will probably be more able to accommodate term time only if you can fit your working hours into the school day. They'll have older children in wrap around care who need full time places during the holidays.

As pp have said don't underestimate the value of your pension, NI contributions and continuity of employment.

If being a sahm doesn't appeal then don't apply for the job.

Or study for a different career path, anything that gives you structure.

How much over threshold is he? Is it worth making an extra pension contribution?

It's hard. We are just on the cusp and have to be careful DH doesn't go over 100k with bonus etc.

Could you take a year out and go back when baby is 2 or 2 and a half and you might find a term time only option. I am going to have to send DD to nursery at 1 and I'm not thrilled about it but want to hold onto my job. I think there are more benefits from 2/3 plus?

Try local childminders for term time only. I knew one who did a lot of ad hoc childcare like this and was open to it.

The cost is temporary, it won't last forever and you could start trying to save toward it now to at least offset some of the costs.

I was a sahm but I wanted it and loved it. It really isn't for everyone.

You have a job that other people would kill for, part time and term time only. Keep that job. Think long term rather than short term.

I wish I knew! There's lot I like the idea of but they don't work practically. DH works away, usually 1 week per month, so I can't really do anything with night shifts.

I'd love to be a veterinary nurse but the hours are not at all family friendly & the salary is pretty low - plus I already have a degree (biomedicine) so it would be difficult to do the degree route & apprenticeships are like hens teeth.

I was interested in allied HCP roles, radiography, physiotherapy, but again, shifts.

Possibly an MPH (Masters in Public Health) with the idea of working in public health but I'm not sure how healthy job prospects are after the Masters.

I was studying Accountancy (ACA) but I found it so difficult and unbelievably dry - I really wanted to like it as it made so much sense on paper but I honestly hated every minute.

You are entirely NOT a failure, work wise! You’ve had two children and you have worked. And you will again. I do not think you actually want to be a SAHM? And I would advise you, very strongly, to…not. Do not give up all your financial power to anyone, at any time.
And, without being glib, most of us find our jobs at times “difficult and dry” or, to be more pointed, boring as fuck! But, it’s a means to an end. At this point in your life, if I was you? I’d protect my financial future.

Some good suggestions re childminders - I will look into this more. We used a childminder for a while when DS was little but were left in the lurch when childminder herself was ill for a couple of weeks, so I'd leant more towards nursery this time.

My pension contributions are miniscule at the moment so missing out on those for a few years really wouldn't make much difference. I can get NI credits though can't I (by claiming childminders benefit but opting out of actually receiving it?) - unless that's changed?

We're on the outskirts of London so unfortunately have a massive mortgage for a very ordinary house so unfortunately not feeling as comfortable as I would have thought given DH's income, we'd definitely notice £400 less.

His basic is just over £100k but there is a sizeable bonus for the next couple of years due to a "golden handcuffs" type situation - I did suggest putting it straight in pension but then he'd have to do a tax return etc so he wasn't keen. Probably worth another look.

I fully appreciate the comment about most jobs being difficult and dry but I couldn't seem to actually retain the information - possibly compounded by lack of sleep (!) - I've always had pretty good recall & got a first in my degree but I was scraping passes and then finding myself unable to recall what I'd leant at work. I was a really shit trainee accountant, and utterly miserable.

Edit: Child benefit, not childminders benefit!

I'm a sahm and have been very happy doing it, but it's not for everyone. I had a 3.5 year gap and eldest was in a preschool when I had DC2, and DH had a long paternity break of several months, so I was never juggling a newborn and a preschooler on my own to be fair. I don't think I would have enjoyed that!

I'll admit one motivating factor for choosing to be a sahm was to escape my workplace, where I was disillusioned and unhappy. I've seen things get worse from ex-colleagues so I have no regrets there! I've not been lonely as I'm quite self-sufficient and financially it wasn't a huge risk as I have investments going, and my pensions and ISAs are continuing.

I think you have to choose what is right for you now - you are young and many options will still be open to you in the future. With a decent income coming into the household, there are many income streams open to you these days with more flexibility.

Unless you really want to be a SAHM, I’d recommend staying in work. Think of it as a short term investment for longer term gain, staying in the workforce and continuing to progress.

Do you have any tips for enjoying it? Do you have a regular routine of stay & plays / activities? How do you manage evenings/weekends with your DH - I don't want to fall into never having a break.

DS would only nap in a moving pram for me, so I could never get any jobs done during nap time - hopefully this one will be different, I think that might make quite a big difference?

Childcare is split 50/50, you need to realize that. I know the family as a whole is a worse off by £400, which is what you mean, but you really need to put YOU first here. You're the one being pregnant and giving birth twice. Your career hurt. You're the one home more.

I would kill to have your setup. Part time hours are non-existent in my career. It's full time or nothing. I can afford to stay home for a few years but savings etc would take a hit, it would be difficult to go back, and I actually do better if I have a fews days at work. Being a SAHM can be really relentless and not appreciated.

Did you appreciate how clean the coutertops in the kitchen were when you were growing up? Did you appreciate your laundry done and folded? Nope. You didn't. It's a hard slog that no one appreciates truly and you'll feel sidelined and resentful. Stick with work.

My baby napped like a champ but night sleep was shit so I still never got anything done as I was and still am totally and completely exhausted. I think you need to assume this baby will be incredibly hard work too. Most of them are.

Can you look into the cost of nursery if dh did put his bonuses into his pension versus the £400 per month so you have something to compare. Dh might find it very worthwhile to do the tax return if your job then brings in a surplus rather than a deficit. As pp say the term time job will be ideal in just a few years and may be hard to get again if you give it up.

Can you do something freelance? I know someone with a biomedicine degree who works from home freelance designing personalised medicine (iirc creating immunotherapy based on tumour samples), for example.

Im not in the exact same situation because our household income is way lower, less than half you. But we are in that space where we are not entitled to any universal credit for example but then have really high childcare costs vs my very low wage. So weve never been that much better off with me working than if I was a SAHM, so I've had the same decision making in terms of shall I pack it in as it's not financially necessary.

If it was going to COST us for me to go to work, that would be a red line for me and we just couldn't justify or afford that. This would be different if it was short term and I had a proper career but like you I work low paid admin type jobs with very limited prospects. However thankfully I've always been able to just about break even amid the worst of the costs or earn a bit more, so I've managed to stay in work.

A key driver for me is the financial future, knowing how hard it is to find work after a break, and though my jobs have been / are low paid, they're jobs with some home working, they've been in great teams with reasonable managers, not a lot of commuting, and not difficult or stressful at all! So yes I could definitely pack work in for however many years and get a job that pays similar but it would likely be a much harder or less enjoyable job (for me). and in the future me working will benefit us all financially when childcare costs lessen.

The other motivator is frankly I honestly have never wanted to be a SAHM.

The final motivator is that I love and trust DH and he supports the family really financially, but I really feel uncomfortable with the idea of not having any income stream of my own at all.

For what it’s worth, don’t be too hard on yourself worrying about being a ‘crap’ SAHM. You’d find a rhythm that works for you and be wonderful. In your children’s eyes you are already the best anyway, you are irreplaceable. It’s the only role in fact where you are irreplaceable, which makes it so rewarding. Good luck to you whatever you decide 😊

It sounds like you have a real career though. I have a reception job; no one really appreciates me answering the phone or ordering the stationery either really.
If I had a career rather than a job it would a no-brainer to protect it & stay in work, but I'm not sure I can justify investing almost £5k/year in my job.
Actually adding it up like that helps - if I stay home for two years I'd essentially save us £10k - that could be invested in further training for an actual career?