DH is a higher earner but not sure I want to be SAHM

[AwkwardPaws27]

I appreciate this is a very nice problem to have, but trying to figure out what to do after maternity leave. Currently pregnant, plus 3yo DS.

DH earns over threshold, so no childcare funding (not moaning about this at all, we are very lucky to have this issue!). I work part-time term-time at the moment (long story but burnt out of last job/career; I'm a bit of a failure work-wise to be honest).

I can't find any local nurseries still offering termtime only for babies. I was hoping we'd break even on childcare vs income but this + fee rises means childcare for baby will cost us £400 a month more than my current earnings (or if I find a new full-time job, probably more as I'll then need wrap around + holiday care for older DS). We share all income and expenses but the new effect on the shared "pot" is the same.

I'm not sure I will be any good as a SAHM though & worry it will be impossible to get back into work afterwards - but going back to work (in a basic admin job, not a highflying career) seems daft when it will cost us this much? But what if I'm a crap SAHM? I found keeping on top of everything with a baby hard on mat leave last time, let alone a toddler at home 24/7.

Good grief OP you've got a first class degree - the world is your oyster! Don't make it all be about fitting it in around your dp's job. You're entitled to fulfilment in your career too.

I'm nowhere near that level unfortunately.

I unexpectedly became a sahp in February when I was made redundant at 7 weeks pregnant. I had a month of frantically trying to find a job before accepting that the pregnancy was going to go the distance (previous miscarriages) and jobs would have to wait for after baby was born

I never imagined that I would be any good as a SAHP it was something that was never on my radar. My daughter had just started school at 4 which helped. I found a few really good friends with the mums at school. I found the school run a good way to have purpose in the day and I got to speak to adults twice a day every day. One day a week there was the larger group of the parents as it was the non working day for a few of the mum's in part time work so we go for walks or coffees after the school run.

The difference in my daughter has been huge she has gone from hating going to school and complaining about people not talking to her to happily going in and a nice group of friends. We go to the park twice a week after school. I've become a squirrels leader with the scouts and she does that once a week and she forming friendships their with children at neighbouring school.
My baby is now a month old and ideally I'd like to go back to work when he's about 9 months but if it takes longer and he's more like 18-24 months that would be ok the difference in my daughter has been a driver. I never expected her to need more support in school than she had in nursery but there you go.

I would play both sides plan for nursery and figure out how to make it doable finances wise. I get that a £400 deficit is significant and during your maternity leave try to get a taste for a SAHP lifestyle and whether it's something you could manage for a set period of time and look for new work in a year or two.

My advice would be to have things every day where you get to speak to adults. Find adults with similar views of life and parenting! Finally bring variance to your days

My pension contributions are miniscule at the moment so missing out on those for a few years really wouldn't make much difference
This is just wrong! The time value of that contribution will be significant.

Youre seriously considering giving up your career even though you dont want to because your DP cant be bothered to do a tax return??

Its a Defined Benefit scheme, so for each year I am in the scheme on my low (pro rated as part time & term time only) salary I will get about £210/annum extra on retirement (adjusted for inflation, but hardly a significant sum).

Its a bit more complicated than that - we were planning to use the bonus over the next couple of years to build an emergency fund, plan to replace car (we have a v small hatchback) & do some work on the house.

What about something like speech and language therapy? It’s kind of allied and I believe the training is paid- it would be quite good working hours once trained.

SAHM wasn't for me but nor was my career pre dc. I moved into a field i wanted to work
in, very low entry position. The childcare was more than my salary but we could afford. I progressed over the years and earn a decent salary now.

OP - sounds like you have yet to find your niche. So what if it isn’t accountancy - did not getting on with the exams knock your confidence? A first class degree suggests you are very capable. What would your perfect job be - forgetting money and flexible working hours. Allow yourself to think freely in those terms. Realistically your working life might extend 30 years, would be great if it could be spent doing something you love. Sorry, I know this doesn’t answer your question, but it might be helpful to think beyond your current predicament and more long term.

Your 3yo will get 15 hours free despite the high income so would look out for a local preschool place. Definitely check whether you are better off with the bonus and no childcare or the bonus in a pension plus free childcare.

This is very much how I feel - still looking for my niche. I'm somewhat paralysed by feeling like the next thing I try has to be right this time. I don't want to ask DH (or DCs) to make significant sacrifices for me to turn round after a year and admit I've chosen the wrong thing yet again.
I really don't know what the right answer is though. I'm autistic (late diagnosed) which makes it a bit more complicated as I have burnt out of jobs I previously enjoyed before.

DS is in school nursery already (30 hours, we pay the difference to top up from 15 hours as my working hours span the middle of the day).

It's about doing something OTHER than washing dirty knickers, packing lunches, and cleaning the counter tops. Something that gets you out of the house, gets you to interact with other people, gets your kids to understand that mum isn't a domestic slave etc. You probably get more out of work than you think. Part time work is ideal in my view.

Nothing wrong with taking a couple of years with your new baby and preschooler and deciding what would suit you - you could see a careers advisor or a life coach or something.

Yes we did at least one baby/toddler activity every day - swimming, gym, music etc. I always loved taking them - I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but dcs always enjoyed going and I found it fun and interesting.

I didn't really have breaks from dcs until they went to preschool (from age 2.5). We just found it easier for both of us to be around both dcs in the evenings and weekends, and for me I knew I'd have more time for myself when they were older.

I used to prefer buggy naps really as we liked to be out and about rather than being at home all afternoon (baby groups were often a bit of a journey from home) so I often didn't do many chores during the day. I preferred to get stuff done in the evenings once dcs were in bed.

I am sure motherhood is hard when dealing with babies and really young children but it has a reward.practice makes perfect in every area of life, the more you do it the better you will become.

I think you are putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself OP. Life is long (if we’re lucky) and so are careers. By the sounds of it you’re the only that has suffered from wrong career choices in the past - I know your burning out might have felt like you were letting your family down, but honestly I doubt it impacted them as much as you think. If you can make space to think about what you really want from work from a personal fulfilment perspective, it might help direct you to better choices.

Doing a tax return is so incredibly easy. Particularly if it’s just one element you are reporting. I’d definitely look again at whether sacrificing into pension is worth it - you pay 60% marginal rate above £100,000 ( up to a point that I can’t remember) but that plus the childcare benefits is definitely not worth throwing away for a bit of presumed hassle.

What would make you happy though? What would light a passion in you and make you excited to get up every day? It’s not just about money.

Surely, if your Dh is a high earner, you have the money to spend on childcare to make a good quality of life. When I went back to work after my first, we were NOT high earners (we are now). We were probably making a combined £30-40k a year and there was no childcare funding. Nursery cost £1100 FT for 1 dc.

I went back to work PT because it made me happy and I liked the variety. Financially, it didn’t benefit us either way, but it made a difference for my mental health and the sort of parent I was when not at work. 5 years later, when I came back after my next mat leave, I’d doubled my salary. As had Dh and then some.

I would do what you enjoy. School holidays are not hard to cover. Between us, we both take AL/days off (Dh self employed so no AL really). Dh will do a bit of admin while keeping everyone alive if he can’t fully take a day off. We use holiday club a couple days. It’s not hard to do. But having a mix of work and being home was lovely and I didn’t lose my foot in the door or create a gap in my CV. And it set us up very well financially. It doesn’t have to be either or.

What would make you happy though? What would light a passion in you and make you excited to get up every day?

I honestly can't think of anything that makes me feel like this that would relate to work - it would be things like the prospect of a night of uninterrupted sleep or reading a book with zero disturbances or guilt.

Maybe consider why you don’t get those now.

Do you do all the night wakings because DH is at work and you’re not? Why don’t you get to chill with a book for a couple of hours on a weekend without guilt? Then swap over so he gets time out as well.

I think the fact you’ve answered like that shows you’re in survival mode, not even able to think about what YOU would like to do. You’ve got a first class degree, you know you are worthy of more

I did take some time this weekend - travelled an hour each way to meet a friend who moved to another area (we met at a midpoint for lunch & a catchup), so was out for around 5 hours. Weekends often feel so busy - family time, seeing grandparents (we both have separated parents so 4 different households to visit), but we do try & get some downtime each.

I'm knackered though - the second trimester energy has not materialised for me - so on the evenings DH does bedtime I'm often falling asleep on the sofa anyway. I don't seem to have the brain capacity or attention span of pre-motherhood.

I actually did my degree in the evenings, working full-time & going to lectures after work & I feel like I have no idea who the person who managed to focus on (& enjoy!) a microbiology lecture at 9pm was. I'm struggling to stay focused on a podcast episode!

I think it’s very unique to each individual person - I was a SAHM for a little while after second child , I loved it and felt it was much better for my kids but I had a career I could go back into and I think that’s really important - if you know what you would like to do, could you also use this time to retrain or part time study? That way you’ve got a career to come back if being at home isn’t right for you?
edit to say - very important that DH contributes to your pension while you’re not working and that your work at home is equally valued and that when he’s not working it’s 50-50 in terms of parenting/household etc. The cases where I see SAHM not working out is then the parent working doesn’t view them as equals.

The salary minus childcare maths is too simplistic. What about your pension? The effect on future earnings? If you’re part time now you could be a shoo-in for a ft position when the dc are older, not starting from scratch trying to scramble back on the ladder.

This. And if your current field/job doesn’t fulfil you, use the next few years to train for something that does.

At the end of the day, it’s good to bear in mind that half of all marriages end in divorce. Hope for and work towards the best but plan for the worst…

I've been looking at masters degrees but I'm not sure what would be realistic given that a) my brain appears to have ceased functioning at its previous level & b) I'll be trying to study while looking after two children.
Also, I keep asking myself if a masters without internships/relevant work experience would lead anywhere? I've seen online masters but if I did one in a field like microbiology I don't think I'd be able to find a job as I wouldn't have lab experience. I was considering an MPH (masters in public health) but it seems this field might be a bit flooded with graduates.
I know there are amazing people out there who do masters or PhD level study with tiny babies but I don't think I am that smart now unfortunately.