Something I have really struggled with and it really does affect me - Leaving my children!

[Biosblbay]

Please be kind, I am in desperate need of some sort of advice, help or even just some other Mums who may have been in the same boat as me, or even just some encouragement.

Since my first was born, who is now 3 (just turned), I have only ever been away from him for 1 night and that was my wedding night which I was only round the corner from him anyway so wasn’t far away, and since my second was born who is now 12 weeks old, my husband did take my son away for 2 nights which I did struggle with a bit but I managed it, but now I have my second child I feel like I have gone back to square one for not wanting to leave my children at all.

I have a few things coming up that require me to stay away for 1 night, nothing too far away either, but I am in a stage where I would rather do anything out of my will to try and get home that same evening if I can, but at the same time I think the break would be nice and healthy for me and for the kids! I fear the longer I leave it, the worse it will become, but I have really bad anxiety when I am not close to my children, especially now I have a young baby, sometimes can lead to a panic attack because I always over think things. I know this isn’t healthy, is there anything I can do to over come this?
I one day want to be able to have a weekend break at some point without having any anxiety at all! It just eats me up alive, I worry the worst, overthink scenarios etc. I dread things rather than look forward to them.

I can’t comment on how to do it but wanted to say I’m exactly the same and DS is 3 as well. Never been away from him.

Speak to your Dr. This isnt healthy for anyone involved. It makes your partner feel inadequate as a parent, it will rub off onto your children and make them anxious and it isn’t good for you.

OP my family member is like this, never spent a night away from her child until he was about 4 years old. She’s finding it a bit easier the older he gets.

It sounds like it’s limiting though. Have you considered therapy for your anxiety? There are tools you can learn to better handle it.

I just figured there is no medal for being glued to our children and why is it assumed because we have separation issues our children dont want time away doing things with other people like grandparents etc.

I love my parents but growing up I didn't want to be stuck to them 100% I wanted to have fun and adventures with relatives and friends

I assume your husband (or other people who care for you children) are absolutely brilliant caregivers? If not, and you worry about actual realities of them not being cared for properly, that's a different question.

Assuming your husband is great and your fears are therefore irrational, I agree with a pp who suggested the GP. Panic attacks about this are not normal. I miss my children when they are not with me, and I feel relief when I see them again, but I don't feel panicked without cause.

I can understand how you feel, I didn't have a night away from my baby until 10 months, and now at 16 months LO has still never had a night away where NEITHER parent has been there. But I have occasionally been away for three nights since then, my partner has been away for 8 nights, and it's been fine. Eventually our LO will stay overnight with grandparents without us. I think there's a balance to strike between the age of the babies (especially if you are BF your youngest) and getting the occasional night to yourself. I try not to be away too often because I value the time and don't want to wear out my partner, and he does the same, but we are both parents and LO is fine being with just one of us for the night - LO has a lovely time with Daddy for the evening. If your DH is supportive of you taking a night away, I would at least do SOME of the travel.

Start by thinking what would make you feel better about leaving them and I don’t mean you coming home instead of staying away. Are there things you can do like leave written instructions and walk through them with anyone who’s looking after them to see if they have questions? Can you make yourself go out without your kids for increasing amounts of time and see how you manage?

If the panic attacks persist, then I agree you need to seek help from your doctor.

I thinks it's normal not to want to leave your very young children. Some women are fine with it, some aren't. It will be easier for you when they are older.

This. Your youngest is 12 weeks, it's totally normal to feel like this. I'm amazed at the previous responses and people suggesting you need to see a GP!

I didn't leave my oldest until I went into hospital to have youngest, and didn't leave my youngest until I had to go into hospital for an operation when they were 1.

I'm happy to leave them now they're all older, and we have a great relationship, no clinginess etc.

Just give it time, and review in a couple of years.

@WilliamBellits the bit about panic attacks that made me say that. It’s normal to feel anxious when they are so little, you’re the main carer and you’re away from them but a panic attack is much more extreme.

I think some level of anxiety over leaving your children is normal especially depending on what age they are. I don't want to be away from my baby until like 9 months, not even for an afternoon. I feel anxious if my baby's crying and I'm not holding them. Then after 9 months, I'm fine to be away from them for the day or overnight only if they're left with my husband. Then after about 3 I'm fine with them being with other family for a day or night. But to be honest, I wouldn't want to be away from my children for longer than a couple of nights when they're young. I only really feel a bit anxious in the first year, after that it calms down. Mines just a not wanting to be away from them, rather than finding it hard to tolerate being away from them.

When I am away from them for a night or 2 to see friends though I really appreciate the break. Maybe get some counselling to explore your anxieties.

Your children are very young.
As long as you can and do leave for things like the dentist, or a haircut or just short trips as required then I think you are fine.
As they get older it will be easier.
Don’t pressure yourself too soon. It will come.

I disagree that this is necessarily unhealthy I think it's a biological instinct and you don't have to feel bad about it. People have it more strongly or more weakly but it is not abnormal your babies need you to feel that strong desire to never leave them alone for their survival. People may think I'm crazy but I have not left my children overnight at all and they are tweens and teens. I feel no desire to. They have been on the occasional school trip or friends sleepover but I haven't been the one to go away anywhere. I don't know why you need to pressure yourself to do this. Give yourself a break, your anxiety to keep close to them is part of the maternal instinct and there's nothing wrong with that.

I’m not much help I’m afraid as I was the same. I didn’t leave my daughter at all until she was 3.

She’s 18 now and we’ve never been apart for more than a week and then only rarely, when she’s been off on trips with school or hobbies or I’ve been away on work trips. I would never actively choose to be away from her so have no interest in going on holiday without her for example.

So I guess what I’m saying is I think not wanting to be away from your young children is normal and it’s ok. I’m sure lots of people will think it’s weird and most of my friends couldn’t wait to get away from their babies/children and have kid free holidays just with their partner. But that’s just not remotely appealing to me. We have years for that when DD leaves home.

Not being apart when DD was young didn’t affect either of us adversely. We’re still very close and choose to spend a lot of time together. So don’t beat yourself up about it. If this is how you want to patent, you go for it. Don’t feel pushed into parenting the way others do if it’s not comfortable for you.

I was exactly the same, so I just didn’t do it.

Don’t allow yourself to be bullied into doing things you are uncomfortable with just because others think it would be good for you.

It’s your life, make your own choices.

Completely agree

I'm the same

Kids are 8 and 11 and I really do not like being away from them

This is ridiculous.

It’s really not. The OP describes regular panic attacks, being eaten up with anxiety, and dreading enjoyable events. Assuming she has a competent fellow-parent, it’s not normal at all.

Can you write down a list of all the things you fear will happen and then rate how likely they are to happen. Or discuss them with your DP.

Her baby is 12 weeks old. What sort of things do you imagine the 12 week old baby is longing to do with other people? I can't quite picture what shape the fun and adventure might take.

I've never left my DC and have no desire to! DC2 is on the way so I'm aware that might involve an overnight hospital stay so will have to prepare for that but other than that, no desire to spend a night away from them so just wouldn't!

Sorry I disagree. I think it's normal for mothers to want to be with their children. It's called attachment. I'm exactly the same OP. Can't get my head around people who leave their babies to go on holiday etc but each to their own.

I think what you’re feeling is completely normal OP. I never left my DC overnight when they were tiny and only rarely while they were primary school age. They are only little for a short time and your instincts to protect them and be with them are spot on.

If you spend a night away, you'll not have a night off, instead you'll not sleep for worrying. Save it till they're older, and you are all ready.