Something I have really struggled with and it really does affect me - Leaving my children!

[Biosblbay]

Please be kind, I am in desperate need of some sort of advice, help or even just some other Mums who may have been in the same boat as me, or even just some encouragement.

Since my first was born, who is now 3 (just turned), I have only ever been away from him for 1 night and that was my wedding night which I was only round the corner from him anyway so wasn’t far away, and since my second was born who is now 12 weeks old, my husband did take my son away for 2 nights which I did struggle with a bit but I managed it, but now I have my second child I feel like I have gone back to square one for not wanting to leave my children at all.

I have a few things coming up that require me to stay away for 1 night, nothing too far away either, but I am in a stage where I would rather do anything out of my will to try and get home that same evening if I can, but at the same time I think the break would be nice and healthy for me and for the kids! I fear the longer I leave it, the worse it will become, but I have really bad anxiety when I am not close to my children, especially now I have a young baby, sometimes can lead to a panic attack because I always over think things. I know this isn’t healthy, is there anything I can do to over come this?
I one day want to be able to have a weekend break at some point without having any anxiety at all! It just eats me up alive, I worry the worst, overthink scenarios etc. I dread things rather than look forward to them.

Yes it’s normal for mother to want to be with their children but it’s not normal to have such anxiety about being away from them that you never leave them.

You don’t stop being an individual person when you become a parent and you deserve and need time alone or out of the family home to recharge, relax and breathe.

The OP has said herself that she wants the break but her anxiety is stopping her from staying out for the night so yes, this is an issue.

No one is suggesting the OP should go off to walk to Everest Base Camp or work on the Space Station or something, only that if she can’t leave her three year old with his other parent to have a coffee with a friend, or a work event that needs an overnight stay, without a panic attack, that’s not good for her MH.

It is normal not to want to leave them. It is not normal to have panic attacks when leaving them with their own father (if he is safe).

Having panic attacks in response to something you don't want to do, but which is objectively perfectly safe, isn't something OP has to tolerate if she doesn't want to. The GP can signpost her to support if she would like to be able to leave her children on occasion without having a panic attack.

She says she has had nights away from her 3 year old but now she has a 12 week old baby it's back to square one. Well yes it is because the baby is very young, how many mothers go away for the night and leave a 12 week old?

OP your babies - especially the youngest - are tiny so what you are feeling is not beyond the realms of normality at this stage.

I do think it’s important going forward to remember that our children aren’t our personal possessions. They are people
in their own right and I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give them is to ensure they love and are loved in return by as many people as possible. This means letting them go a bit. To their father of course, but also to loving grandparents, aunties uncles and friends.

Leaving them occasionally is not doing them a disservice or being neglectful. It should enrich their little lives and they’ll always be delighted to see you when you get back.

This is very controlling behaviour and very unfair on your husband, who you are implying is not trustworthy if you have to come back and take over 'whatever it takes'. You sound ill - go and see your GP and sort this out before it affects your marriage and your children.

Do you really think that's healthy? I don't think it is, it might feel it is to you but it sounds limiting for her. She's 18, are you sure she feels free to go on holiday with her friends, stay with a boyfriend, leave home? Those are things I'd expect an 18 year old to actively want to do.

There’s nothing limiting about her life. She’s travelled all over the world with her hobby. As I said she goes away as and when she wants to with school and hobbies (and is already planning her post a levels holiday with friends - she’s never wanted to go away with friends before but could have). She’s free to do what she wants. I however, don’t have any interest in taking a holiday without her at this point in my life. Nor does DH. We love her company. We have fun as a family. Shes a very independent, smart, well adjusted girl and loves driving around in her car, seeing friends etc but she also loves spending time with us. If people think it’s weird because we raised a teenager who likes her parents so be it! We’re all happy with our choices.

I was like this. My daughter is my world and my job in life is to keep her safe and care for her. Being apart from her wasn't something I wanted to do. She went to nursery from 8 months old whilst I was at work, but other than han that she was always with me. I spent my first night away from her when she was two as I had a job interview somewhere I needed to stay overnight. Then when she was 5 my parents came to look after her while my husband and I had a night away. From then on she would stay at my parents once or twice a year for a few nights (3 hours drive away) and she has had sleep overs at her friend's and been on school residential trips. Last summer she went on a PGL holiday for 5 nights with a friend. It's natural when they are young to want to keep them close. They grow up soon enough and then you can start to spend nights away from them. Do what feels right for you.

She has a tiny baby. Mothers will indeed be panicked parted from their babies.

I'm astonished at people suggesting op is somehow insane for not wanting to spend a night away from her newborn. I can only assume that these posters didn't breastfeed. Op's baby is only 12w old!

It is completely normal and natural and healthy for a mother to want to be close to her young baby. We are mammals. We invest a huge amount of energy and physical risk in bearing and birthing a single child, and our babies are born helpless compared to other mammals. So human mothers absolutely have a protective instinct and this helps us keep our babies safe.

Fine if you are happy for going for nights away. But don't suggest other mums need to "go to the gp" if they don't want to.

Your children are really young. I think this is normal. I had my first night away from dc1 when they were 2.
dc2 is now 2 and I haven’t been apart for more than a half day.

you couldn’t pay me to go to a luxury hotel away from my kids for a long weekend. I wouldn’t enjoy it.
if my husband had them I would be okay for 1 night but anyone else I wouldn’t love it

@Squishydishy@MumoftwoNC I have only just started to read these comments, luckily I started with yours first being the most recent. Not sure I want to keep reading 🙈 Thank you for your kind words. She is only 12 weeks, she will be 13 weeks this Saturday which is why I think my anxiety leaving the children has creeped up again. I was the same with my first born but has got a lot easier, especially now he can talk a lot more and communicate

Speak to your GP about your mental health you are a perfect recipe for causing anxious children who will end up with severe mental health issues.

Oh no problem!
im baffled by the amount of people who think somethings wrong with you!!
I certainly do not think anything is wrong with me whatsoever, my eldest is now 4 and the older they get the happier I am to be apart (for a short while! No week off on long haul here ta!) because they can talk, are confident and can tell me they are happy to be apart.

all my babies were not happy to be apart from me (ebf) and likewise i needed to be near them or check in with them regularly

Maybe you need to speak to someone about being such a cold fish. Perfect normal to want to be with your 12 week old baby, it's as nature intended.

How much mental health issues in children come from parents not doing anything about sorting their own mental health, life is not all puppies and rainbows mental health causes issues pretending it doesn't helps no one

THIS

I had a literal panic attack leaving my now eldest child - then firstborn. Now I have 2 and they’re late primary school, I love them endlessly and love the time I spend with them but I also work and socialise and am sooo thankful for my ‘village’.

thinking of them as humans we have the honour to spend time with is really useful but not until much later. Don’t let anyone guilt you into not being RIGHT THERE for them if that’s what feels right and ok for you.

But also remembering kids are resilient - more resilient than we think - and they’ll be fine with a babysitter / safe relative or friend - is important.

but when you have a 12wo?! Trust your instincts and if you want to be glued to them and are able to, then do it!