How did you break the cycle?

[Need2DoBetter]

I’m a single mum to my 3 yr old daughter. I had a difficult relationship with both of my parents growing up. They were both shouters and didn’t have a lot of patience as parents. My mum in particular could be quite aggressive.

I’m finding that I am also losing patience quickly with my daughter and shouting at her often when she doesn’t do as she’s told straight away. I really don’t want to repeat the same mistakes my parents made but I’m finding it very difficult.

I’d honestly probably read something like this and think “just stop shouting” and I am expecting comments like this but if anyone has any genuine tips or advice on how to break the cycle I would be so grateful ❤️

I haven't read that book - it came out after DC were well into their teens and i felt confident in my parenting skills, but that sounds like such good advice. Teaching your DC that you are a human who makes mistakes and has a range of emotions and can apologise for those mistakes or when those emotions were misplaced, and loves them deeply - that is such a good way to interact imo.

Apologies if this has already been suggested, but I found this book invaluable: www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read-and-your-children-will-be-glad-that-you-did-book-philippa-perry-9780241250990

Ah! I also thought this was amazing. It’s the only parenting book I recommend to anyone.

I bought these cards the other day to help my daughter through tough times, and unexpectedly found that they helped me too:
trailies.com

A problem I had with DS was that I knew what to do, I knew about breathing, pick your battles etc etc, but in the moment became overwhelmed. That whole thing, 'when you know better, you do better' just filled me with despair. Because sometimes it's just not that easy.

Someone on a parenting support forum recommended brainspotting therapy, and I have been having sessions every 6 weeks or so for the past two years. It has been absolutely amazing, and my tolerance levels are so high, I can stay regulated even under extreme pressure (DS is a PDAer with severe ADHD). It has transformed my relationship with my own childhood, with myself and with my DS - and with my own parents.

Good quality therapy that’s trauma informed.
Build your village to support you both.
Ensure your needs are being met.
Ensure you get all the financial help available to you.
There may come a point where reducing or going no contact is the only solution. If being with them causes more heartache, then it’s time to step away. You deserve better and so does your daughter.

Take it one step at a time. The blessing of humility comes with respect and love. Its good to be calm and rest on good principles. Find your zone and it will lead you down a good path.

I just saw you are very time-limited. I am too, but I have my therapy sessions online, which does help.

A few things I've picked up from Facebook posts:

Look at how tiny their hands up and remind yourself they are only little.

Do something silly in response or sing instructions to help break the tension

Remember you set the mood for the whole house so if you are grumpy/angry its likely that will be met with similar.

Not sure if those thoughts are helpful but I thmey to think about them when I'm getting shouty

Oh really? How does that work?

Thank you all for the replies, I can’t get round to reply to them all but I’m grateful to all of you ❤️

Have ordered these books.

Hi Need2DoBetter it's a zoom session.

I found if mine weren’t listening I would make sure I got down on their level to make sure I had their attention (sometimes needed a gentle touch to the arm) and then if that didn’t work I would start a count to 10 before they would get disciplined (usually time out) The counting would help me to calm as much as give them a warning that I was serious. I also tried to remind myself of what it felt like growing up to be shouted at. Not saying I managed everytime to avoid it, but the slow counting definitely helped me. It’s important though to be consistent and have a consequence at the end of the count down or it doesn’t work.
Distraction can often work too. My youngest loves Cats so for example when getting her ready for school rather than saying hurry up we need to get ready quickly (she cannot be rushed 😬 or she will do the opposite) I will pretend to be a cat and make getting ready into a game. Not suggesting you have to pretend to be an animal 😂 but maybe try making tasks you need them to do into a game that you can interact with together.

My MIL is a shouter (and quite emotionally aggressive). My husband was heading down the same path.
his ADHD diagnosis was the turning point for us as I now understood how his brain worked. It meant I could help him where his executive functioning failed.
reading up on trauma bonds also helped me understand why my husband would fall back into familiar patterns of emotionally damaging behaviours with seemingly no control over changing.

Step 1 - you have done. You’ve acknowledged how you were parented wasn’t in the best interest of a child and you want different for your daughter. You can see that creeping in and want to change - that’s a huge step in itself

I felt similar and I found reading parenting books and articles has really helped me. Watching some experts on line on how to handle those hard moments that may cause raised voices. I acknowledge when I get it wrong, apologise to my DD and reflect on how I went wrong. I ask myself was that really worth raising my voice and negatively impacting her for X, Y, Z. Was X, Y, Z really that important - in 99% of the situations it hasn’t been. I’m not perfect however I’m working on it and I’m much calmer now than I was before

I’ve started to realise that the sorts of moments where I’m triggered into shouting at my child are sometimes situations where I had would have been screamed at frighteningly when I was a child (eg making too much noise; not doing as told). And when I started to really think about those memories, it dissolved some of the tension my child’s behaviour was creating in me. Therapy would be helpful with this too.

Yeah, I could probably do with a re-read. It’s really easy to follow and persuasive.