How did you break the cycle?

[Need2DoBetter]

I’m a single mum to my 3 yr old daughter. I had a difficult relationship with both of my parents growing up. They were both shouters and didn’t have a lot of patience as parents. My mum in particular could be quite aggressive.

I’m finding that I am also losing patience quickly with my daughter and shouting at her often when she doesn’t do as she’s told straight away. I really don’t want to repeat the same mistakes my parents made but I’m finding it very difficult.

I’d honestly probably read something like this and think “just stop shouting” and I am expecting comments like this but if anyone has any genuine tips or advice on how to break the cycle I would be so grateful ❤️

@ghostyslovesheets don’t say wine I’ve just given up drinking lol! (For health reasons) probably why I’m struggling so much 😂

they need you love the most when they deserve it the least

This really hit me ❤️ thank you for your reply.

It hit me - and really did help me change my approach to my 3 - pre-teens!

Good luck - you can do it - support is out there, don’t be afraid to look into parenting classes - it will get better

You are already breaking the cycle because you are asking how to do better!

For me the thing that worked was making sure my own needs were taken care of the best I could, so I could be the most available for the kids. So that meant ditching evening tv & scrolling in favour of an early night and getting up early before them to get organized in the morning.

I had so much more patience when I wasn't so tired and my brain could focus on giving them clear expectations and listening to what they wanted to tell me. Being organized before they were awake meant I had more time to guide them through the morning routine without being distracted trying to get myself ready.

Keep doing what you're doing and you won't repeat what your parents did.

I have been working very, very hard on not being a shouter and I am not quite there but some things that have worked for me are:

1. Make a deliberate plan to go up to the DC and tell them things (i.e. don't try and tell them from another room).
2. If they talk back, especially if we are in a situation where they are likely to talk back (or stall), I have my headphones ready and put them on to stop communication (they are 13 and 11 - might not be appropriate for little ones).
3. In place of no 2, I walk out of the room when they are winding me up.
4. I have finally learned I don't have to have the last word! If DS says black is white, I just look at him (if I am feeling particularly fed up I use a withering look) and say "OK". If he says "I'm not doing that", I just look at him, don't talk about it, and later on "Time to do X" and 9 times out of 10 he will do it.

DS has diagnosed ADHD and DD probably has it. So it's been a challenge.

What I find helpful with books these days is rather than be reading 5 different books at any one time (can you tell I have ADHD as well ) and going through self help books like no tomorrow but just ignoring all the pages that you're meant to fill in, I now have ONE book under the category of "practical things I hope will help me" and basically I have a rule where I treat the book as a sort of mini-course, so I read a bit until I come to a piece of advice, a direction, task, or suggestion, and then I have to stop reading until I have actually tried out that suggestion IRL. Once I've tried it out, which I try to do even if I think it sounds absolutely ridiculous, I am allowed to read on. Because I am a giant nerd this motivates me to try things and it is surprisingly successful.

Use with caution, but another weird tip that sometimes helps me stay on track is to tell ChatGPT (or whatever chat bot of your choice) which book you're reading and put your results of what you've found out from trying out the tip in there, whether it worked or didn't or you tried it but didn't manage it. It's always positive, which encourages you to keep trying, and it sometimes gives helpful hints. Sometimes it's also annoying or redundant or just plain wrong of course, but if you're using it as a thing to sort of reflect your own experiences or ideas back to you, I find that can help me get out of my emotions back to my thinking brain and sort of help me move forward with it.

@MedicineHat thank you, this is good advice and something I’m awful at. I neverr make time for myself.

@drspouse thank you for your reply, it’s so hard when your brain is just wired that way. All the best ❤️

I imagine that’s a really normal feeling about therapy - definitely was for me. My nerves turned out to be anxiety about feeling my feelings that I’d shut away for so long. It does take some work to get okay with feeling your feelings, but it pays so many amazing dividends in all areas of your life. Anger locked away inside you can come out at tangents, like shouting at the kids when you’re overwhelmed. So if you can face (bit by bit, in your own time) digging out the old anger and putting it back where it really belongs (maybe towards your parents for shouting at you? Or whatever it might be), it’s less likely to come out at tangents with your kids.

The ‘PTSD cups’ analogy is helpful - https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/
Not saying you have “PTSD”, but this is how all humans operate on a sliding scale. If your stress cup is full up from past stuff, it’s more likely to overflow when you encounter stressors with the kids in the present.

@Hurumphh that’s very interesting and makes so much sense, I’ve not heard that before.

To be honest though I probably wouldn’t have time to see a therapist. My daughters dad has her on Saturdays but I assume only private therapists would be available on the weekend and I couldn’t afford to go private.

For me, I found it helps to consider things from their point of view. For example, if we were in the car and one of mine was whinging for a snack, I’d say I don’t have one and the whinging would continue. I’d reason we’ll be home in 10mins and I’d get one then but the whinging would continue. This is when I used to get shouty. However, when I had my third and fourth, I was older and wiser and would be able to tell myself that just because I haven’t got a snack and that we’d be home soon, doesn’t mean they’re any less hungry, or that they have any other way to communicate their needs. Sure in time they learn patience but not at 3.

“Calm Parents, Happy Kids” is a brilliant book. I wish I read it earlier.

@BertieBotts we have used the SPACE book (helping children with anxiety) and first we listened to it in the car but then we read the first chapter and put it away for a week while we did the first exercise and then 4 weeks for the second one. So we just didn't allow reading in that time.

@AnotherVice this is so true. I always used to think my mum saw me as an extension of her, without my own thoughts/ feelings and I guess this ties into that. Thank you.

Great book.

So for me it was working out why I cared. Realising I don’t need a 3 year old to validate me, it doesn’t matter if a 3 year old doesn’t show me a certain level of respect. She hasn’t got a clue and I don’t think understands the concept of respect as an adult, I was projecting concepts onto her that just don’t exist for her. And when I did that I was spiralling in my own head about so what it says about me or my parenting to not even be respected by a child or how poorly I must have parented her or what’s going to happen to her or me in the future if I can’t even demand respect now, and she can’t show respect, or to have a child that acts so differently to how I had to act, or an image or belief from childhood that it was ‘wrong’ for child to act this way. Once I stopped that whole thought process, it was just a 3 year old not listening, and wasn’t a comment on me or our relationship at all, and it didn’t feel so emotional

edited to add I don’t manage this successfully absolutely every time still. But this helps

@Prinysoup what you’ve just wrote is exactly what goes on in my head too. I think that her 3 year old behaviour is a reflection of my parenting. And I am BIG on children being respectful, and respecting their elders so I feel like I have to instil that in her NOW. But I guess that will come with time. And I also need to earn that respect not demand it.

I am not sure at 3 they can ‘respect’ you because they don’t see that their behaviour indicates and reflects their long term feelings of respect or disrespect about you, they’re just acting.
I don’t think at 3/4/5 you would’ve been respectful either? Maybe you just did what you were told so you didn’t get shouted at but is that the same? I’m just not convinced it is. I think at this age you’re just instilling manners. But that’s just my opinion maybe you feel differently

I also read something that said we shouldn’t be seeking validation from our children. So she isn’t an extension of you and she doesn’t serve to validate your feelings, or make you feel bad about yourself. So if she is ‘naughty’ you shouldn’t see it as a comment on you (that doesn’t mean you don’t act but it’s not a comment on you, your parenting, your skill level etc) and if she is good equally that isn’t about you.
you should validate yourself, your DP should validate you, but your dc shouldn’t because it isn’t their responsibility to act the way you want so that you feel better. And once you take that responsibility off them I think you feel loads less stress in their actions

again not something I manage all the time.

Another book for you OP - The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry. It's aimed at exactly the situation you're describing - wanting to do things differently from your own parents but finding yourself slipping into the same patterns.

One of my principles is "everyone is polite". Ask before you take things, say please and thank you. My mum seems to think only children need to be polite. While I may tease DD/DH I try to ask them to do things in the same way I'd ask colleagues (and yes I do still shout but I'm definitely getting better).
We have basically decided that my mum is no longer coming to stay after a recent weekend where she didn't ask before taking the kids things and they were shocked. And I was proud of them!
There were other issues too but that was really striking to me.

What you are going through is learnt behaviour from your own parents and which you acknowledge. By the mere fact you have done that means you are on the right road for it not to repeat. Deep breaths - you are doing ok even if you think you aren't x

Hi OP. Same here with my dad. I like the Brat Busters podcast - she’s big on respect and modelling it for our DC. You might like it too… I also read The Chimp Paradox years before having kids which still helps me with this, I find.

My Dad shouted a LOT. I was totally hardened to it, would shout back, and thought it was normal to shout at people til I met dh, the first time I shouted at him he locked himself in the loo - I thought he was bonkers but it just turned out he came from a non shouty (for that read keep it all in, sulk and seethe) family. So I gradually stopped being shouty.

When I had dd, she was about 3 and I lost my rag as she kept taking her clothes off repeatedly when I was trying to get her to nursery, and I was stressed and late for work. The look on her face took me straight back to how it felt.

I cried all the way to work, and at my desk for 2 hrs til I was sent home. I vowed that day I would never do it again, that I would be super mindful, remove myself from the situation, count to 10, make a joke of it , whatever it took. It worked.

I shouted at her once when she nearly walked into the path of an oncoming car when she was about 8 and she stopped in shock and said "You never shout at me" and I felt very happy (both about that and the fact she didn't get run over)

You can do it, you just need to put coping strategies in place. What sort of things trigger it?

It is also super helpful when they are teenagers as I can't imagine a shouting match with a teenager would be good!

Deep breaths, try to stay calm, imagine you have guests who can hear you, pretend you’re a teacher speaking to students, practice some stock phrases, step away from the situation briefly to calm down if possible.
A book called something like “Calm Parents, Happy Kids” is good.
Your decision to reject yelling is half the battle OP. Just do your best, and dont beat yourself up if you slip up. Just keep going. I always apologise afterwards if ive yelled.

From a fellow child of a champion yeller!

@Need2DoBetter - I’m here for this as about to have our first daughter tomorrow and I had a similar relationship with my mum. I’m so worried I’ll react like she did. Some really good suggestions on here. Obviously none from me but offering solidarity…it’s so hard to tamp down the flare of annoyance in normal life, never mind when your kid doesn’t want to listen!