How did you break the cycle?

[Need2DoBetter]

I’m a single mum to my 3 yr old daughter. I had a difficult relationship with both of my parents growing up. They were both shouters and didn’t have a lot of patience as parents. My mum in particular could be quite aggressive.

I’m finding that I am also losing patience quickly with my daughter and shouting at her often when she doesn’t do as she’s told straight away. I really don’t want to repeat the same mistakes my parents made but I’m finding it very difficult.

I’d honestly probably read something like this and think “just stop shouting” and I am expecting comments like this but if anyone has any genuine tips or advice on how to break the cycle I would be so grateful ❤️

Another thumbs up for this one - I read it in early pregnancy and will read it several more times. It’s been brilliant - just waiting to see what happens in the moment and if I can put any of her suggestions into action.

I think it all starts with being very very kind to yourself. Every time you feel upset and angry keep reminding yourself, verbally if necessary, how you are doing a very good job of getting through the day and even when things go wrong commiserate with yourself and praise yourself ie that was hard I feel sad this is frustrating, but I am managing this. Your little one doesn't need you to be strong and powerful, she needs you to look after yourself.
My mum used to shout when she felt like a failure and I think we all picked up on her panic because we were children - we were not going to be able to save her or validate her or make things right for her - how did we have the capacity to solve her problems???. When she was genuinely sad or realistic /playful and happy in herself and her abilities and took into account that we were kids and she was a mum who wanted the best for us but that didn't necessarily mean everything was going to be "perfect" (tidy, punctual, organised, obedient "perfect children) things went much better. No one was judging her on those shouty days except herself tbh but we bore the brunt, and it certainly did not improve our behaviour

Our good behaviour I think stemmed from the "good days" which were when she was happy in herself and compassionate towards herself. Luckily at least 80 percent of the time.

I think this is great advice. When I worked as a Childminder I did very similar - on days when I was really tired or struggling, I would pretend that an imaginary Ofsted inspector was watching me and I had to keep being a 10/10 Childminder, always giving the children my absolute best. It really helped for me.

Well Done on reaching out. Some great advice below.
children learn by copying their parents behaviour which is what you have done, that is all that is happening here. You are a good person, you just need to retrain yourself.
Batch cooking breakfasts for the week, having yours and your daughters outfits/uniform and activities stuff ready in one place with bags and shoes by the door etc will reduce morning stress. Get your DD to help with this the evening before which is also training her well for when she leaves home. Then put up some post it notes where you will see them, with instructions to follow when you feel your emotions arise, eg

1. breath in thru your nose and out thru your mouth.
2. count to 10 before responding
3. mantra/self talk - “I am the adult, she is the child (will move you from automatic internal thoughts like “why is she not doing what she is told/disrespecting me”.
4. Go and speak to *** at her level looking her into her eyes (rather than shouting at her from afar which erodes your authority).

Acknowledge it will take time. If it doesn’t work one day or you forget a step, start again the next day. Then over time, things will change for the better. Good luck!

Thank you all for all your replies and advice and book suggestions. And for being kind. I haven’t shouted since I wrote this post 😂 and keep referring back to it.

@LaughingCat oh wow, good luck and congratulations! All the best ❤️

The fact that you recognise the issue says you are on the right track. No one will get it right 100% of the time. My DH has a habit of shouting and I tend to disassociate when overwhelmed. Both are learned traits from our respective parents. I strongly recommend therapy, it is really helpful, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to break the cycle, that will have the most impact. Other things to help: if you find yourself being triggered and reacting, stop, take a breath, count to 10, or mentally name things you see in the room. It sounds weird, but it actually helps to stop and change focus. Also, talk to your child. Tell them that you're sorry for shouting, and that mums make mistakes too. Showing them that you recognise the behaviour will help frame this for them. Be proud of yourself for realising that there is a way to change this.

That makes so much sense. I suppose the parent equivalent is assuming social services are watching me - not sure I have the stomach for that 🙈

I am so glad posting has helped! As many have said, recognising you want to break the cycle is an invaluable first step :)

I forgot to say, what about bathing at night. Warm baths also relax children and help them sleep. Put on relaxing music, turn off the tv and make evening bath time a pleasant ritual for you and your child. Then in the morning, it is brush teeth and hair and go! You may also have sad feelings at having to parent alone which I’m sure you didn’t plan on so finding support groups online or elsewhere will mean you feel less alone. X

@ColinVsCuthbert thank you so much. I do always apologise to her after shouting but I do shout often and I hate it because I don’t want her to feel like she’s walking on eggshells or doesn’t know which version of me she’s gonna get. Because, although my mum never said sorry, I can still relate to that feeling and it’s horrible.

@Richtea1234 it is hard doing it solo I’ll admit but I don’t want to blame that too much, I am still responsible for my behaviour. But I’m usually so exhausted at the end of the day I go to sleep as soon as she does, I really should make an effort to stay up and have some me time because I do think it would help me relax.

I'd say so lots of reading about development for 3 year old so you know where they're at and can make sure your expectations are realistic for a 3 year old. Some ancient philosopher said that anger comes from unrealistic/unmanaged expectations and it's always stuck with me. If you expect a tantrum its harder to feel angry at it.

Immediate consequences work at this age. "You've got 5 minutes to put your shoes on the rack". I would use a visual timer so she can see easily how much time she has left. If she doesn't do it then immediate consequence e.g. take away the toy she is playing with/her favourite toy for a period of time.

If you know your having a hard day and feeling more stressed than usual sometimes it's better to not give an instruction if you know you're not in a good headspace to manage the boundary being pushed. So maybe if I'm having a bad moment I will just clean up after her myself and try again next time.

Incentives work sometimes "can you play trains with me?", "yes after you've put your shoes on".

And just keep trying to make things fun. E.g. Singing whilst brushing teeth

Try and give them autonomy e.g. you want them to do their hair? Let them choose the hairstyle.

I grew up in a shouty/angry household. I don't shout a lot but loose my patience sometimes which you can hear in my tone of voice and maybe sometimes I'm too harsh with consequences but i like to think I'm at least 80 per cent calm.

You sound like a really thoughtful parent.

Of course you are responsible for your behaviour. But you are human and your underneath feelings about having to parent alone are valid and there whether you like it or not. You deserve support for yourself too 💚

Treat your daughter how you wish you were treated as a child. Be the mum you needed, and wanted.

Oof this is very familiar to me because I too grew up in a very shouty household, along with physical violence. If you can afford it, please go to therapy. In the meantime, everything PPs have said will work overtime. The suggestions might not work immediately but if you are consistent, they will. What also helped me was to imagine myself as that little girl who was always shouted at, and remember how terrified I was. Parenthood is very hard as oftentimes you are reparenting yourself! But you will get there. Good luck xx

Hi lovely,
Ah the single mum path can be really tough at times. Is there any time you get for you? Can you try to so something nice for your self a couple of times a week? Evern if it's just staying up and hour with your favourite hot drink to watch a TV show you like, just showing yourself some TLC will really help give you more patience. For me it's an exercise class. I can only go once a week but I come out feeling so much more settled it helps me manage the craziness of the rest of the week :) be kind to yourself. You're trying and she knows she is loved. You can do this :)

And therapy is available free for all of us through the NHS, you can usually find your local talking therapies service on Google and self refer they will then give you a call, assess you and refer you to the right service. It can take a few months but it's been something I used and found helpful.

I work in early years and find using a big sand timer helpful, you can buy them in 2 minutes, 3 minutes and 5 minutes.
The children often like to watch the sand and show the timer to an adult when its done, may work for you and your DD?

I’m the same ❤️ can I also say, 3 is HARD and it does get easier (just different kinds of difficult)

I’ve set up my social media accounts to follow lots of parenting advice accounts that align with this and it helps drip feed it in different ways.

please read Phillipa Perry ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ very insightful. No techniques but helps build on self awareness

we need to be calm (regulated) ourselves before we can help our child to feel calm. It’s a learning process for everyone. No one knows what they are doing! Your child is so lucky to have a parent willing to break cycles and work hard to learn new ways of parenting.

xx

I tend to think "what if I videoed it for social media" which isn't quite as bad!

OP, I read a book called Positive Parenting by Jane Nelsen. It just became my guide for how to behave. There's a version for pre-schoolers, primary and I think maybe even teens though I never got that one. My shouting stopped overnight. So did their tantrums. And they literally never had teenage tantrums once. It created an atmosphere of gentle affection.

Not saying it was perfect. Occasionally I got it wrong, we hurt each other unintentionally etc But overall, through the years, it made a massive positive impact and was the opposite of my angry-shouty dad and my sad shouty mum.

I would really recommend Phillipa Perry’s book The Book You Wished Your Parents Had Read. She talks a lot about the importance of repair when things go wrong. When I am aware I’ve reacted impatiently I always apologise to my daughter and explain that I was tired or stressed. Try not to feel bad about not automatically having the tools do deal well with these difficult situations every time. But do try and find support and resources that will help.

I read ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ by Philippa Perry and found it really helpful. I also realised it was pointless trying to teach my children by getting frustrated and expecting him to listen. O just needed to quietly stop him doing whatever the annoying thing was and tell him no. Getting annoyed never ever helped, I promise. It just wasted so much energy

Well done OP for recognising your behaviour and wanting to change.

It is a cycle, I remember the day that my Dad worked out that he had been behaving exactly like his Dad towards my brother. He just didn't know what to do next.

My very non-clinical advice is that I would say the priority is learning some self compassion. You shout becasue you don't know how else to manage your anger in any other way. I have started using the Feelings Wheel to work out what I am feeling, and then write down how I would engage with a friend if they said that to me.

I don't do this when just when I am upset I just do it at a certain point of the day (with a cup of tea) and kept repeating it until I have been able to do it without thinking. I also use AI to find out different words that I can use to talk to myself about what happened.

For example I had a terrible day yesterday, I couldn't focus on anything and I so much todo. Rather than saying "I am useless, disorganised etc..." I said I am "emotional dysregulated" (i.e. a neutral term) and that will take time to sort itself out.

No way! Cross post!! It’s such a helpful book isn’t it