Realising something about baby groups

[VividMauveAnt]

I feel like I've been idealising my desire to make 'mum friends'. My LO is 7mo and I've been going for the past few months to baby swimming, music classes, mum & baby gymnastics and just regular baby groups. The ones centred around activities are great, no need to stress about anything else but try to make the baby interested for that 30 minutes 😅. It's the regular baby groups I find a bit awkward to say the least. I've been to a couple so far and on two occasions arrived late and my baby was sleeping. As I entered the room the women were centred on the floor, I said Hi and no one even replied. These were ppl I had met before. I noticed another newcomer and just chatted to her the rest of the time. I did make small talk with some I had met on few previous times but it was me who initiated the conversations. I noticed some mums got totally ignored during the session. One was making so much effort, big smile, trying to say bye as she left and got spitefully ignored. The organiser did nothing but went in and out the room, she looked like if she was trying to keep away tbh.
I was so eager to make mum friends but now I realise why is it so important when it's not? It's unlikely we have anything in common other than having kids the same age. Even a few of the mums go to a few of the activies and it's still not enough for us to see outside of the groups. I also prefer to make friends on an individual basis and I find groups problematic.
It's a chance to get out the house and make my LO see other babies and play. Maybe I'm being childish, but I feel like my effort should measure ppls effort in trying to socialise. I feel like going in (on time), not say hi's or bye's and just play with my LO.
Anyone who did make friends what are your best advice? Or do you just go for the day out and leave it as that?

I didn't always find it easy and also was more comfortable at the activity based groups, where you're occupied, rather than making chitchat (although of course realise now that they're all a nonsense for a bady at that age, and really only a benefit to get mum out of the house).

I was fortunate with one group I went to that there were a handful of other women who turned up alone and we made our own little group. I always found it impossible to even open a conversation with people who were attending with friends.

As for mum friends, you don't need (or want?) loads just one or two to share the trials and tribulations with. If there was one woman keen to connect at your group, that's all you need.

I liked the mum groups because all my friends were childless and at work 9-5 and only wanted to socialise in the evenings so if I didn't go to these, I'd have no one to have a conversation with other than DH, like ever.

I did eventually make 1 or 2 friends but they're not close close friends and now we're back at work, we only chat if we see each other randomly.

So don't put too much pressure. If it's not working, it's fine.

You need something in common other than the baby, even at these groups. And if they were rude, they were probably rude and cliquey pre-baby too, not much you can do about individual personalities.

I think mum friends are vital! You need someone in the same boat who understands how you feel. I never made any friends in baby groups though. Nursery and school are great places to meet other mums in my experience, maybe simply because you have a chance of meeting 5 days a week and it's easier to get to know each other.

You don't need loads of Mum friends but I'd say one or two are vital. Baby groups can be tough but I'd go to the same drop in groups week in and week out and you'll soon see the same faces. It sounds like there were people trying to chat in the one you went to.

I never found the activity type groups much good for making friends as I was either focused on engaging DD or watching her nap 😂 There were people I’d have friendly chit chat with, or arrange for the odd walk or coffee and cake but generally speaking we were very much friends by circumstance and lost touch once I went back to work after mat leave. My two closest mum friends I made at a breastfeeding support group, whilst we have kids in common, both of them I’d be friends with regardless which I think is why it works.

Some groups are friendlier than others. Ditch the unfriendly ones and find groups that are more welcoming.

Baby groups are a great way for your baby to socialise and to get out of the house. If you also find a person or 2 to chat with that's a bonus.

I've had polite, slightly stilted conversations at groups. I've had times where everyone seemed to be with friends apart from me. I've also made lifelong friends that I clicked with. It takes time.

I think it totally depends on the bigger picture of your life & experience. I loved the baby groups & the mum friends I met there because they were the only people who were in exactly the same situation I was, they were free during the day to meet up & spend time together which made my maternity leave so much less lonely, it made all the stages (even the difficult ones) feel that little bit easier knowing you weren’t the only one going through it and now all our babies are toddlers we still see each other and it’s so lovely seeing the kids start to play together etc.

I have a friend who never bothered with baby groups and never felt the need to because her sister is off Mon-Fri & her parents are both retired, so are her PIL, so she always had someone to do things with during the day anyway and I can totally see where in that situation it might not feel needed.

I always think people who behave rudely from the get-go are being very helpful. They've hung a sign around their neck saying "shit friend" so you know not to bother with them.

Carry on going to the groups, chat to those who aren't in the twat clique. Try lots of groups.

One thing to be aware of is that my friend (new to the area) was convinced that three women at one playgroup were really rude and cliquey. Actually they were just very shy, but it came across in a similar way. Make sure you are certain which they are!

I went chatted sometimes not othrt times made seom friends at some didnt mix much at others, but I have a life outside groups, I left dramatics in childhood isn't parenting hard enough without adding immature dramas to it?

Honestly, lots of women feel awkward and uncomfortable in these sorts of groups. Some of them are on their asses with exhaustion. Some will be really struggling with their mental health or an abusive or uncaring partner (or no partner at all and just trying to hold it together). I wouldn’t take people not responding to your cheery greetings as they are excluding you. They may simply be overwhelmed or socially anxious or completely on empty that day.

That said, you won’t make your new best friend in baby groups. I did make some friends from my NCT class and we still keep in touch now (our dc are in secondary school). But that’s a different kettle of fish. You’re much more likely to meet other women you have something in common with at work or a shared interest or hobby or when dc are old enough to be making friends with parents who have similar interests as you.

The baby groups are just for getting out of the house and talking to another person. If it’s good for your mental health, do it. If it’s causing stress though, then I wouldn’t worry about it. There are loads of things you can enjoy doing with your baby.

I've had polite, slightly stilted conversations at groups. I've had times where everyone seemed to be with friends apart from me. I've also made lifelong friends that I clicked with. It takes time.

This sums up my experience. I ditched the 'sit and chat' groups pretty quickly as they were more of a 'sit and feel uncomfortable' group. I got as much conversation from going for a walk and then popping into the supermarket for a few things and felt a lot better about it!

I did enjoy the activity-based groups far more. Numbers tended to be smaller and people were more committed to being there (presumably because we'd all handed over our well-deserved maternity pay). The other groups were a bit more transient and it felt like starting afresh every week. Many, many years later I have good friends that I met whilst we were sitting on a carpet singing tractor songs.

I'm another who just took it as it came. Our first couple of library rhyme times were bad for pre-established groups with no interest in even saying hello to newcomers, and DD1 fell asleep in the sling on the way there and stayed that way for the duration. I left it until she was older and nap time had shifted, thinking I'd just focus on her – but actually the group had changed a bit by then and was much more welcoming.

Lots of people I made pleasant chitchat with over a number of baby groups, but never saw otherwise, and never saw once maternity leave ending. A handful who are a sort of substitute NCT group with a WhatsApp group and occasional casual meet up. And a couple of closer friends with whom I have other things in common, we just happen to have met at a baby group.

The mistake you're making is failing to see that all of these people at all of these groups are individual people. There is no 'mum friends' or 'mum's at groups aren't friendly' etc.

All of these women existed before they had children. Some were outgoing and friendly, some were quieter and slower to warm up, some were rude and unpleasant, some needed new friends and some didn't, some had things in common with you and some didn't. They haven't suddenly all morphed into one big homogeneous group because they've had a baby. You can't expect to bond with a whole group of women now anymore than you would have expected this before having a child.

It's been about 7 years since I last frequented a baby group and I must have been lucky as the organisers were excellent (it was run by a church) and the volunteers were lovely. Also the mums were too at that time. I wanted to make new friends and succeeded but found out to my shock that the so-called friends weren't really that. I invited them to my child's birthday parties but never got an invite back (apart from one who i lost contact with during the pandemic). We moved to another area but i had their numbers and they had mine. It seems that it's alot down to out of sight, out of mind. I look back on those years fondly as they were special for me and DS but sadly no lasting friendships were formed.

I didn’t want mum friends, didn’t do NCT etc so when I went to baby groups I’d say hi if someone said hi and would chat if they did but I never initiated it. I was going through cancer treatment at the time as well so I used baby groups to take my mind off things and get out of the house, not to talk to other parents. When I lost my hair I was even quieter at classes as I just felt so down on myself. I hope I didn’t seem stand-offish but I guess I might have done.

DD is 3 now and I still don’t have any “mum friends” (other than existing friends who happen to be mums but even then there’s only two!) I love the friends I already have and feel I don’t see them enough as it is. Maybe that will change when DD goes to school.

7 of us met at ante-natal classes 40+ years ago, had babies within about 6 weeks, met weekly at each other's houses (and did not expect major cleaning efforts first!) and despite moving away and going back to work, we've kept in touch. The local health visitors held us up as exemplary! Now we mostly WhatsApp, but we do still meet occasionally. Sadly we've also now had our first funeral and our first Alzheimer's sufferer.

I tried a few baby classes but I was there for my baby and to get out of the house. It doesn't seem like a very good place to make friends? I'd say hello and goodbye but nothing beyond that.

I completely failed to make friends at mum and baby groups and I never have difficulty making friends normally. I ended up going to activity based ones because it felt less pressured. The only one I enjoyed was the swimming. I forced myself to go to the library rhyme time one. I found maternity leave a bit lonely as we had just moved to a new area.

I hated the baby classes. I'm neurodivergent and felt like an alien in those spaces. I gave up in the end.

I have a lot of friends, but none with children. And I'm not longer bothered. My best friends still share the woes of motherhood with me and listen to me. I don't feel the need to befriend people I'd otherwise never be interested in just because we both have kids anymore.

Honestly if I'm lucky enough to have another baby, I'm tempted to set up my own, but one for neurodivergent women or people with nerdy interests 😂 Video games and babies or something lol.

I was always told I'd make loads of friends, did them all with my first didn't make any and I did try. No one was unfriendly but other then walking with another mother after a group as going in the direction. No friends outside of children either so haven't went to any with my 2nd and unlikely to bother with my 3rd either.

Some are good-some are bad. I have a group of very good friends that I met nearly 30 years ago at a baby group-there are others from other groups that I don’t even remember. There is no great truth to realise about these groups!

Baby groups can be tough but I'd go to the same drop in groups week in and week out and you'll soon see the same faces.

I went to the same group for 2 years, same faces, same mums who turned up with 2 or 3 friends and didn't really engage with me or little one outside of hellos. This is the problem I find with these groups, people go with already established friends, which obviously is fine, but if you don't you've got no chance of actually getting to know other mums.

Nursery, people were too busy rushing in and out. Only really made good friends with one mum because our kids loved each other, and actually we get along really well. But I can see we're drifting now outside of the setting and the kids are in different schools.

School, we've not long started but again not much chatting and those that do clearly know each other outside of the school. We have the first class party on Saturday which would be a great opportunity to mingle but obviously my child is currently sporting a fever and cold so unlikely we will be able to attend.

I think some people (me) aren't meant for friends.

I really wanted baby classes to work out. The planned classes were more sociable than the unstructured playgroups, I found. But I only went to any for 6 weeks with DC1 then everything was shut for covid, they never reopened in Ireland until long after DC2 was too old for any groups. When DC2 was almost 3 I finally found a nice local playgroup but I never made any proper friends there, just people to exchange small talk with. We’ve moved continents now and the culture is totally different here, everyone is so open to friendships.

I had the same experience..I stopped going to the stay and play where I was mostly ignored by the other mums as I always left feeling worse than I arrived. The activity based ones I made some friends. DS is now 2 and at nursery but I am still friends with 1 of them and we meet regularly with the kids. I don't think you need mum friends, when the kids are old enough to care they will make their own friends at school.

In my experience, there are few things as toxic as “mum groups”… our local NCT is easily the most toxic environment i’ve ever been in. i work for a multinational in the city - no shortage of toxicity but utterly harmless compared to your average mum group.
I tried for a couple of months, and then stopped. If i’m exposed to toxicity i want to at least be paid well for it….